#8 - starting over

Started by sanmagic7, July 02, 2020, 05:12:07 PM

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Tee

 :hug: San I hope that the new once the anxiety of them is done. Will be good.  Sometimes new came be good. Starting a new phase of life being able to let go of some of the old junk? Who knows maybe a move will put you in a better place.  We will be here for you always.  I hope you find a perfect place.  Sending a big hug of encouragement and courage for the up coming days of the unknown. :hug:

sanmagic7

hey, tee, thank you for your caring.  always appreciated.   :hug:

my dear marta, thanks so much for being with me thru this.   :hug:

talked to my t this morning.  i told her i really appreciated having sessions 2x/week (i know it's 'normal' to have sessions 1x/week) - it's been for more than a year now - but that i feel like i've been in crisis this entire time.  she validated that feeling when i asked if i was being over dramatic about all that's happened in the past 14 mos. she told me i was not, and that she thinks 2x/week has been helpful.and she's glad to be able to do this with me.  that was so very reassuring.

we're going to work on stress.  i told her i think my brain/body is so full of stress that anything, whether it be pos. or neg., now has negative and harmful effects on me.  told her i've noticed in the past few weeks that my finger joints are beginning to broadcast pain every so often.  possible arthritis starting?  i use my fingers a lot, especially on the keyboard cuz i'm editor and proofreader for my d's books, and writing my own as well.  i can't afford to have my fingers cripple up on me!

i know that the brain/body produces an inflammatory response to stress, and that's been a factor for me for nearly 40 years.  i already take advil nightly to help keep inflammation pain manageable so these extra pain notices trouble me.  one more thing to be stressed about!  the overwhelm i feel hasn't gone away.  i'm also going to work on getting it into my mind that my own value is equal to the value of others, which can be difficult at times cuz i want to give my d everything i can.  but, i told her on our walk today that i may be letting her know more often if i'm in the middle of something and asking her to wait till i'm done.  a small step, but it feels like a giant leap.

i've wanted to be there for others on the forum, too, but right now, i just can't.  know i'm sending love and hugs every day. 

mojay

Hi Sanmagic, thank you for sharing with us. I really like what you said, "i'm also going to work on getting it into my mind that my own value is equal to the value of others." I want to start telling myself this, I really like that it is an easy-to-remember phrase that holds so much power.

I can tell from your writing that you are putting in a lot of hard work and making great progress in ways that are important to you  :cheer:

Not Alone

San,

I hear the stress about the possibility of moving. Sometimes it helps me to be telling myself of what the truth is now. For example, "At this point, my daughter and I have a place to live and we are not being asked to leave."

I also am seeing my therapist twice a week. When I start questioning myself about it, I tell myself that it is what I need now, and when I'm okay to go down to once a week, I will know that.

When I read what I wrote, it seemed like simple answers. I don't mean it that way. When I have a big worry, I talk to myself over and over and sometimes that is not enough to keep the fear from being too big.

marta1234

You're always welcome here San, and there's no pressure for reading other's posts, you do what's best for you  :hug:
I'm sorry you're going through this San, and I completely relate to the whole stress that is just too much (understatement). Sending you my love and care, and full of warm hugs for your week  :hug:  :hug:

Sceal

Happy to read that you have a therapist that can validate your feelings and who believe that helping you out with two sessions a week is currently essential for you. I am glad that it is helping, and that she is able to offer that.

I once did a DBT program, where I had group session once a week and single therapy session with Lady T. It was so exhausting, so hard, but I think it was good. I didn't quite get as healed from it as we hoped at the start, but I did get better because of it, well.. in retrospect. There were times when I got a lot worse. That was 18 months. So I too believe that there are extended times in our lives where we do require extra therapy. Extra time. And it sounds like you are in such a place right now.

Don't worry about being there for others. Focus on yourself. You've got a heart of all that's good, and right now, those parts of you need to take care of yourself. One day again soon, you might feel ready to be there for others. But I hope you wait until you are actually ready and not out of shame or guilt.

Sending you warm thoughts and know you can always join me on the porch for a cup of something hot and delicious.

Tee

 :hug: I'm glad your getting help San it's horrible when your brain and body gang up on you at the same time. :no:  Big hugs hope it helps :hug:

sanmagic7

mojay, notalone, marta, sceal, tee - i can't say enough how much your caring, support, and hugs continue to help me get through all this.  thank you so.  love and hugs to you all.  :grouphug:

i wish i could say more, but right now, i'm still in the midst of feeling crisis within and without.  i don't have a lot of practice feeling afraid, but right now i'm living in fear. what happened in my country last week, the threats that are ongoing, and the impeachment process that is going on as i write this has left me fearful for the safety of so many people.  i've got tears in my eyes at the hate i've seen and how it has been perpetrated, as well as how it wants to move forward.  i'm living in fear, and feel powerless, something also new to me.  it's swirling through my mind and being like a cyclone of terror.

i have to stay strong for my d, and that's taking a toll as well.  this has been traumatizing for me on top of all the other traumas i'm processing w/ my t.  yesterday, i continued working on the stress and tension my body has held for me, something it did in order to help me to survive till today.  today i decided to write, hoping to alleviate some of the stress and tension that is now tying up my muscles, causing physical pain in my chest cuz it's so tight. 

i worked hard on getting to the bottom of my stress response yesterday, and had to stop because my body started giving way.  my legs had begun wobbling. this is no EF, but a response to the ongoing trauma and stress produced by what's going on around me and inside me. the idea of feeling relaxed in a foreign concept to me.  i have so little practice at being scared, feeling powerless and helpless, that even those feelings are stressful.  the idea of living without feeling hyper-vigilant, hyper-aware is unknown.  even as a child, i would wake up with fists clenched. my body has lived in anxiety, fear, tension, and stress since before i knew consciously what those things meant.

toward the end of my session, my t told me to start talking to the parts of my body where my tension has shown itself consistently, especially the physical raising of my shoulders nearly to my ears.  i was mocked for walking hunched over when i was a kid, but i think it was a protective posture already - not from physical attack, but verbal, mental, and emotional. the ongoing results of such abuse are still with me 60 yrs. later.  when she told me to talk to my body, my first thought was 'it's ok, you're ok'. what came out of her mouth was 'say something like "you're safer".

the idea of feeling safer took me by complete surprise.  altho i know i am, i've had no conscious feeling of being that way.  it was a new and daunting concept.  to live relaxed, free from the threat of neg. thoughts, feelings, and words toward me, is unknown. it's stressing me out just to contemplate it.  i'm so scared right now, and i absolutely hate it.

sanmagic7

downward slide again today.  we have people coming to look at the house in about an hour, and we've found more things wrong with it, things that, even if we could afford to buy it, we wouldn't be able to afford to fix.  the only way we can stay here is if we're allowed to keep renting.  this morning it hit me hard, and sadness overcame both my d and i.  we know and we've acknowledged it consciously.  a very sad day for us, indeed.

it's also nerve-wracking letting people walk thru our house.  we told the realtor to make sure they all wear masks cuz i'm over 70 and immuno-compromised, and if they don't wear gloves, she must sanitize everything they touch before they leave.  apparently that's what will happen, but still.  i'm also going to open as many windows as possible for ventilation.  i can't take a chance with this stuff.  it'll kill me, and i'm not ready to leave my d yet - not until she can make it on her own.

so, just pile one more stack of unwelcome emotions onto what's already gathered.  i'm feeling very tired from all this.  we can't seem to be able to catch a breath.  one thing seems to settle a bit when another pops up and slaps us in the face.  how long is someone expected to function when they continually get smacked upside the head?  i know my body is collecting emotions by the ton - i sat in the backyard, looking at the forest, and the tears were there behind my eyes, but they wouldn't fall, wouldn't even show their faces properly.  it's like my entire system is holding everything back as best as possible, afraid the dam will burst and i'll find myself on the floor unable to get up.  ugh!

mojay

SanMagic, that is very sad about the house,  it sounds like a really difficult situation to be in :c I am glad the realtor was on-board with safety precautions such as masks and sanitizing. You are very wise to open the windows!

I am also anxious for the USA's future. It feels strange to live through so many historic events. You are not alone in your feelings of anxiety, fright and despair. Please know there are many of us standing with you and standing against the hate. I don't know if it will help you to feel less powerless, but it has helped me to make calls to the capitol switchboard (202-224-3121). I have left messages of encouragement to senators willing to stand against hate and to implore less-willing senators to stand against hate.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 13, 2021, 06:55:57 PM
toward the end of my session, my t told me to start talking to the parts of my body where my tension has shown itself consistently, especially the physical raising of my shoulders nearly to my ears. ... when she told me to talk to my body, my first thought was 'it's ok, you're ok'. what came out of her mouth was 'say something like "you're safer".
I really like this idea, I think I will try to do this. My shoulders always end up at my ears, too!!

I just wanted to drop a note that I empathize with your struggles, I hope you are able to find some relief from the tensions and emotions.

Hope67

Hi Sanmagic,

I know you're feeling extremely tired after all the things that are in your life currently - you mentioned collecting emotions by the ton.  I wish I could organise some kind of big truck to arrive with a door where you could chuck those emotions you don't want to deal with in, and spirit you away to a lovely place that would provide you with care and love and make your heart feel lighter.  Remember that we'll be here in spirit to catch you if you do fall over, and that you are cared about.  Sending you a hug of love and support  :hug:

Here's one of those big ones, that are extra safe and comfy:  :bighug:

Hope  :)

sanmagic7

thank you, mojay, for your care and concern.  a tip of my hat to you for making those supportive phone calls to the capitol  i'm afraid it's going to be a bumpy ride for the next few days.  we'll hang tough together in wishing for love and peace. :hug:

my dear hope - the image you painted went straight to my heart.  thank you for that, and for the warm, embracing hug.  back atcha!   :bighug:

did some work today w/ my t on the idea of safer and feeling afraid of thinking/believing/living with that.  quite the oxymoron.  but, i did a set of eye movements holding those 2 images together and it was quite productive.  i'd said i was afraid that without such hyper-vigilence i would crumble, because it's what's held me up for most of my life.  what happened was that the 'safer' message turned into steel rods that inserted themselves into my legs, sliding in behind my knees, to provide the support i was worried wouldn't be there anymore, and the fear went outside me, like they traded places.  it felt good, strong, but it was all i could do for today.

still, i know it's huge, and i'm waiting to see if those rods hold up and remain in place.  time is what i need for that.  i also touched on the threesome of my ex, my D1, and my first therapist, how i was triple-teamed by those narcs for 8 yrs.  it was too big, tho, so we contained them, put them in a box in a corner, and will begin teasing them apart next week.  lots of work, lots of stress - no wonder i was so tired today!

one foot in front of the other . . . .

Blueberry

Wowser bowser, san, that's a huge amount of work you did with your T.  :cheer:

The image with the steel rods is so strong! My experience with imagination / imagery work is that the images represent or reflect something in me. So something in you has that strength. You just needed to send the fear somewhere else and you did! I know it still takes time to integrate the work so those rods stay in place, but you've done it once now, so it's a good, huge step!

Hope you  get lots of rest today  :zzz: :zzz: :zzz:  :hug: :hug:

sanmagic7

thanks, blueberry, for such wonderful validation of the work i've been doing.  i was quite tired the entire day of my session, and yesterday, all i could do was cuddle up the entire day.  no energy whatsoever.  feeling better today, tho. :hug:

we've got people coming to the house for a showing today.  someone was supposed to come thurs., but didn't show.  i guess this is going to be a regular thing from here on out, and we'll have to put up with it, but honestly, the thought of strangers roaming thru our home during this time when the virus is mutating and is more easily transmissable, scares the crapola out of me. we've said they have to wear masks and gloves, or sanitize anything that's been touched before they leave, but just the idea that strangers will be traipsing through our place, into all our rooms is extremely anxiety-producing.   :aaauuugh:

i felt more comfortable yesterday just taking the day for myself, even tho my d wanted to walk with me, or interact with me.  i just didn't do any of those things, but stayed cuddled up in my chair in the living room.  for some reason, and i was thinking about this the other night, my chair feels safer, somehow, more like i'm being swaddled and cuddled than when i'm in my bed.  it's a rocker-recliner, and i've got pillows and shawls on it that really kind of surround and support me 'just so', which keeps me feeling quite taken care of.  maybe when i'm not doing well, i'm returning to a more child=like state, so all the cushy feeling of that chair surrounding me is like getting cuddled, which i don't remember having had that as a child.  my bed is more like where my adult self can sleep.  hmmm . . .




marta1234

San, I'm so sorry this whole house showing is very nerve wracking and stressful, sending you my support and care for that  :hug:
I'm happy that you're able to feel the warmth for your younger self in your chair, brought a smile to my face  :hug: Sending you a big hug too , you've had so much going on :bighug: