Hello, I'm glad to find this place *Trigger Warning SA*

[fireworkgirl]

Hi,

I'm not gonna give my real name, and I can't think of an alias so we'll have to go with Fireworkgirl. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible and I'm really sorry if my story triggers anyone.

I'm 26. Female. I live in England, and I've only very recently started to accept that I have cPSTD.

Father died last year, he was mentally ill (he would tell us different things through his parents so we never had closure on why he did the things he did). My father was emotionally abusive, and someone I would see as a threat. There are some other things that I need to work with a professional on, but I think the abuse went further than emotional. My brother molested me when I was 8, he was 11. My memory is patchy, as you can all probably relate to, so I can't say for sure how many times it happened.

My father turned all of our lives upside down when I was 15, and my parents separated. Mother was always distant and emotionally unavailable due to losing her parents from suicide when she was 9. At 18 I was kicked out of the family home and became homeless, living in different temporary accommodations and a hostel (hostels for troubled young people are not a good place to be).

I had a couple of abusive relationships. Since my Father died I've never felt like this. I've had three attempts since his death, and a break up due to my inability to leave my home, eat, clean and be a girlfriend.

I'm due to be assigned a care coordinator to help me find the right support for my trauma and struggles with relationships. So that's a really positive thing, but I'm still here, sat on my bed with mouldy food around me, unable to tell the landlord the boiler has died so I've had no hot water for a month. At least I'm utilising the cold shower method ha.

I just don't want to feel so alone and alien, you know? 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS fireworkgirl    So glad you found your way here and I hope you won't feel quite as alien & alone once you poke around and post here, we are a supportive 'trauma tribe' with common symptoms and issues.

Also glad to hear you will have a care coordinator and that it results in you having access to therapy and other services to help you. In the meantime you have us to talk with now

[Three Roses]

I felt like an alien until I found this forum. I had never in all my years (I'm in my 60s) found a group of people who were the same as me, who understood me the way the members of this forum do.

My dad was also mentally ill. I believe he had a traumatic brain injury as a result of something in WW2, although I don't know for sure. He had all the signs - emotional instability, difficulty with people, fits of rage. My mom was depressed and had been physically abused in her first marriage, with one live birth and 2 miscarriages before I was born. My older sibling had difficulties as a result of some ill-advised pre-natal care, and a subsequent difficult birth. I came along in last place and 💩 rolls downhill as they say so I got the brunt of everyone's frustration. Physical, emotional, sexual.

Here's a link to some printable stuff to educate yourself, and hopefully guide your health care team. https://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads

So welcome, and I'm so glad you found this forum. It's been a lifesaver for so many.

[Not Alone]

Welcome.  Glad you found this website. I have found the people on this forum to be caring and wise.

[owl25]

Welcome fireworkgirl, I hope this place is helpful to you 

[Bermuda]

Hey there, welcome to the forum. I can relate to the tiny daily struggles. I hope you find this forum helpful.

[sigiriuk]

Hi there
Welcome, and I hope you will find as much comfort and hope as i did when i first came here.
I am pleased that you have a care coordinator, and try to ring him/her each week to check in.
The world doesnt seem so lonely with this forum.
Slim