Greetings

[nobodys_ghost]

Greetings from the Oklahoma prairie.

I have studied Pete Walker's book on CPTSD, and I am a close match for one of the 4F types (freeze). I had an alcoholic father, codependent mother, and narcissistic grandmother. It was the neglect (abandonment) that did me and my younger sister the most damage, although other abuses also happened.

Then I had an alcoholic first boyfriend. I left him and later married a man who was actually NOT an alcoholic but was so damaged he had lost his capacity to feel or express any emotion except (rarely) rage. He went through daily life more like a robot than a man.

We have made our marriage work, somehow. We had no idea where all our difficulties came from, but it seemed each of us was strong where the other was weak. We are still together and have produced two (now teen) daughters who are not troubled by mood issues. We are not perfect parents by any means, but I think we avoided passing on the worst of our collective legacy to them.

A few months ago, trying to make sense of an upsetting friendship that had ended, my husband found and read Pete Walker's book on CPTSD and was floored by it. He saw himself (and me) "described on every page," and found that the unhappy friendship that had scarred him in recent adulthood was really predestined by the experiences of his childhood. He had me read the book too, and we have learned so much and begun work on ourselves with promising results so far.

My way of coping in childhood was to do my best not to exist. In high school, please don't see me, hear me, think of me, or speak to me, and I might get through the day untriggered. But probably not. Any interaction, even a benign one, was likely to cause me a public panic attack. My strategy was to become a ghost, hence my screen name.

My husband had great difficulty going back to university to become a teacher. I really don't know how he did it. He was always full of self hatred. I would estimate he has spent at least 80% of his waking life in some type of emotional flashback(s), for as long as I have known him. It's probably a lot more. (Like all of it.)

The term "emotional flashback" sounds like a finite event. But the reality is, many of us are seldom if ever NOT in the midst of several ongoing, concurrent flashbacks. And we can't explain, even to ourselves, where it's coming from!

There are topics I hope to explore, and I am interested to read how others with our limitations get through the challenges of life and make sense of it all. Community is so much better than isolation!

[marta1234]

Welcome!  It's very nice to hear that you have found your way to our community, and that community is better than isolation.
Sending you lots of support for sharing your story and being here

[OceanStar]

Hello and welcome.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to the OOTS 'trauma tribe' nobodys_ghost    You're so right about how having a community helps. Relational trauma is often isolating because we tend to blame ourselves for what happened to us plus we don't want to be hurt again as you touched on. 

Here though we encourage each other to hand back responsibility to those who abused us and that's quite liberating    In turn that allows us to look at what led up to our symptoms of CPTSD, to remember and deal with the trauma finally. FWIW many of us find we have to take it slowly, a bit at a time as it can be overwhelming -  slow but sure recovery.   

[sigiriuk]

Welcome

[Three Roses]

Welcome, glad you've found this forum! You now have a tribe. 😁

For me, "getting through" this life with my companion of cptsd/relational trauma disorder meant first of all educating myself in what it is and, equally important, what it isn't. I credit two books for giving me the most vital info, the first is "The Body Keeps The Score", the second was Pete Walker's book "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving".

The second most important thing for me was learning how to place myself, how to listen to myself and honor my limitations - that one day I may be doing great, and the next day be flat on my face from an EF.

Currently I'm getting the most practical help I've ever had from "Internal Family Systems Therapy", a book by its creator, Richard Schwartz. Hands down the best, most practical, longest lasting help in how to help myself get through this - I'm planning on finding a therapist trained in it as soon as possible.

So welcome, and thanks for joining!

[Not Alone]

Community is so much better than isolation!

So true. You are warmly welcomed to our community. 

[owl25]

Welcome nobodys_ghost, glad your husband found Pete Walker's book. It's quite the experience to find everything described fits. Knowing what's going on is half the battle. I find the resources here are really helpful, so hopefully it will be the same for you. Welcome