To be able to work with C-ptsd...

[Convalescent]

... how do you do it? I haven't been here in a couple of years, so I haven't been reading a lot of posts, but from the ones I've read it seems that most of you are working. How do you manage? How do you have the energy and focus? I've been disabled... not a situation I'm happy with, but it's a necessity. I can do the occassional odd job here and there, but anything permanent is out of the question. I've tried, both work and school. How anyone with this debilitating condition can work is beyond me... how do you manage?

[rainydiary]

I wonder this too.  I only just found out that I have CPTSD this summer and it has been both a good and difficult thing.  I have bounced around jobs (within the same field) every one to two years because I always get the point where the conflicts with others and the feelings I have about myself become too much.  I did just figure out the ways that my job constantly triggers my EFs and I don't see a way of avoiding the triggers because they are caused by interactions with other people.  My current job has a lot of built in breaks and the work day suits my energy needs.  I think that without the breaks I would struggle.  I work with kids which has been meaningful for me and I think that without them I couldn't show up every day.  Knowing now that I have CPTSD I wonder what my work experience will be like.  It doesn't change how difficult I find working with others and now adds this layer of knowing what I have to manage that makes me worry I will be overwhelmed when I start again in a month. 

[Three Roses]

When I was still working age (I'm retired now), I'd take jobs but only stay a maximum of two years or so. I'd just get these overwhelming feelings of tension building and would be unable to tolerate that particular job anymore. Plus my partner didn't like me working and he'd start pressuring me to quit.

I do not know how people go to work every day and tolerate the triggers. 

[Convalescent]

I don't think I've ever had a job more than maximum half a year. Mostly just a couple of months or something. I can have small jobs that lasts hours or a few days, but working regularly just doesn't work for me... It's something that I struggle with. One of those "everybody is working, I'm a failure for not being able to do a task that just about every person does". Well, that's C-Ptsd for ya...

[Not Alone]

One of those "everybody is working, I'm a failure for not being able to do a task that just about every person does".

It might seem like everybody (with cptsd)  is working, but that just isn't true. I went through many months where I couldn't work, in fact, I was not even that functional at home. Currently I am working part-time. I am under-employed. I've been offered other jobs, which if I was doing well would be great, but realize with where I am right now I need minimal hours and minimal stress. Still, there are many mornings when I'm getting ready for work and feel like I don't know how I'm going to get dressed, let alone go to work and put on a smile.

Where you are at right now and what is works for you is okay. As much as you are able, try to substitute: "Everyone else is working, I should be able to work too" with "Right now working is too difficult for me. That is where I'm at right now. That is okay. Cptsd is really hard."

[saylor]

Working was always hard for me, but somehow I managed it for 34 years—mostly full-time, but sometimes (in the early days when I was still in school) juggling multiple part-time gigs. I always had tremendous difficulty focusing and "staying present". And then, as the years wore on, my youthful vigor and sense of need to "survive at all costs" diminished, as my pile of triggers grew higher and higher. It was so hard to continue to tolerate 40+ hours/week of forced interactions with other humans largely not of my choosing (coworkers, contractors, collaborators, the general public that I served...). I could sense that my functionality was deteriorating under the weight of my CPTSD symptoms and was also starting to get autoimmune problems, which are at times debilitating, and I feared them worsening if I kept trying to go at the rate that I was.

Even though I'd previously been ambitious (driven by fear of poverty, not by any kind of passion whatsoever), I reached a point where I was unable to bring myself to do any more than the absolute bare minimum to hold on to my job. Some of my coworkers were starting to notice my lack of drive and made occasional jarring comments that just added to my already crushing sense of shame. I felt so bad about myself. Eventually I found myself thinking, "Well, why am I killing myself just to keep my head above water in the workforce, when my life doesn't even have any meaning?" I gave up because I couldn't hack it anymore. Looking back, I have no idea how I managed to hold on for as long as I did. I know that I'd not be able to pull it off now. It's like I've run out of fuel.

My hat is off to my brothers and sisters with CPTSD who manage to keep going, day in/day out. It's really tough. Although I still beat myself up at times, deep down, I don't think that anyone in our situation who is having trouble working should feel bad about it. The odds are stacked against us, and I suspect we're all doing the best that we can, no matter what that may be.

[Blueberry]

I work off and on. Some weeks more than others. I am able to freelance, which is a life-saver, but even that it is very difficult for me for a multitude of reasons. Add boss, co-workers etc, I think it would be impossible. If you look at the number of posts of mine over in the Employment section, you'll see I have tons of problems with it.

For me on good days (today isn't one of them) working is better for me than not. I think without my work, I might just go back to bed and stay there forever. Though there are times when I can feel that I'm contributing to the planet in other ways e.g. providing homes and food for insects in my garden. Today my ICr. with the voice of my elder brother is telling me that's useless and ridiculous and stupid. So kudos to all with cptsd who manage to find meaning in their own life in whatever way with whatever they do. Living with cptsd is not easy, putting it mildly.

[saylor]

providing homes and food for insects in my garden

I think that's lovely

[Blueberry]

Thank you   

[Stepone]

I struggle so much with work too   I'm 40 now and have struggled all my working life so far. I've tried different companies/industries/countries. I get so triggered by the interpersonal issues and I've had so many toxic workplaces. I've jumped around so much, sometimes lasting a couple of months, at most lasting 2 years. I always get to the point where it's intolerable and I'm desperate to escape again. I've worked in so many difficult places, where there's so much nastiness, backstabbing, awful bosses. Truly, my work experience has traumatised me so much more over the years! I live very far from my home country, and have been on the run really all of my adult life. I've been on disability the past couple of years (C-PTSD related), and just trying to get my depression/C-PTSD symptoms under control to be somewhat functional in my daily life. I really don't see how I'll work again or go back to work, at the moment I'm dependent on disability. It sucks, it's really hard, but at least it gives a small safety net and I can keep my head above water for now. Sending hugs to everyone else who struggles with this too, you're definitely not alone! 

[Snookiebookie2]

I echo what everyone else has said.  I find work is my single biggest challenge with my CPTSD.   I relate to the comments about a building tension and the rising feeling of needing to get out.   I realised many years ago though,  that whilst I could change my job, I would be the same. That I'd have the same feelings and reactions.   So I try to focus on the fact it is my CPTSD that is the problem.

I also related to the comments about not being "present" which I feel is due to being permanently triggered.   This causes me to make mistakes and perform badly. This makes me more triggeried...and the cycle spirals.

I worked part time jobs from 13 till 18 when I got my first full time job in an open plan office of 80. A bit of a shock to the system.  I went to part tme hours at 32, 16 years ago following the birth of my daughter.  You'd think working only 4 hours a day would be okay - but I find it very intense and difficult

[saylor]

open plan office of 80

I've always thought this setup sounded nightmarish... as if the sea-of-cubicles concept wasn't bad enough. It's hard for me to tune out my environment—don't know how ppl manage it

[Phoebes]

I can echo what many of you had said. I am a teacher, and in my first year of teaching it was completely intolerable. I went back to school to do what I really wanted, and then made the horrible decision to go back to teaching once I was feeling like I wasn't making it financially waiting tables full time and going to school part time. I decided to like teaching, and I got into a school I did really like for 3 years, which turned out to be my longest stint with teaching in the classroom. I always felt shame as to why all these other teachers didn't seemed to be as stressed and drained or frustrated as I was. I had no idea about any of this and just thought it was me being a whiner and not good enough. I always had a growing sense I must get away. One year I decided to do toher things and wound up taking out a lot of my retirement, so now, approaching retirement age, I'm s****ed.

Now, I work online. It suits me. I still wish I had pursued what I wanted from the beginning, but at least I can work from home with my thoughts and difficulties without it involving others as much. I have had many years where I felt like I had to quit, it was too much, too intolerable, too much conflict and difficult people around. So much stress and anxiety. Online and from home. I feel truly happy and relaxed in the one month off we have each summer, so I know it's not my happy place, but I feel extremely lucky to be in my job situation now. Now that I understand how my C-PTSD was at play so much before, I feel like I can just do my best and not have to be perfect or too people pleasing (a huge part of my woes before).

[Bach]

I haven't been able to hold a job outside my home with coworkers and a set schedule and such since 1996.  Before that, I never had any one job for more than a year or so.  These days, when we can get them, I work on jobs with My Person that I can do from home under his supervision, because that way we can responsibly manage my resources.  Additionally, although I have some fairly specialised skills, I would not be employable without My Person because he's the one who is known in our business and gets the job offers, and because my job training is essentially as his assistant.  I'd be perfectly happy and fulfilled with that if jobs that I could work on with him came along regularly, but unfortunately they don't.  So I spend all my time trying and often failing to work on myself while wishing for a life with greater social contact and less time spent knocking around my house passing the time trying not to feel too terrible about myself.  I'm in awe of people with CPTSD who are able to work. 

[Rainydaze]

Honestly? I cope with it badly and it's getting worse. I've had some days in the last few months where my brain just flat out says "No - can't do this anymore".  I do work in an office though which is 100% not the right fit for me. Having a phone shrilling every two minutes, sitting in one place for so long and feeling like I'm sitting in a goldfish bowl is just not good for my mental health at all. My boss is really brash and prone to mood swings too, plus I've had a couple of co-workers covertly mock me in the past for my anxiety and C-PTSD symptoms. I hate it frankly. Such a toxic environment.

Where I live is very rural and there are few opportunities unfortunately other than jobs within hospitality, care or admin. I never did train in anything specific (never had enough of a sense of self to know what I wanted to do) but then I'm not massively career focused, at least when it comes to working for other people. I've had an online business for a few years now as a part time thing and would love to upscale it and devote myself to it full time, but when feeling so mentally unwell it's really difficult. The uncertainty of not having a fixed income triggers me too. I think ultimately I will just have to jump in and go for it though as dedicating any more years to a line of work I detest is even less appealing.