Letters to co-workers

[rainydiary]

I would like to write some letters to several coworkers as well collectively to the organization I work for so I think this will be several posts. 

Dear Co-Worker C -

I want to start off by saying the things I feel like I shouldn't because of "professionalism" and whatever other cultural pressures there are to "be nice" at all costs:  I do not like you and you have deeply hurt me with your thoughtless and disrespectful behavior.

I had misgivings about working with you.  You left our current work place and I heard about you through your old colleagues.  They love you, they think you are awesome.  The person that was hired in your place was difficult to work with and everyone dreamed of the days when you were there.  You decided to come back when this new hire didn't work out.  As a person with a complicated history, this sent up red flags to me.  You left for a reason.  Yes people can change their minds but I recognized in what I knew about you a person that was running away and avoiding.

I decided to try to make the best of it.  I asked to meet with you individually so that we could get on the same page about our work.  You accepted my meeting request but then basically refused to meet with me alone.  You insisted I come join you and another coworker (that is a story for another letter) that I had no interest in being in the same room as.  Another flag. 

As we began to work together more, I made assumptions about your level of support based on things you said to me.  It seemed like we were working well together.  Fast forward many months to the day we all found out that it would be our last day before remote work.  You approached me in anger and "scolded" me.  That moment was like a kaleidoscope shifted into place and I saw all these one off encounters I'd had with you clearly for the first time.  I spent the rest of the day in an EF (which I didn't know at the time).  All the flags I had ignored sprang up and I was overwhelmed.

I saw how many times you had insulted me to my face.  I saw how you didn't respect me enough to speak to me like an adult.  I saw how you were trying to communicate with me but it was so passive I wasn't getting it.  Yet instead of taking ownership of your own behavior, you vilified me. 

I know how you talk about others behind their back and I realized all the things you must say about me when I am not there.  I tried to get help from a boss but they tried talking me out of my feelings and defended you. 

We have been on a long break.  I have been hurting from our encounters during that break.  Yet I have come to a decision.  When we return, I am done letting you ruin my peace.  I am done holding my tongue for the sake of peace.  You are not a nice person and I am sure there are reasons for it.  But I don't have to take your stuff and break my back carrying it.  I wish that we could work together more because it would be beneficial for our students.  But I have decided that you will need to do some work for that to happen.  In the meantime, I will do what I can and remove myself from the situation.  I will do the minimum amount of "collaboration" required.  I will speak my mind to you and since you insist on someone else always being around this will be in front of other people. 

I deserve respect.  I deserve to be listened to. 

[rainydiary]

Dear O -

When I was new you were assigned to help me out.  You did not help me at all.  You tried to control me and pretend like you are in charge of me and like you know how to do my job. 

Instead of helping me, I heard you complain about me to a coworker.  I saw your face every time I talk.  I saw you look at me every time you make a disparaging comment about someone else and look at me as you say it as to say that it applies to me as well.  I am not sure what I have done that is so offensive to you. 

Please stop making comments about how I don't have children of my own.  Please stop speaking outside of your scope of practice because I then have to clean up what you said.  Please take care of yourself and leave me alone.

[rainydiary]

Dear V -

I immediately trusted you when I met you and was burned for doing so.  Your directness hurt me and I heard you complaining about me to a coworker in the hallway.  I tried to cut you out after that but we shared a workspace.  I was also deeply wounded as I suspect you are too and I couldn't help myself.

I continued to be vulnerable with you.  And so you took it upon yourself to speak for me to bosses.  I think you meant well but that made me feel like a child.  It contributed to changes being made without anyone really talking to me.  It hurt me so much. 

You say I am good at my job just complain about my counterpart at your main location.  The things you complain about in her are the same things I'm doing or wanting at my location that are upsetting people.  It confuses me to hear you speak. 

You can be supportive but I don't think our relationship is healthy because neither of us is emotionally healthy.  I do value the chance to collaborate and work with you.  Moving forward I plan to keep our interactions related to us as professionals and our work.  I don't think I need to share emotionally anymore. 

[rainydiary]

Dear Place of Work,

I rarely feel safe to be myself.  I have so many people around me that want to "help" but their way of "helping" leaves me feeling like a child being scolded.  Yet no has done anything that constitutes anything actionable through HR.  My coworkers are ill informed.  Good intentions are not good enough.

I do not like how you value length of employment as a sign that someone should be trusted more.  I do not like that when I try to ask for help I am not listened to and the bosses try to talk me out of my experience and feelings.  I do not like that I cannot be honest about my experience because there are no secrets and I will be betrayed somehow by people I confide in. 

You wonder why my specific job has so much turn over.  I can tell you.  Lack of respect.  Stretched too thin.  But also that people in my line of work tend to bend over backwards and give too much.  That the way we are trained makes us ill suited for the setting.

Right now I will stay.  The pandemic is going to make all the types of jobs I could give a nightmare.  I will do my best to speak up more and ask for what I need.  If that doesn't go well I will be looking for another job next summer.