Really stuck

[owl25]

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this post.

I'm really struggling. I had my session yesterday and I kept throwing up roadblocks. Then our time was up and I felt such anger that nothing was any different. What it really comes down to is that a huge part of me wants to keep things as they are. Presumably because it's known and familiar, and therefore "safe". But I feel horrible. I can't keep living the way I do. I can't keep feeling the way I do. Since the session I've been having a lot of thoughts of not wanting to live (just thoughts, nothing more). I can't keep feeling this way. I don't know what to do. I want rid of all the horrible feelings, but there's a huge block to do anything about them. I'm trying to do IFS but this massive part of me keeps saying no and won't step back enough for me to have a sense of Self.

I woke up again feeling sick and anxious. I can't keep doing this, it's horrible.

[marta1234]

Hey Owl, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. But you're not alone in putting up roadblocks for the whole 45 min of therapy, and then having the "times up" and saying goodbye, but having this horrible feeling at the end and just pure hopelessness. I've had this so many times. For me, I've done this when it's too much. When a normal question from a therapist about my past is too much, and I can't even form the answer. I've had this when I'm going through really traumatic memories (on my own time) and then I just become a sort of zombie, just disappear for the session and then come back at the end when I'm outside.
So I hope you find something to help your EFs, and I know you have so many of them each day that it's unbearable. Sending you lots of support and love, Owl

[buddy9832]

Hi Owl, I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. I have trouble relating to the IFS but I can relate to the suicidal thoughts.

You are worth it, you will get through this and  you will find your PEACE. Hang in there.

[Blueberry]

Hello Owl,
I'm sorry you're feeling stuck. I can relate to the roadblocks because I throw them up myself. I usually do it now when I'm on my own and my T helps me sort them out. I know it can be really frustrating. It's often when I'm trying to go too fast, trying to accomplish too much at once. Though it could be something quite different for you. Anyway, standing with you.

[sigiriuk]

I put up roadblocks when I am scared or ashamed, or just not ready to see things differently.
Be gentle with yourself, be kind, and try not to get frustrated with yourself.

[Not Alone]

What it really comes down to is that a huge part of me wants to keep things as they are. Presumably because it's known and familiar, and therefore "safe".

Many of my thoughts pretty much come from what my T has asked me. It sounds like the part of you wanting to keep things as they are is trying to protect you. Could there additional reason(s) to "known and familiar" for the roadblock? When I have had a roadblock, my T tells me that those parts are feeling afraid for a reason.

I road that I drive past on a regular basis is blocked. I mean really blocked, with a row of cement barricades. If I were somehow able to get around the barricades, I would find myself in a very deep hole. The barricades are there for a reason. The stronger and more solid the barricades, the greater the danger on the other side. Be kind and patient with yourself as you gently ask why the barricades are there. From what you have written, it seems that there might be more going on than that 'familiar is safer.' You seem motivated to work and your distress is really high.

Forgive me if I wrote too much and ignore if none of that applies. I'm talking to myself too.

I know it is so hard to feel horrible, hope to get at least a degree of relief in therapy session and then----session is over, and you feel more frustrated and full of horrible feeling then when you started.

[owl25]

Thanks so much for all the replies. It helps to not quite feel so alone with this. Also to have some other perspectives and thoughts is helpful.

I don't understand why the resistance is so huge. It's been keeping me spinning my wheels for at least 2 years now. It worries me that it is so strong. I do think I'm afraid of all the pain that is buried, but at the same time don't understand why the fear is so strong. Certainly what I am experiencing now doesn't feel like it can be much better. Living in fear like this is horrible. I feel like I am suffering more than necessary, but I can't seem to change it.

I struggle with wanting so much to feel better and feeling really impatient after years of therapy, and then at the same time being completely blocked on making any kind of progress.