Letter my 1 year old self

[rainydiary]

Today I was making a friendship bracelet and for some reason it brought to mind something my father said to me once.  It inspired to write to myself as a baby.

Dear 1 Year Old Me,

I can't remember anything about your life but I know that my current brain and body hold memories.  I only know what I have been told as well as some photos from this time.

In the photos I know, the only one in which you are smiling is when you are in the water.  Your dad took you swimming when you were a baby.  Being in and around water continues to be your place. 

Otherwise in most photos you have this look.  I don't know how to describe it.  It often says to me now "can't you do better for me?"

I think I was in college when your dad made the comment how your mom was pregnant with you before they got married.  He was quick to assure that they were still going to get married either way.  He spoke about it with a lot of shame.  For some reason it came up when he was joining the military.  Today I made the connection that your conception, gestation, and birth seem to be shameful to your parents on some level.  No wonder I carry such a heavy burden.

It is interesting I have never heard my mom's side of that story.  She still had a semester of college left when I was inside her growing.  I remember taking a final (at the same university where my parents attended and thus in the place I was born) around my birthday and realizing my mom must have had finals around then too while I was still inside her.  She carried stress and worry and I always wonder how that was passed down to me.  As I grew I could see how she wanted more out of life than what she ended up with.  That isn't your fault but you were the first born and the first to face whatever your parents were going through.

I look at pictures of you and I love you.  I am glad you were born - you bring a light to the world even if your parents made you feel badly about yourself.  I wish they had their stuff together before you were born - I know your life was chaotic then and it impacted you before you were even aware.  I am here now and I will protect you.  You are safe.

[sigiriuk]

Hi Rainydiary
Thats a lovely letter.
Do you feel different after writing it? OR maybe it's too soon to tell.

I'd love to do that too, and you are an inspiration.

Slim

[rainydiary]

Slim - thank you.  I am not sure - in some ways I feel like I have more pieces of the puzzle and feel better.  In other ways, it hurts.  I did cry and grieve some after I wrote the letter so it seems like a step in the right direction.  I appreciate your words! 

[Snowdrop]

I felt a warm glow in my heart when I read the final paragraph of your letter. I hope it brings you healing.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Snowdrop - there have been many tears today which I hope are healing.  The longer I do this the more that comes up - I hope I am getting more of the poison out.