Miserable lately

Started by holidayay, July 12, 2020, 06:13:09 PM

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holidayay

I've had a rough day. And a rough few days.
I've slipped back into what I can only describe as...a familiar, terrifying abyss of helplessness, emptiness and abandonment.
I got into it a few days back and it just won't shift. Talking to friends doesn't help. Going out for walks doesn't help. Cooking doesn't, reading doesn't, watching TV doesn't.
The only thing I can think of to trigger this is thinking I'll have some harmless fun perusing dating apps. After speaking with several guys - one after the other showing weird, flakey, bizarre and/or inconsistency and then ghosting - it just made me feel depressed again. Like I don't know what relational rules are afterall and hey presto, this is exactly what it felt like as a child. What is 'too much' to expect? How do people interact and actually get with and stay with others if these bizarre behaviours are abundant? I know, I know, dating apps can be fully of weirdos but even the not so weird ones displayed poor behaviour of follow-up. Is this what to expect and actually, any progress I make towards thinking toxic people who can't be relied upon is too high an expectation - and from there....was it actually acceptable for my neglectful childhood if people routinely behave in a flakey manner?

I don't know anymore. I'm finding it very tough to be alone but I don't want to be around others either - went out for drinks with a friend and it was such hard work thinking of what to talk about and worrying she may not be having a fun time around me. I just don't have the energy to not pretend to feel out of it.

Urgh.