Greetings everyone

[Littlebuddha]

Hello,

I'm a 36 years old male and i have cptsd developped in childhood.

I don't exactly know how it developped but i was a closed on oneself being since birth, maybe the birth was traumatic in itself. Actually it was pretty rough.

I had enuresis, both night and daytime at school that caused me a lot of adverse experiences with some professors and my parents. They were mad at me because of this, especially the professors who've been humiliating at times. My parents punished me also for the bedwetting till age of 5.

I think this caused me to be a zoning out child, i daydreamed a lot, i didn't participate at school, i could switch beetween hyperfocusing on something and being lost in my imagination. Kinda like an inatentive adhd person. I didn't like to listen to my parents directions too, it's only when they started to loose patience that i moved, i guess i feared the possible conflict or punishment.

My father is a narcissist who needs to tell anyone that he does better than everyone else, he started drinking when i was 8 years old, he's never been physically violent or verbally critical against me but he wasn't a supportive father.
I grew up being a loner at house, my parents worked at their own bakery till 7 - 8 pm so i spent a lot of time in my room playing videogames, later when i went to middle school i was mainly outside with my friends, doing some roller.

I mainly coped with avoiding strategies, i was never really involved in my studies untill university, then at this time, i began to have a false sense of confidence that i could succeed at anything and not fail. It was in a sense a narcissist superiority illusion if that makes sense.
When failure happened such as bad grades i just ignored and hide them telling me i will fix that later, that won't be a problem.

When inavoidable failure happened then i psychologically decompensated, it has been a really really hard time since 10 years. I was in an extreme state of stress that could'nt pass as it usually did, i couldn't avoid anymore, i had my back against the wall, finally.

I've made tremendous progress but it's been a chaotic path, i could write countless pages about this.

I'm currently unemployed, i live with my mom and actively engaged in therapy, i've made cbt that helped to an extent and now on emdr therapy wich is quite surprising in a good way.
I practise mindfulness wich has been of a tremendous help and yoga. These modalities helped me so much in understanding my different psychological defenses and find new and balanced ways of being.

I hope to get in touch with you and share our experiences.

[sigiriuk]

Hi Little Buddha
A warm welcome the group. It is a safe place here, as you have guessed, otherwise you would not have posted.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with me (us), and from my own viewpoint, I know it can be a hard thing to do.
Pleased that you have CBT and EMDR....never tried the latter. Does it do what it says?

Life can be chaotic with cPTSD, and I hope you can continue to share your story, and feel better from doing it.
I have found that the people here, are good, kind people, and I want this sort of people around me.

So bye for now

Slim

[marta1234]

Welcome Littlebuddha ! Very happy that you have joined us. Hope you find safety and comfort here.

[Three Roses]

Welcome! So glad you're here.

[Not Alone]

Welcome. 

[Snowdrop]

Pleased to meet you, LittleBuddha.