Perpetrator memories blocking inner child work?

[Marian82]

My new therapist started inner child work with me. We immediately bumped into a big, dark, mean bully part blocking all access to my inner child and keeping all comfort and support for her away.

I was afraid i am demon possessed or i am too evil to become whole again.

My therapist didnt know what to do either, because there was no positive intention in this part...It just hates my inner child and wants her to be hurt and destroyed. My therapist asked for advice from someone more experienced, who said it is a cluster of perpetrator memories standing in the way.

Does anyone have experience with that? What does it mean? How to work with that?

Im still afraid there is something dark and evil inside me.

Help?

[Snowdrop]

I don't know if this helps, but in IFS (Internal Family Systems therapy) the part that's being big, dark and mean would be seen as a protector part. One that's trying to protect you in some way. It doesn't mean that you're possessed or evil.

[Not Alone]

I had a Part who was very angry and wanted to kill other parts. She was so full of anger and shame that she didn't know what else to do. After T talked to her a number of times and understood why she was so angry, things changed. She now helps to take care of some of the Littles. She still has a lot of shame to deal with and has times talking to T.

Another Part wanted to kill one Part because things seemed desperate. It seemed the only way out. T listening to and understanding the Part who wanted to kill the other, made a big difference.

Currently, I have a few Parts who are standing guard, keeping other Parts from talking to T online (which is how we are doing therapy now). Therapist says there is a reason that they are keeping that from happening.

It may be, like Snowdrop said, that the "bully part" is trying to protect the child. That Part might be a child, using the only way he/she knows to try and protect child from something.

[Blueberry]

Marian, you are definitely not evil, demon-possessed or anything like that!

Another Part wanted to kill one Part because things seemed desperate. It seemed the only way out.
...
It may be, like Snowdrop said, that the "bully part" is trying to protect the child. That Part might be a child, using the only way he/she knows to try and protect child from something.

I had a Part like that too. It suggested repeatedly for a good number of years that the best plan for my Adult was to end everything. I never acted on it but it still wasn't particularly pleasant. It gradually got less in frequency and intensity, with therapy. I think at some point a T did speak to the Part during group therapy. If I remember correctly I played the role of this part and later somebody else did too while I watched. The Part was a teenager but not aggressive or even very teenagery at all, more Freeze/Dissociated than anything else. The reaction was the only thing the Part knew to suggest but once the T was speaking to the Part, it was actually very sensible, calm, reasonable and down-to-earth.

It's conceivable that it is too early for you to do Inner Child work. I don't know that it is, only you and your T can tell but that is a possibility. The first time I tried merely picturing my Inner Child (in a group session) a very aggressive, violent something-or-other turned up and attacked IC. I was told it was too early for me.

You asked how to work with it. From my own experience, I would say: go slowly, don't push yourself and try not to allow yourself to be pushed (if your T tends to push you). There are methods for working with these kinds of Parts that go easier on you e.g. constellation work (at least I think that's what it is called in English). You can set up some symbols on a table: stones or stuffed animals or any objects you want to use to represent yourself and the Part and any other parts that turn up. If your T knows how to work with that kind of setup or can learn it from a colleague or a course, then that's a possibility. I wouldn't suggest trying it on your own the first time.

[Marian82]

What you three told helps a lot. So it is actually "normal" to have such parts. I will bring these suggestions to my therapist. Thanks!

[Three Roses]

I agree with what's been said. Just in case you've not heard/seen this yet, here's a link to a video about Internal Family System therapy from its developer, Richard Schwartz - https://youtu.be/2UfmGwENz9M - it is part 1of 4, & there will be links to the other 3 parts on YouTube.

One of the main concepts of IFS is that no "part" is evil or bad; they are all trying to protect the other parts and/or the Self from pain, harm, attack, etc. These parts usually will readily accept a different "job" if they are listened to.

My HMO offers IFS therapy and I am planning on seeking a therapist trained in it as soon as I can. I've tried doing it on my own but it's too difficult for me, I can only get so far.