DID?? (TW)

[RiverRabbit]

I have been going through some very tough therapy.

I finally verbalized my being raped at the age of 7 by a 14 year old boy.  I told no one at the time that it happened... and it was something I refused to think about afterward.

When it happened, I recall the first part (him cutting my arm with his hunting knife... being penetrated) , but the next thing I recall was walking in the woods, where I always played, very confused...  very upset...  feeling very isolated.

I think now I have processed this and am moving past it.  I am through the doorway, and I am not going back.

But, this has changed me.  It has changed how I react to things... how I react to my children... how I react to my wife.  It has changed me for the better.

My wife, I think, is now confused as to how we fit together, and what her new role is.  Twenty-five years of being married to me has taught her that I am a minefield... no telling what will trigger me.  And, I think there is some resentment (I have not been easy to live with).

We were talking to our marriage therapist and my wife described one of our fights and how I get during.  She brought up an incident when we were hiking up on a mountain and having a pretty serious argument with threats of her leaving me.  She said, at a particularly intense part, I walked over to the edge of the cliff we were on top of and just stared out.  She said she approached me and I turned around, and was acting like I expected her to try to push me off of the cliff... she said it was like I was a different person.

The problem I have with this is that I do not recall it at all.  I remember the hike.  I do not remember the cliff.

I am skeptical of DID in most cases.  My psychology teachers all seemed to agree that DID is extremely rare, and often faked in order to avoid responsibility for one's actions.  Of course, this was 20 years ago, and I do not know what the current view on DID is.

I do not know if this is DID (see skeptical), but I am now remembering other times when my wife has brought up incidents that I just have no memory of.

[Three Roses]

I'm no expert but I've read a lot about DID. I don't know if I fit the diagnosis but I know I deal with some sort of dissociation.

There is much more understanding of this disorder nowadays than in the past. I listened to one YouTube from a woman who described it with a driving analogy - sometimes she is the driver, sometimes someone else takes over the driving while she sits in the back but is aware of everything happening, sometimes she has no recollection.

I also read recently that it's much more common than previously known.

Also, according to Richard Schwartz who "invented" IFS therapy, we all have multiple "parts". Here's an introductory video to this form of therapy, which I am most interested in above all other forms, many of which I've used and none of them helped. Anyway, here it is - https://youtu.be/2UfmGwENz9M (part 1of 4).

He explains that we all have these different parts, but in the case of DID patients, their parts have split away or stopped talking to the "Self," or are otherwise somehow compartmentalized.

I hope you find some comfort and reassurance. You're not alone in this, and I hope you feel up to giving an update on this. I care about you.

[RiverRabbit]

I hope you find some comfort and reassurance. You're not alone in this, and I hope you feel up to giving an update on this. I care about you.

I really appreciate this part of your response.  i need this right now.

A misunderstanding from Sunday night... a fairly good day on Monday... we talked about the misunderstanding, and it seemed resolved... then Tuesday morning my wife was in a rage about the Sunday misunderstanding.  At one point she said she hates me, she does not love me anymore, and if I touched her again she would "f@#$" me up.  She then got physical with me.  Worse than the few times before (lots of years separating each... probably 4 incidents over 25 years).

I did not defend myself, physically or verbally (never have).  I just kept trying to calm her down.  I was able to keep my emotions calm (mostly).  And later she apologized for the physical part over the phone, then hung up on me before I could respond.

She is being nice enough today, but I am not sure if the "do not touch" mandate is still in place (so no hugs or any thing), and there has been no "I love you", so, not really sure where I stand at this point.

I think I am doing well, considering the abandonment/attachment issues I have been working on... maybe I have made real progress.

Still just numb about her getting physical.  Not angry, or sad... just numb.

[Three Roses]

Physical abuse is never okay. No matter what. Period.

Maybe she was in an emotional flashback. Whatever the reason, her violent response to you is not okay.

I will repeat - I care about you. (For that matter, I care about her, too. Her violence isn't healthy for her either.) Are you safe?

[RiverRabbit]

I am safe.

It is not like when I was a little kid, with my family abusers... I am significantly bigger than my wife, so, no real physical harm was done... just some scratches.

I want to protect my wife.  And she did apologize for that part.

I feel like just letting it go, and continuing with our counseling and healing path.

[Three Roses]

I support you in your decision. 

[Kizzie]

Hey RiverRabbit, sorry to hear things have been a struggle with your wife and wondering if you might suffer from DID. 

Just my thoughts here but when things are starting to get physical, it's cause for concern.  You do have a marriage counselor so it would be a good idea to bring up what happened. It's something s/he needs to know to be able to help you both. 

Your reaction on the hike actually sounds to me like an episode of "dissociative fugue" because you have no memory of it happening. One of the blessings and curses of CPTSD is that we become adept at dissociating but it doesn't necessarily mean you suffer from DID.  If you're concerned it might be an idea to see a professional though - better to know one way or the other I'd suggest.

[RiverRabbit]

T handled the physical issue well.  Can't give details, but I think this led to a breakthrough for my wife.  Some perspective and insight was gained.

I was able to get angry with her, and it felt more safe while telling her.  New territory for me.  I have a past of just absorbing... turning that anger inward.

[Kizzie]

So glad to hear you made progress RiverRabbit      

[Three Roses]

  Here's to new territory!

[BJeanGrey]

Trauma for young children, it's a lot for a kid's mind to take. It makes sense that you'd block that experience out. It nonetheless still operates under the surface though, at least for me. I don't think I've had any instances where I've blocked out memories - but, how would I know? I've been a loner since I was very young. I know I've definitely had episodes where I've disassociated from my body and feelings. I wish I had something helpful to say, but I'm afraid I don't. So, I'll just say, I wish you peace.