Letter to my husband

[rainydiary]

I decided to ask myself why I get so keyed up by my in-laws.  Yes they do things I don't care for but my true anger lies with my husband.  I wanted to write a letter a him.

Dear Husband,

The anniversary of the day we met is approaching and our relationship is often on my mind.  I honestly don't think I would be where I am if it had not been for us meeting.  Yet it is hard to understand why we have had to go through so much pain to get here.

I have a long list of things that bug me about your family.  But if I'm honest it has never been their BS that gets to me the most - it is how you respond.  For many years even after we were married you continued to prioritize your family (especially your mom and sister) over me.  I let it happen because I don't think I really understood the depth of the situation but also I had been raised feeling so lousy about myself this didn't really seem any different.

Yet, we hit several low points (usually around November or December) in our relationship where everything we were avoiding burst forth.  I think that this is why I dread the time from around September to December - it signifies the slow build up to hitting what feels like rock bottom but ends up being just the start of what will eventually prove to be the rock bottom. 

This past November your brother died and it was a horrible thing to go through with you.  What was hardest for me to watch was how your family dynamic made this terrible thing even worse.  It led to us having a very difficult patch in our marriage that made me wonder if we were done.  The best thing that came out of that time was me finally seeing the truth of my own situation.

I have not been ok for a very long time and you and I got stuck in that.  I think a part of me was always waiting for someone to rescue to me and for a long time I thought you were the one that would do so.  What I didn't see was that I was adding to your burden - you'd been raised to parent your parents as well as your siblings and then you were made to feel like you had to manage the feelings and experiences of your wife. 

What I have learned is that I need to take care of myself.  I needed to acknowledge that I was abused and developed unhealthy ways of seeing myself and dealing with the world as a result.  Early on in my healing journey I realized all the weight I had put on you and that felt terrible.  I have spent most of this year working on me.  I noticed that as soon as I began to take ownership of myself, you seemed to feel better. 

I think we still we have work to do.  I hope to accept that you aren't the superhuman savior I thought you would be when we met.  I hope I can stop being so angry that you talk to your sister multiple times a day.  I hope to accept that you are doing the best you know how.  I hope to keep seeing you take steps to take care of yourself. 

Everything feels different now and I feel like we are getting to know our new selves and each other.  Love feels so strange now and I don't really know what it is.  I think right now it is taking care of myself and you giving me the space to do so as you have. 

[Three Roses]