Sceal's journey

[Sceal]

When I last wrote a post here I honestly thought I would leave. At the very least, for longer than this.

But I feel that I have drained my best friends resources, and I have lost Lady T and my doctor and support nurse is on vacation. And I need to talk.

The family dog of over 13 years is going to be put down, most likely next week. He has had heart problems for years now. He lost control over both urine and feces over a year ago. He has steadily but surely gotten weaker in his hind legs. He's been happy and full of energy until recently. He is still happy, but he is tired now. He doesn't want to go for walks, he can't play anymore, he can barely wag his tail. He is awake and alert, and he wants the cuddles and to be with his flock. Occasionally he will bark at people walking on the street or chase the cat.
We have known that this is where it's going. I just... I am not good at good-byes. His love has always been unconditional.
I know that this is pre-emptive grief. And that afterwards I will grieve. I know it is normal and that it is healthy. That grieving is a way of acknowledging how much that someone had meant to me.
I am just not good with emotions, I push them away because I don't know how to carry them alone. And I am alone. I am living with my parents, so in a way I am not alone. But..it's hard to describe and explain. And I just.. I just don't want to explain.

My sister told me that soon before gran died she had confused her with me and apologized. My sister says she's told me this before, but I don't recall. She told me that she had told gran that she shouldn't have to worry, that she (I) am not angry. Although, we never did manage to heal the wound that happened... At least, I think she knew I wasn't angry. I miss her so much. It's been years now. But I still haven't deleted her phone number, and I still keep seeing her in old ladies of her same height. She would hate to put the dog down too. Everyone does.

I gave Lady T a gift on my last session with her. I was disconnected, so I wasn't able to tell her the things I wanted to say. So now I am writing a book about trauma... Not my trauma, but a simplified FAQ book about trauma for people who doesn't speak medical language... I don't know if I will ever finish it or do something about it... Because it is part a reaction to anger over something I became aware of.

---TW---

(Short explanation: someone went online and wrote an "apology letter" for bad behaviour towards women. Of sexual harassment and abuse after they had been outed by one of their victims. And they were being applauded for "apologizing". It made me so angry. I haven't been that angry for years. I haven't ever allowed myself to feel that angry.)

--- End of TW ---

And it is part so I can contact Lady T to get a professional opinion about the book. I have other doctor friends I could ask, but not psychologists or psychiatrists. It's a thought, but it makes me feel like I am stepping over a boundary if I actually reach out. Although she did say she would love to attend my art shows, whenever I have them next.

And then I realised today something about my childhood. I was quite young when I decided I wouldn't amount to anything. That I couldn't do anything. It is silly example maybe. Maybe I read too much into it..
When I was being taught how to bike I refused to believe my mother when she told me I was biking on my own. Even when she was running next to me showing me she wasn't holding the bike I was on. I got so angry I threw the bike aside and refused to go on it again because "I can't do it!" (meaning =I am a failure!). I didn't touch the bike again until end of the season or the next season when I saw an older boy being awful at biking. That's when I thought I too could do it. It's a silly pattern, and maybe a silly example. But to me it tells me that I thought already then that I needed to be perfect on the first try. I needed to succeed early, and when I never did it just underlined my belief I had about me already that I am a loser.
So I then have to work harder in order to be average. But it's so exhausting.

I honestly thought I had stopped believing in perfection in my mid 20s. But I think it is so deeply ingrained in me, that when I say I need to be " good enough" I really do mean "perfect", because anything less isn't acceptable. I won't be liked, or approved of, or accepted if I did anything less. The problem is of course that everyone has different views on what is actually perfect.. and I can't seem to please everyone all the time...  But I keep trying, because I don't know how to stop. And also because I had honestly thought that I was past it.

[Sceal]

I feel terrible already for posting here. For taking up space.

Part of me hopes someone will read and comment. And part of me hopes not because I know I am still not capable of being there for others in the capacity that I want.

[rainydiary]

Sceal,

I appreciate you sharing your story here.  A lot of what you wrote resonates with me the part about feeling like you aren't able to be there for people the way you would like. 

For me, I have had to learn to accept that others can be there for me so that I can be heard and heal.  I often feel bad that I am not  someone others in my life come to in a time of need or to share their stories.  I hope that one day I can be a listening ear like so many people have been for me of late.

I think it is ok to be in different roles at different parts of our journey.

[woodsgnome]

I appreciate how brutally hard it was to acknowledge what's been happening with your dog's declining health of late. I've gone through lots of those, never easily.

I share your views about the difficulty of accepting that we can be good enough without being perfect. I tell myself that, but it seems easily forgotten; the habits are so deep, built on all the pain of past times. I keep forgetting those are only fragments of a past no longer mine; so your tale is so familiar. The worst is that I give up easily.

Good to hear you're at least taking steps about the book. Even  if that were never to get in print, it's still worthwhile to put forth the creative spark in assembling your ideas.

Regarding your posts here, they've always been worthwhile and welcome. I think lots of us (I know I do) are hesitant because we think no one else cares, but then we find it's doubly hard if not impossible to find anyone, anywhere, who understand much about the ups and downs of this journey we're on.

Thanks for coming back, Sceal. As you are -- continuing to trek on despite the hazards affected by what happened before.

Take good care of yourself. 

[Tee]

  oh Sceal,
I'm so sorry about your dog. My dogs got old and died about 7 years back now, I'm planning on getting a new one when I'm done with school. It's so hard to say good bye to a friend who loves so unconditionally.  My thoughts will be with you My friend send a hug of support
As for the feeling not good enough and having to be perfect being so ingrained from such a young age I still fight that battle too I'm sure many of us do because of our trauma we struggle with the big why weren't we good enough to love question?  Whether we are able to name or face it yet or not. The truth is love should be unconditional like that which comes from our pets. People just screw it up and put limitations and rules on to it sometimes making it unattainable.  I think you are an amazing person! And are great just the way you are! Perfect Sceal!  Sending a big smile 😊 and Hug my friend!

[Three Roses]

Although I'm sorry about the circumstances that have led you to post here again, I am glad to see you again. 

I also have had dogs that I've had to put down, and another one coming up soon; I don't really want to count how many, and at times it's very painful. But I comfort myself with believing that I will see them again someday.

Don't worry about by there for others, or taking space, or anything like that - when you post, your experiences and your pain are likely to touch on something that someone else needs to hear. You don't always have to respond to others to get a compassionate response for yourself. It's okay, we understand.

[Not Alone]

Sceal,

I'm glad that you came back and posted. I still care about you and you are warmly welcome here.

I'm so sorry about your dog. That is really heartbreaking and you've had a lot of losses lately.

[Sceal]

So many warm-hearted replies. Thank you so much everyone.

To Rainydiary:
Thank you for your validation. I am saddened that you also feel this guilt, it's hard to carry around. I hope I can learn like you, to accept that I'm at the part of my journey where I need to speak, and not listen too much.  Acceptance of things and situations are not my strongest trait.

To woodsgnome:
Thank you for reaching out, your posts have often resonated with me. They have felt familiar and similar to my own experiences.

I think that even if were I not to send the book to any publishers, at the very least I will learn more about trauma and it's consequences. Not just my own, but more in a broader perspective. And I do like to learn things, even if it drains me.

I also worry, like I am sure many here do, that my experiences isn't worth complaining about. Or that they are less than other people's experiences. I am trying to let go of the comparison tendencies I have within art, but perhaps I need to let it go in other areas of my life too.

To Tee:
I am not sure if I could personally get my own dog when I finally get a home of my own. There's too much pain when loosing them. He is currently snoozing next to me as I am supposed to be working on artwork.  And I keep tearing up everytime I think about that he has less than a week left. I've had to let go of so many people this year, letting go of him is worse, because he will be truly gone.

To ThreeRoses:
I hope you are right, that we'll see them again some day. I didn't grow up in a religious environment, so I'm not so sure about whether or not I believe in life-after-death, or heaven, or whatnot. But a part of me really doesn't want not to believe it.

I just deeply wish I had the excess capacity to be there fully for other people.

To notalone:
Thank you so much for your kind words and your hugs.

[Sceal]

I read today on twitter that if you are trying to rest but feel guilty about not doing the work you think you should be doing, then you're not really resting, which will lead to never really feeling on top of your game. It'll feel like a grind, and eventually lead to a burnout.
I think this is right, I've experienced this in the past. Yet, at the same time.. I can't seem to find a way to relax. I can't do nothing. I can't watch a movie or a tv-show without starting to analyze, I can't read a book without analyzing, or feeling like I should be reading a theoretical book instead of a fantasy novel, or feeling that I should be writing on my own book. I can't play a game without looking at the art, and I can't scroll on Social Media because my feeds are filled with art and art-tips. Watching really old tv-shows with my parents makes me restless, it's pouring outside so it's not really all that interesting to go for a walk. Cuddling the dogs makes me sad and restless.. And I keep thinking about all the art I should be doing.
I do want to create, I do want to work on the projects, but the moment I sit down or stand up to do it, I just.. I don't seem to be able to make any good decisions.

My body is stressed, my mind is stressed and I can't get a good release from it. I keep it in, I bottle it up, and I can't get it out.
I've done all the typical tips:
Drink soothing tea
Watch a movie
listen to music
cuddle the dogs
go for a walk (before the rain started)
clean
remind myself of the good things
remind myself of the things and people I'm grateful for
nap
play games
Stretch out and breathe

I don't quite know how to let go.

[Tee]

  I started doing archery. Learning something new that requires focus and also allows for frustration release as well.  It helps me relax some because my mind continues to run through all the back log off my trauma. Any time I'm not focused on work our school. I get what your saying about everything triggering you to think about something else it's hard especially when your stuck in your house.  Struggling with you. Big hugs.

[Blueberry]

I read today on twitter that if you are trying to rest but feel guilty about not doing the work you think you should be doing, then you're not really resting, which will lead to never really feeling on top of your game. It'll feel like a grind, and eventually lead to a burnout.

Oh that speaks to me! Thanks for posting it Sceal.

"Supposed to be doing" / "Should be doing". I see you are "supposed to be doing artwork" but I can imagine it might feel and even be far more important to you to sit with your dog for his final week   I am always devastated when my pets die and I always wish I'd spent more time with them, though I do spend a lot of time on and with them.

As to 'letting go', a question I can sometimes ask myself about any kind of blockage goes along the lines of "What else don't I want to let go?" Though that can bring up too much or be triggering.

Another possibility is EFT / tapping: "I accept myself even though I can't let go." (or whatever other sentence occurs to you).  Sometimes I fall asleep doing EFT. My T says that's good because at least I relax enough to fall asleep. But sometimes I do 2-3 rounds, feel better and get up and start doing things.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sweet sceal,

you have nothing to apologize, as you would tell me if i apologized for not being here for you lately.  sometimes we need to step away, sometimes we need to simply focus on ourselves, sometimes we have enough energy to spread ourselves around.  there's no right or wrong way, no bad or good way.  we're all birds on a wire, as my hub would say about anyone in recovery.  we do what we can when we can.

i've lived under that 'perfection' core belief most all my life, and don't know if i'm quite out of it still.  it totally sucks that we don't believe we can just be people, with people emotions, strengths, and flaws.  it's a tough one, for sure.

i, too, have had to put dogs down, and it's a sad day.  my heart is with you.   

i'm glad you were able to come here after so much of your support system has gone.  i so appreciate you.  i remember you telling me once that even if you had a broken arm, you'd find a way to show support to me.  it's things like that which are remembered about you.  you've made a difference in lives here, a pos. difference, even if it's hard to hear it.  i'm with you, sceal, even if i can't always tell you that.  much love and very sorry about the circumstances that brought you back, but i'm glad to see you anyway.   

[Sceal]

I appreciate your words, blueberry and San.
I am sorry I haven't replied to them, and that I won't right now.

I am exhausted.
I don't know what is the root of all this stress, but I feel the tension, I feel the elevated activation in my body. I have for weeks. But it is at the point where I am worn out now. I have naps several times a day now.
I know I need them, that much is obvious. But it doesn't mean I like them.
I keep pretending I am fine, mostly because emotionally, most of the time I feel very little.
I get frustrated and I think it is about my art. But if I stop for half a second  and think I know that's just on the surface... But I am not willing to go deeper.
I want to withdraw.
Instead I put on a smile and pretend everything is good. I lie. Most of all, I lie to myself.
Just writing this has earned me another nap.. and I just woke up from one.

[sanmagic7]

ya know, facing your reality can be exhausting, for sure.  i think you did really well writing all that down.

i'm glad you're taking naps because they're what feel like you need.  always remember, this, too, shall pass.  i think if you just go with it for now, things will become clearer for you sooner.  sending love and a hug filled with acceptance.

[Sceal]

Thank you San.

I'm not normally the kind that stays in bed. I'm usually too restless for it, too unsafe in a bed to stay there for very long. So it's not a place I hide out.

I usually hide out in a dark room, closet, or whatever. The only problem is - those aren't particularly comfortable anymore. Also.. not a lot of closets that fit me anymore.

I just don't..
I just don't want anything.