Sceal's journey

[Sceal]

  thank you Tee. Hugs aren't allowed here either. Unless it is one of your primary contacts.
I live with my folks, and they are my only primary..we are allowed up to 3 I think.  It does kind of hurt that I am no one else's primary contact. That no one wants to prioritize me, or maybe they just can't. But still..

Anyway, I got a brain fog since yesterday. Usually sleep and fresh air tends to help make it go away. But neither had helped. I feel uninterested in everything. Sounds and light is bothering me. It's not really fatigue, but my brain just isn't working. And I have work I want to finish so I can relax. But no motivation.

[Tee]

  we might be in a very similar situation right now.  My motivation to much more than the bare minimum late had been a real struggle.  I live with my H and two kids.  My two kids are really the only thing that gets me out of bed some days. sending a big hug of motivation.😜

[Sceal]

  I am glad you have something to get you out of bed, that I hope are positive.
I mainly get up due to feeling guilty for not being productive and feeling sore for lying down too long.

My nurses are annoying.  I feel so judged and unhelped by them. I was telling them I am having a bad time of it during this new lockdown. And that I have no close contacts to hang out with. And I'm surprised at my need for social life.. and she goes and suggest I go hiking with a group of new people. We are on a partial lockdown, meaning we aren't supposed to go meet up with loads of people, and defintively not new people. What silly advice is that? Also, I wasn't looking for advice.
It really irks me when people keep giving me advice when I am not asking for it.

[Tee]

  well yeah the whole point of lock down is to stay away from people. Well I'm sorry the people who are suppose to be there to help are being less than helpful. I do like hiking sometimes if it's not too cold and there's a nice trail. Hugs I hope you find someone or something to motivate you to get out of bed besides guilt. You don't need to add self hate or shame. 

Big hug my friend this too will pass and eventually things have to get better right?

[Sceal]

I had a meeting at the hospital today.
A checkup after my surgery.
Everything checks out. I should be happy. I should be pleased. Thrilled.
I've reached my goal weight.
I can go ahead and apply for skin removal, although I might not get it covered. I probably wont. Which is another financial burden I have to make on my own.
If only I could sell enough art to cover the cost, but that's not going to happen I think. It'd be a dream to, of course.

I feel awful. I'm sad. I'm exhausted.
I don't know why,  or maybe I don't want to admit it.
My birthday is this week. I've never really looked forward to it, except this year. I looked forward to it this year. But I had to cancel all the plans, so I will be alone. Alone in my sparkly dress.

[marta1234]

Hey Sceal, wanted to pop by and send you my support and hugs  . I'm sorry you're having such stressors in your life right now.
If you feel like you might want to, you can always post on the birthday forum and we can have a little celebration there. Any way, I'm sorry you feel exhausted and awful, just remember to be kind and take care of yourself even during difficult times. Sending you lots of love 

[Snowdrop]

I'd love to celebrate your birthday with you. Sending you love, support and care.

[sanmagic7]

i'm with you, sceal, and i'd love to celebrate with you, too.  i love the idea of a sparkly dress!  sparkles are so much fun!

congrats on reaching your goal weight - that's quite an accomplishment!  very proud of you, sceal.  you've done so much hard work around this issue, have really stuck with it.  very impressive.   

sorry you're feeling down right now.  could it be a reaction to achieving your goal?  or to the price tag attached to the next step?  that's pretty formidable to face.  sending love and a hug filled w/ birthday wishes

[Tee]

  happy birthday sceal.  I'm happy everything went well I'll cross my fingers that the next steps are covered for you.  I hope you find some happy moments in your day!  Sending you warm thoughts smiles hugs.

[Sceal]

Thank you all. I am grateful to all of you, and I am happy that I have "met" you, and got you here. I wish it were better times for all of us.

Lady T comes to mind a lot these days. I miss her, I miss her kindness, frankness and her ability to listen without judgement. or without giving me advice I don't need. She would tell me, I think, or rather ask, if my expectations of myself right now are being a tad too high. That perhaps it would be possible to lower them, if even just a little. To which right now, I really wish I knew how to.

I am sad too, because the last time I saw her, it was impossible for us to say goodbye properly. No hug, no handshake. Nothing.
I keep dreaming about just one !"#¤"# hug. Or any sort of physical contact, well, not any sort. But any good kind. A pat on the back, a gentle nudge, being grabbed by the arm to be shown something nice, holding of hands. a simple high five. All these little things that would at one time really set me off. It's ironic, how hard it is without them now.
They say that if you remove any physical touch to a baby, but keep it otherwise warm and fed, it will wither and eventually die. Because a baby requires physical contact. I think this is very essential for grown people too.
Before covid19, I didn't go around remembering the last time someone brushed against me, or gave me a high five or shook my hand. Not that it happened everyday, but every second day. Or at least everyday I left the house. But now.. now I vividly remember the last 4 times I've had any physical contact with people for the last 6 months. Isn't that crazy?

When I moved out from my ex, in that very difficult time I had at the end of last year, and at the beginning of this. I would imagine my best mate (who lives abroad) giving me one of his greally fantastical great hugs (you know, there are some people who have magic hugs). He was visiting me a little over a year ago. And that memory alone gave me comfort for a great many months. Now it just makes me cry.
And still, I should remember. That I am fortunate. I am not sick, my family isn't sick and my friends haven't been sick.

[Tee]

  it's hard though sceal not have someone give you a real hug or part on the back.  Touch is important.  I wish I could give you a real hug.

[Sceal]

Thank you Tee, I am so surprised at how much I miss human touch. Just 6 months ago I was perfectly okay with not being touched at all. In-fact I quite preferred it. All thoughts of it would trigger memories. Strange how things can change so quickly.

I did have a lovely birthday. It became better than I could have hoped for. I even got a hug. Twice, from the same person. I told her that was the best gift I could have recieved. I think people in relationships doesn't quite comprehend how it feels. Or people with children. Because they will to some extent have physical contact throughout the day. I'm not saying they don't struggle, they do. But with other issues, I think.

I think I'm burnt out. I got a nagging feeling that my nurses and my parents and my gp has warned me, but the funny thing is.. it's not my excersise that's burning me out. It's the lack of it. It closed down 2.5 week ago now, and I feel like I live in a completely different world. I am not doing well, it's interessting though. how quickly that deteriorated. My mental health due to lack of working out as much and being social with my "crew" at the gym. They and the workout has made me feel stronger than anything. They've made me have a sense of normalcy and a feeling of being able to do *. I could do *. Even if it was poorly, it didn't matter - because I could do it.  And let me tell you, I think you probably know what I'm talking about more than most, how god "*#%"n important it is to feel like you can do things. Like really feel it.

With my art now.. It feels like a burden. 24/7 it's on my mind. Marketing, promoting (extremely poorly at both parts) fixing websites, setting up the shop (without any sales), instagram, twitter, facebook. Setting up exhibition at the gallery - making awful posters (I'm NOT a graphics designer. I've no clue what I am doing). Trying to do what people are telling me to, but all they keep doing is finding flaws.
I just.. I need some *fr12#¤"% validation and being told what it is that I am doing right. So I can focus on that, not on all the other things that I keep doing wrong.

I know I'm being selfish on this forum. I don't engage very much in other people's journals and posts. I hope to one day soon have the energy to. I am just so scared of it affecting me poorly, being an empath it's hard not to let other people's sadness, hurt and suffering affect me. I so desperatedly want you all to feel better.

[Tee]

  I'm glad you got a couple of real hugs sceal.  I'm sorry I can't give you a real one.  We are all here thinking of you and wishing the best for you as well. I only look on few friends theses days it's all I can do.  Hoping your art stuff gets in frontof the right people.   

[Sceal]

Thank you Tee, I think you thinking of me is sending me some positive lights through these dark days.
I really hope you're on the strong side these days.

[Sceal]

Hey guys. I need to get something off my chest - because I can't call a friend and whine about it.

I work at a place where most of us have disabilities of some form. I don't know which mental illness they have or is struggling with, it isn't for me to know. And they don't know what I'm struggling with. We are there part time all of us, because it's all we are able to manage. There's some supervisors there too, but they are without these struggles. They are there to help us, maybe more like guidance folk rather than supervisors. (Explaining this in a third language is hard).  I'm just mentioning it, because it might be easier to understand. I am aware that my co-workers all have various and different challenges and needs to be accommodated in different ways, and I totally understand that. If someone is having a particular challenge, then it's important to take that into account.
But lately I've felt that I've had to consider everyone else's struggles, whereas mine has been ignored or overlooked. Or minimized, because I know that I tend to appear more functional than I am  (I am not saying you can see it on the others, but I think they might be better at letting the supervisors know than I am). And I am exhausted.

I'm the leader of a group that is arranging an event that will run for 3 weeks. And in order for that to go smoothly I kind of needed my co-workers who are joining in on this to hand me files and information within a set time. Many did. But many had to re-do some of their files. Many came after the deadlines. (various deadlines for different things).  Some of them were good to let me know that their things would be coming my way then and then. But some didn't. I didn't even know if they were still participating or not.
Since we all work part time, and due to corona many of us are working even less, I don't get to see everyone every week. despite me leading this group, it's not my job to go hound people to make sure they deliver. And I can't tell them "no, sorry - you're too late" either. Because... we are supposed to be considerate.  Except, that when people do not uphold deadlines and aren't punctual that to me is disrespectful. Or they don't care as much, they don't show that they are all that invested. And it stresses me out like crazy! Especially if they don't communicate with me. If they'd let me know that they can't make the deadline, but they still want to join - if it's still possible, then that would tell me they do want to join, and they are working to get there. But stuff got in the way. It's easier for me to take that into account. I know what sort of things I got to work with then. I can tell them that "of course, just have it by so and so - and I'll add your stuff to it later".  But this didn't happen.
There was a lot of communications problems. From me as well. I forgot that some people had shown interests, because they just told me in passing and I forgot to write it down. So they didn't get the e-mails I sent out. That's on me, and I apologised for that.  It is just that it's wasted so much time, it's been so chaotic and unpredictable. I'm so stressed out. I haven't had any time to work on my own stuff for the past 2 weeks. I am nauseated, I'm actually constipated. I'm so sure I'm constipated due to all the stress this is giving me. My diet hasn't changed drastically. I have no joy in creating anything anymore. I just feel like throwing up when I think of doing something creative. But the other problem is.. due to corona.. I really don't know what else I can do. I've no hobbies. My workout was my free-time, my hobby, my time off. But it's locked down until further notice. So I don't get a break.

I am so tired of the computer now. I don't want to watch TV, I don't have a brain to read. I don't have a brain to learn new things. Staring into the wall is boring as "#%. I try to make the time pass, I try to do some mindfulness. But today at work.. It was really hard. I was on the verge of crying.
I don't know how to phrase it to them that unless there's some changes then I'll have to withdraw from that event group. which sucks, because I do enjoy it. But this past event has taken a toll on my health - and I can't accept that.