Sceal's journey

[Tee]

  sceal I feel your frustration.  If I were you I think I would talk to the managers and ask what they think you should do because your becoming overwhelmed trying to tread lightly, but feeling like a floor mat.   That's just me though it is hard to ask for help though so I'm not really sure I would.  But before I left an activity I enjoyed I think I'd asked for help.  I hope you have a good Thanksgiving!  My friend!

[Sceal]

Thank you Tee  , I don't celebrate Thanksgiving as I am not an American. But if you are, I hope yours is lovely! 
I would talk to the managers/supervisors/guidance person. but they are all the same. And they are the ones who are accepting everyone else not delivering on their deadlines. We recently got a new boss. She's super excited about these things, but I don't have a good enough feeling about her on these kinds of matters yet.

[sanmagic7]

my dear, sweet, sceal, i hear you.  just want you to know that.

i used to work out regularly at a gym, 30 yrs. ago, and i totally get what you're talking about.  it was a great community to be part of, even tho we didn't get 'friendly', it was just nice to be around people who i had something in common with.  plus, the physicality of it made me feel like i accomplished something while encouraging my body to do what it was built for.  i really feel for you that such a positive activity has been taken away from you.

this isolation stuff is wreaking havoc with mental health issues.  you're right - the need for touch is hardwired into our DNA, i think.  i'm just glad you got 2 hugs for your birthday - a real gift, indeed!

i don't think you're selfish, sceal.  i think you're showing self-care.  if you don't have the energy, you don't have it.  no shame in that.  you've been very generous with your caring and support when you were able to.  let us give some of that back now.  i wish i could hug you in person, but i'm sending much love and a virtual hug to you - it's the best i can do.

[Tee]

  I worked yesterday so got paid a bonus for working a holiday cause I do live in the US. I hope your day was better even if it wasn't a holiday.    I hope you are able to say something before you feel you have to leave something you enjoy.  Sending love and encouragement.

[Sceal]

So glad to hear that Tee! In these days I bet the most of us can do with extra pay! 

San, I had dinner with one from the gym this week. But it's not the same. We're both stressed and unhappy. The laughter and the smiles didn't come easily. But it was good to see her.

It was defintively a treat to get those two hugs. And I treasure them, despite me yearning for more hugs now.

Thank you, for not finding me selfish. It means a lot to hear that. Especailly as the shame monster is quite prevalent.
--

I am hurting a lot today. I went for a hike with my dad and the dog. It was a beautiful sunny day, but we got lost. It was muddy, but it was fine. No one got injured, grumpy or fatigued. And we found our way back home. we weren't lost for that long, but there was a time there we felt astray.
I did do more adult things today. I changed the bedcovers and I booked an appointment with the dentist. I bathed the dog (much needed).
And then I collapsed, on the inside.

I still can't do any art. I meant to today, but my stomach did a turn when I thought about opening up photoshop to get started. Instantly drained of all energy.
I'm not depressed, and I'm not in an art block. I just.. I can't explain it.
At the same time.. I'm struggling with marketing.
I re-did my website, and I uploaded my shop finally. But no action.

[sanmagic7]

i think many of us in the creative arts fields have difficulty with promotion and marketing.  i know that for me and my d, marketing our books is the least favorite aspect, and we stall the most when faced with it.  i hope you can have some patience with yourself - when absolutely necessary, i'm guessing the energy will be there.  please, keep taking care of you, be gentle with yourself, ok?  love and hugs

[Tee]

  small steps Sceal.  Today I had planned on getting two assignments done while at work cause I figured I would not have much actual work to do.  Well I was right about the work party but I couldn't focus on the assignments either.  But towards the end of the day I did get most of one done.  So it was a small step.  Not my plan but a step.  Big hug sometimes a step is all I have.

[Blueberry]

I still can't do any art. I meant to today, but my stomach did a turn when I thought about opening up photoshop to get started. Instantly drained of all energy.
I'm not depressed, and I'm not in an art block. I just.. I can't explain it.

Sounds very familiar - the energy draining away instantly at the mere thought of doing something specific. When that happens to me I now know there's some trauma thing behind it - there's a reason for my energy disappearing like that. It's the same for me when I can't explain something.

At the same time.. I'm struggling with marketing.
I re-did my website, and I uploaded my shop finally. But no action.

I really struggle with marketing too, in fact I'm only just beginning to do it. It's advertising rather than marketing pure but - I've finally got window decals with my business name etc in my windows. It's been about 2 weeks now. No new clients yet. Logically I know it's too early to expect any but I still felt disappointed about it a few days ago, so I really understand your "But no action." comment. I'll keep my fingers crossed that we both get some clients/customers soon!  

I know I haven't responded to you for a while but I sometimes read your Journal a bit. I think you're doing great! I see and hear progress. 

[Sceal]

San: I am trying to be patient with the marketing. And reminding myself I know nothing about it, and I'm just learning by doing bit by bit. And hopefully, one day, these little bits will turn into something substantial.

Tee:You're right. I have many of those days these days. Planning on doing something, and then it not getting done. And you're right, sometimes a small step is a big step!

Blueberry:
I keep forgetting that there might be some trauma responce behind it. But that makes sense. When I don't see a direct corrolation, I end up thiking I need to be stronger than this, wt"# is wrong with me?

Congratulations on getting it up in the window. It's hard the marketing, it's like putting yourself on display, even more than you already are doing with your work. I think even for normal (non-trauma people) this is difficult unless they are wired for wanting extra attention.

And I did grow a little today.
I had my conversation with Mr T. He is a nice sounding board, and I left it feeling like "okay I can do this". I called my new boss and asked her if she had time to meet today? She said yes, so I went to work, despite it not being my day, and sat down with her and told her that I need more predictability, stability and a sense of accomplishment if I am to continue to be on this project. That I feel I'm being invalidated too often, and I know that this time around it's been very chaotic because things were so last minute, and also because of covid19 restrictions. But that it's now affected my health, and I need some changes to happen otherwise I need to step down.
First of all.. I'm so proud of myself that I did it. I didn't forget any of the things I meant to say, I didn't stumble too much, I didn't sound like a petulent child (or at least I think, although I felt like I looked like one at the end - body language wise), I don't think I was whiny. I came with new ideas, and thoughts. And she said she's having a meeting with another department tomorrow to get some clarification for certain things. But after that the people in this project group can come together for a meeting and find a proper solution moving forward. Getting some organizing in.
I hope that this is a step in the right direction.  I'm really hopeful that it'll be a positive change. Something that all parties will be able to keep working on.

Second I am proud that i decided to not waste any more time about worrying about it, and just went ahead.

[Snowdrop]

Gosh. You did brilliantly, Sceal. Well done.

[Not Alone]

First of all.. I'm so proud of myself that I did it. I didn't forget any of the things I meant to say, I didn't stumble too much, I didn't sound like a petulent child (or at least I think, although I felt like I looked like one at the end - body language wise), I don't think I was whiny. I came with new ideas, and thoughts.

Second I am proud that i decided to not waste any more time about worrying about it, and just went ahead.

Good for you, Sceal! 

[Sceal]

Thank you all

unfortunatedly.. my relief didn't last very long.
Being at work itself was okay. But I was told by my wellfare people in my country I'd be getting an answer today about my financial future. I called them as I hadn't heard anything, the lady on the phone told me that I shouldn't have been told a definitive date. Because no one knows when. I've been waiting since the end of march for them to deal with my application. If I get it through.
This uncertainty.. It's driving me insane. I broke down at work, and I just left without saying anything.
And I've been eating. and eating. and eating.
Trying to numb. I am now numb. And I still want to eat. but I feel guilty for the eating.

[sanmagic7]

o my dear sceal, i can so relate. i'm going thru something similar, waiting to hear about our house, if we're even going to be able to continue living here in 6 mos. the waiting for these kinds of things is so stressful, and by the sound of it (the eating) that's what you're feeling as well.  i tend to eat during these times, too, and it's horrible.  want to stop, can't stop, hate that i can't stop, reach for another something to put in my mouth.  it's just awful!

sitting with you, by your side.  we'll get thru this together.  maybe we can play some cards or a board game to distract us and have some fun at the same time.  i can picture us in my head - it's a calming picture.  love and a hug filled w/ a de-stresser.   

(by the by, i think you did brilliantly in speaking up for yourself at work.  well done! ).

[Blueberry]

I keep forgetting that there might be some trauma responce behind it. But that makes sense. When I don't see a direct corrolation, I end up thiking I need to be stronger than this, wt"# is wrong with me?

Maybe I'll come and remind you about trauma response some other time then    There's nothing wrong with you whatsoever. It's trauma. Which you didn't cause. 

Congratulations on getting it up in the window. It's hard the marketing, it's like putting yourself on display, even more than you already are doing with your work.

Thank you for validating! I particularly like the way you expressed the underlined bit. That's what it comes down to for me. I have had this office for about 10 years now and this is the first time I've had professional signage in my window. But I guess it feels that way for you too - putting yourself on display.

I am proud that i decided to not waste any more time about worrying about it, and just went ahead.

You are right to feel proud
You helped me too - I finally send a reminder to my ll about one thing and have finally written a draft of a more difficult issue I have to address with him. I felt inspired by your "not waste any more time worrying". So thank you.

And I did grow a little today.
I had my conversation with Mr T. He is a nice sounding board, and I left it feeling like "okay I can do this". I called my new boss and asked her if she had time to meet today? She said yes, so I went to work, despite it not being my day, and sat down with her and told her that I need more predictability, stability and a sense of accomplishment if I am to continue to be on this project. That I feel I'm being invalidated too often, and I know that this time around it's been very chaotic because things were so last minute, and also because of covid19 restrictions. But that it's now affected my health, and I need some changes to happen otherwise I need to step down.
First of all.. I'm so proud of myself that I did it. I didn't forget any of the things I meant to say, I didn't stumble too much, I didn't sound like a petulent child (or at least I think, although I felt like I looked like one at the end - body language wise), I don't think I was whiny. I came with new ideas, and thoughts. And she said she's having a meeting with another department tomorrow to get some clarification for certain things. But after that the people in this project group can come together for a meeting and find a proper solution moving forward. Getting some organizing in.
I hope that this is a step in the right direction.  I'm really hopeful that it'll be a positive change. Something that all parties will be able to keep working on.

You did really well!! Sounds like a huge step to me and really brave too. Congratulations on not forgetting anything you wanted to say! That alone tells me you went as your Adult and not as an Inner Child. I hope it'll bring a positive change for you and the whole project group too! 

[Blueberry]

This uncertainty.. It's driving me insane. I broke down at work, and I just left without saying anything.
And I've been eating. and eating. and eating.
Trying to numb. I am now numb. And I still want to eat. but I feel guilty for the eating.

I understand that too, I can really relate. Things like that are so stressful. And you've been waiting since March... That's such a long time to be in limbo about financial security. I also over-eat or eat unhealthy things as soon as the going gets tough. I'm sending you care