Sceal's journey

Tee · December 20, 2020, 03:24:59 PM

Sceal I'm glad your head is above water that's a big step. I've never tried a dating app. I'd be scared too. So good luck and I'm sure it takes time to figure out.

I hope you have some time to get your get under you without any further knockdowns. That would be great. Thinking of you and sending a big hug of love and encouragement

Sceal · December 20, 2020, 06:54:41 PM

Thinking of you too, Tee!

I've been practising being on the app all year. Just looking and not doing anything else. Some of my friends got 5-7 dates the first week.
I wouldn't have handled that. and there's plenty of stories of how creepy it can get.
I dunno, I guess I just want to feel wanted? Interesting? relevant?

Tee · December 21, 2020, 07:26:57 PM

I don't think I could do online dating if I was single again.

Sceal · December 21, 2020, 08:37:46 PM

I've been single for 5 years.
.
Today is not a good day.

Tee · December 21, 2020, 11:26:05 PM

sending love Sceal

. I'm not having a great day either but I hope tomorrow will be better.

Sceal · December 29, 2020, 09:40:56 PM

Christmas was okay, it was calm and quiet. Just me and the folks.
I've been selfish though. I've only thought of myself. I haven't thought about my ex at all. I try not to think much about him, because I feel so terribly guilty and so full of shame.

In two months it's been a year since I moved away from him. Even though it was over 5 years ago. I don't know how his year has been, but I don't think it's been very good. The start of the year was horrendous for him. It really was. He was sick (not covid), he was forced to move, he was on leave from the job due to covid19, with huge financial issues. He moved into a shared house, and I don't think he socializes at all with the other people. And I sincerely doubt he got to visit his family during Christmas, which means he hasn't seen them for a year. And he's been all alone. I don't think any of his friends have invited him over, I don't think they think that far.
And my heart just breaks for him.
I know. I KNOW that he's not my responsibility, that he never was my responsibility. But.. The shame, the guilt, the feeling that I left him stranded doesn't leave me. I know he is an adult man, who should be capable of making his own desicions. I hope that he will make some good desicions for himself, that he will get treated for his depression. But... I don't think he will. I think his shame is so far gone, that he doesn't dare to. I think it controls him so deeply.

I just wish he, and other people in his situation would get some relief. Would get a reason to smile.
I wish he will find himself a new girl. One that's good for him, and he for her. I know I broke him, just as he broke me too. Although, I was already broken. The way I treated him is my biggest regret, along with not calling my Grandma the night before she died because "it's a little late, I'll call her tomorrow"

Not Alone · December 29, 2020, 09:52:02 PM

Sceal, I recall the emotional turmoil that you went through when you were making the decision to move away from ex. Without minimizing your feelings of guilt and shame, I do want to affirm you for making and keeping with the difficult and healthy decision to leave.

Sceal · December 29, 2020, 10:55:06 PM

Thank you Notalone. It's good to get that as an affirmation, validating that it was the right choice. I need that too. Thank you.

Tee · December 30, 2020, 04:14:36 AM

I agree with notalone. Keep putting on foot in front of the other Sceal. We are here for you. Love and support.

Blueberry · December 30, 2020, 08:49:49 AM

Sceal · January 02, 2021, 03:02:37 PM

Thank you everyone!

I was celebrating NY with some new friends at the family cabin. And I think I might have overshared a little bit too much. Because I'm wrecked with anxiety. Ironically I'm not overthinking what I've said, or if I've said too much. No, no instead my panic is more "Did I turn off the coffee machine? Did I unplug it? Yes, yes I did. *, what about the stove? Did we turn it off? Is it still on? Will I be the reason why the cabin burn down?" And I can't seem to let it go. I got home yesterday and I fell asleep listening to soothing music and taking an anxiety medication, because I couldn't shake it. And I still can't today.

I am trying my best to breathe, to do the things I can control. I went for a hike, it was cold. But it was alright. I could have been sitting still all day, but instead I went for the hike. I did a tiny-tiny bit towards my business. But then I panicked. What if I get successful? Sh8t. I don't know what to do if that happens.
How ridiculous is even that? I think I might have to actually take another calming medication, because this is ridiculous.

Hope67 · January 02, 2021, 03:26:11 PM

Hi Sceal,

Sending you a hug

and just wanted to say that I hope that you feel calmer as time goes on. It's good that you had a hike, despite the cold weather.

Sending you love and support too.

Hope

Tee · January 03, 2021, 05:54:01 AM

I'm glad you were able to share some of your Stout? I hope the response was good for the most part. I'm sure you got everything done? And remember that you are only part of the team closing down the cabin. Big hugs.

Sceal · January 03, 2021, 10:40:18 PM

Thank you, Hope. It was a lovely walk. It's predicted it'll be cold here for a while. Which is okay, as long as it doesn't rain.

Thank you, Tee. But they were my guests at my parents cabin. The responsibility lies with me.

I occasionally get these panic attacks when I leave the house too. "Did I leave the coffee machine on? Will it start a fire?"

These thoughts are so strong. I don't get why. I haven't felt this strong panic attacks for months. What's going on? I can't breathe now. I thought writing would help but it's not..

Sceal · January 04, 2021, 05:18:12 AM

Woke up in panic too. First in the middle of the night, and then super early morning.
I can't get it out of my head. I think after all my meetings and things have done today I'm going to ask to borrow the car to drive around to think a bit. Which will be code for driving to the cabin to check.
My logical brain thinks everything would be fine. If it had burnt down by now, then we'd know. And then my emotional brain goes like "but what if it is about to burn down?!" And panic rises again.
Deep breath in, deep breath out.

I had a lucid thought this morning. That perhaps this panic comes from not feeling in control over my own life? Like I feel I have to ask for permission for everything, -i'm at the mercy of people allowing me to do things. Although this isn't something I feel conciously, I wonder... maybe that is what is causing all of these. I feel observed, and I feel people have the need to know where I am at any given time, and I have to notify people where I go, if I go somewhere. How long I'll be gone and whatnot. I live in a peaceful country, it isn't a safety measure to let people know where you go.

But maybe... Maybe I just need to take more control. I need to just go out of the house sometimes. Problem is... there's no where to go. It's too cold to just roam the streets, well.. not too cold. But I don't like being cold, so it'd be unpleasant. And boring. Most things are locked down. Besides I don't want to spend more money... I don't want to go to a café just to be anywhere else. I don't really know what I want tbh. But I need to take charge a little more. Maybe that will help.