Sceal's journey

[Sceal]

Thank you Alter Ego!
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I wanted to come here and tell you about the guy I have a crush on. But instead, I need to talk about the fact I'm jealous. I haven't been properly jealous in such a long time I didn't really think it was part of my personality anymore. But I am jealous. I have a crush on a man that's outside my reach, and we've been talking a lot lately, not about important stuff or anything. Just chit-chatting.  I don't even know why I care. It's not like this guy asks me about me. so why do I even care? I don't know. I've been dreaming of being able to kiss him. I haven't been wanted to be kissed by anyone. A.n.y.o.n.e for years. Years. Maybe that's why I care. Because I've been daydreaming about him.

I am trying to let go. It's not like I have a reason to be jealous. I guess it's just triggering my feeling of being left behind. Logically speaking, I am being incredible stupid right now. But I am trying to let him go - because this hurt. This is interfering with my regular life that I really need to break down and focus properly on. I have a few really important deadlines. And I really need to focus on that. and I am trying so hard right now to use this frustration and annoyance and energy into productive energy.

I'm trying...

[Alter-eg0]

Sceal, since when do we need a reason to feel anything?   
As much as it sucks to feel jealous and all that....you're human and you're feeling!
Ironically, trying to make that go away, or telling yourself that you should't feel it, won't make it go away.
Your feelings make sense. Be compassionate towards yourself and your feelings, you're allowed to feel whatever you feel. However inconventiant

Take care!

[Blueberry]

The last few weeks I have been in growing pains. Emotional growth, the processes are still being.. well, processed. I am still figuring out things. But I don't really want to, i want to be comfortable without having to grow right now. Because to me, growing right now looks like I have to be the better person. I have to take into the account of why other people behave the way they do. Maybe they are having a bad day, and their behavior is due to that. Or they are going stir crazy due to covid-19, or something else more long term than 'just a bad day' is bothering them. I have to see things from their perspective then, but the thing that happens then. Is that perhaps I become a better person for it. In other people's eyes. But what really happens, what actually happens is that I vanish. My voice has less meaning, because someone else's bad day trumps mine. Because their stir crazy is more important to take into account than my stir crazy.

I vanish. I stop learning to get to know myself, because I have to appraise other people and meet their needs.

I haven't said this aloud to anyone yet, but here goes. (And right now I don't care if I sound petty): what about my needs? When can someone see me? When can someone take my needs, or my bad day into account? When can I be excused? Or when can I be picked up and asked how am I really doing? And not the kind of question that they don't want the answer too. But the kind of honest, vulnerable and curious question about how I am doing. Wanting to know all about the things that goes through my head, listening to my fears, my worries, my stress. My curiosity, hope, determination. My quest. Just... I want to be seen. I want to feel seen. I want to have that connection in person. Not online. I want someone to want to come over and watch stupid shows hours after hours... Because we are so tired we can't be added to do anything else.
It doesn't have to be a partner. It could just be a really good friend.

I just want to be seen. For a while. To give me room to see myself..so that i can be safer in who I am. So that I can have energy, patience and care for everyone else who has a bad day.

Only reading this just now. It makes so much sense Sceal! I see you and I hear you. I know you want to be seen IRL, not just online. I can't give you that, I'm sorry.

I don't think it's petty at all to say "What about my needs?"

As for your recent post, feelings don't follow logic. People seem to think they should, but they don't. I'm struggling with that atm. I think a friend is expecting me to just get over something that my feelings can't just get over, so I'm going with my feelings. I often have trouble accepting my feelings, but the best way is to try and accept them. My T always says it's OK to feel whatever you feel, it's what you do with it that counts. Hope that helps a little.

I accept you the way you are with all your feelings. Try and be kind to yourself.

[Tee]

  sceal I hear you sceal it so hard to put others first when you need to be seen.  I hope you find a friend IRL to hang out with and chat with to be seen and known it is so important to make that connection.

Having a crush is not bad thing either, you should go for it and ask him to hang out.  Being jealous just means you put your feelings into the relationship that's not bad.  If I were you I'd confine the friendship and ask to hangout sometime.  See where it goes. you never know what might happen if you put yourself out there.  Big hug of support I see you.

[sanmagic7]

oh my dear sweet sceal, not incredibly stupid at all!  sorry i've been away so long, but glad to be back, at least for today.

we have so many different parts of us, experiences, memories, that i don't doubt one or some of them is triggering this feeling of jealousy.  i've always heard jealousy comes from insecurity, and most of us have grappled with feeling insecure because of what's happened in our past.  i'm not normally jealous, either, yet it's come up at times when i didn't expect it.  but, i don't see anything you're talking about being connected to stupid.  not for a minute.

you are seen and heard here.  i wish it were so for you in reality as well.  it's a terrible feeling - i've been on that invisibility scale several times, and it's been hurtful and confusing to me.  sending all best wishes, always.  love and hugs