Sceal's journey

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #60 on: September 16, 2020, 10:11:44 PM »
I need to write this down.
I will need reminders of this. Because it is incredible hard.

I was chatting with a friend from abroad. And she was talking about how hard it is to find honest people. People who aren't two-faced. Who will stab you in the back the second they get a chance.

And I realised something that's is going on inside of me.
I am slowly learning, and practicing, to put "the blame" where it is meant to be put.

If someone doesn't like me - well okay, they don't have to. It doesn't mean I am a bad person.
If someone snaps or yells at me at work for a mistake or misunderstanding : that doesn't mean I am a mistake or a terrible person. Heck, it might not even be *my* fault.
If someone isn't impressed with my progress: well, that is on them. They set a certain amount of expectations on me without including me in the process. I know I am working hard. I know I am getting progress. This is my life, my journey - not theirs. And I am no longer interested in trying to compete with them.
If someone things I am slacking; that is on them. I know when I am and when I am not. Also, I am not a machine - slacking is occasionally necessary.

My point is: I am aiming to no longer take responsibility for other people's behaviour, thoughts or opinions. Not even their feelings.
I am responsible for my reactions, my feelings, my boundaries and my behaviour. I will mess up, I will default to not setting boundaries.
I will forget I ever wrote all of this.

But... I will also learn. And I do not intend to give up.

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Blueberry

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #61 on: September 16, 2020, 10:19:51 PM »
If someone doesn't like me - well okay, they don't have to. It doesn't mean I am a bad person.
If someone snaps or yells at me at work for a mistake or misunderstanding : that doesn't mean I am a mistake or a terrible person. Heck, it might not even be *my* fault.
If someone isn't impressed with my progress: well, that is on them.
Way to go Sceal, that's huge!
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
I will forget I ever wrote all of this.
Maybe some of your friends on here will gently remind you ;)

But... I will also learn. And I do not intend to give up.
:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #62 on: September 18, 2020, 09:25:10 AM »
Thank you blueberry.
I am trying to remind myself of this everyday.it is hard, but hopefully if I imprint it enough in my brain it'll stick?

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Hope67

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #63 on: September 18, 2020, 12:16:02 PM »

My point is: I am aiming to no longer take responsibility for other people's behaviour, thoughts or opinions. Not even their feelings.
I am responsible for my reactions, my feelings, my boundaries and my behaviour. I will mess up, I will default to not setting boundaries.
I will forget I ever wrote all of this.

But... I will also learn. And I do not intend to give up.

Hi Sceal,
I also think it is huge that you have made this point - it is really well said.   :cheer:
Hope  :)

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #64 on: September 19, 2020, 08:54:50 AM »
Thank you, Hope!

I feel there's a shift going on. And to be honest, I am fairly certain it has everything to do with starting kickboxing. I'm still new at it, I am still clumsy, but I'm learning things - and I'm gaining control over my body. And I can both visually see and feel a difference. It's so pleasing when I get super confused and have no idea how to do a move, and I try and try and just feel like bambi on ice, then a week or two later I suddenly know how to do it better.
I'm still fairly weak physically, I'm still clumsy. But I've pushed so hard the last few weeks and months on this, and it is really showing. The strangest part still is that I'm having so much fun doing it. It's really odd.
Everything else has taken a back-seat. Well, except for art that is.

Yesterday I had to send a message to a friend that I need to step out from his game. I feel bad about it, because it feels indulgent. It feels indulgent, because the reason I'm stepping out of his game is so that I can continue doing kickboxing monday to thursday. I don't want to compromise on my past time anymore. But I feel doubly bad, because I'm the one who convinced him to run a game, and I think he partially started it up for me - and now I'm quitting after just a few sessions. I do have fun, but I don't want to feel guilty about being late because I'm at the gym, or feeling guilty because I'm playing instead of working out. Or feel guilty that I'd much rather be sweating like a pig rather than sitting still in-front of a computer. It's too stressful trying to make it work. The other people in the group can't play on week-ends, so then I think it's best I step out. Although I feel * about letting him know late last night, and we're supposed to play on Monday. He hasn't replied to me yet, and I am nervous about it.
I feel I've started a conflict, even though I know I haven't. It should be perfectly okay for me to say no to a past time activity. When we started everything was on lockdown and it seemed like we had all the time in the world. But then things started changing on my end, and I don't have all the time in the world.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #65 on: September 19, 2020, 04:32:43 PM »
sceal, i think one of the most important and sanity-saving things we can do is learn to put the blame, shame, guilt where it belongs.  i agree, this is huge.  maybe using different parts of your body in different ways has helped loosen that up for you.  i give you so much credit!  what a fighter you are, in more than one aspect of that dynamic.   :applause:

so happy for you! :hug:

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #66 on: September 20, 2020, 07:59:38 AM »
Thank you, San!

I was at a bachelorettes party this weekend, for a woman I have known most of my life. I think she rocks, I realised something though. I really do not fit in with her crowd. Or big part of them.
I get body locked, and I could feel my body stiffen and my self consciousness rising up. I don't really know why.
I just felt the complete opposite of comfortable in my own skin. I wasn't able to join in on the laughs organically. My serious side really kicked in. I wasn't a party downer, but my stress levels went sky-rocketing.
I got a few flashbacks later in the evening too.
Writing all of this makes it sound as if I had a bad time, I didn't as a whole.
But I did notice that I aren't comfortable.
I don't know what it is that puts me in that frame of being though. We don't have any bad history either.
I just didn't feel like me.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #67 on: September 20, 2020, 06:40:17 PM »
I've been feeling exhausted, nauseous, and achy all day. I've also not really wanted to be doing anything.
It took me a while.
But I think I know why. Despite the poor sleep.
It's because of the massive amount of socialization yesterday, and feeling like I didn't fit in properly. That I was stuck in some other body.
And it dawned on me.
I'm exhausted, and feeling *, and doesn't feel like this body belongs to me.. Because I'm stuck in a flashback.


**Trigger warning: SA**

We went to a jaccuzzi last night. I knew I didn't like them, but I'd forgotten why. I had literally forgotten why I hate them. And when we were in it, it was lovely. It was a beautiful sunset, good company, it was relaxing my sore muscles from my workouts.
It wasn't until a lot later, hours later actually, when someone else was talking about her bachelorette's party: and how her friends made her do stuff she really didn't want to and was anxiety filled. And I said out loud that wouldn't have been okay with me. I would have uninvited them to the wedding if they pushed my boundaries too far.
And it just came flooding back to me. The last time I was R*. It was a get-away week-end too. And booze and jaccuzzi was involved. I was terrified that whole week-end, I didn't really understand why I was so scared. I am not fully certain I understood I was scared either. If I were to guess today, I was dissociating in and out a lot. I drank. copious amounts. I didn't know how I was going to get through the night if I didn't. I knew he wouldn't listen, and maybe if I didn't remember then... it wouldn't be so bad?  Problem is.. the body remembers. And part of me remembers. Not in detail. I remember the hands under the bubbles in the jaccuzzi with the others in it. I remember being followed. I remember being served more and more drinks. I remember walking naked through the forest. And I remember waking up the next morning with the biggest bump on my head that I've ever had - without ANY recollection of what had happened. I kept asking people what had happened last night. I couldn't remember. and X came over to me in the end whispering to me that he and I had gone to the forest, and to stop asking questions. X's wife was there too. to me she was a threat as well, equally as dangerous as him - just in a different way.


** end of trigger warning*

So.. it's no wonder that today all I really, kind of want is a safe hug. But there's no one safe to actually hug me.
And there's a new guy at the gym that makes me nervous. I hope he wont be there tomorrow. I need to get this out of the system.
But I can't. I don't know how. I feel very alone.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #68 on: September 21, 2020, 02:50:42 AM »
here's a safe virtual hug for you, sceal. much love :hug:

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #69 on: September 22, 2020, 09:17:54 PM »
Thank you San.

Right now, I am struggling.
I noticed today I have swollen lymph nodes. I found out by accident. I was adjusting my scarf because I was cold and accidentally bumped into my lymph nodes in my throat, and they were quite tender. My ears have been bothering me for over a week now.
Not greatly, but enough to be noticed as a nuisance.
I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday.  But I am impatient.
I want to know if I can still go to the gym, or if I need to take a break.

I am meeting some old colleagues tomorrow for dinner, maybe I can message them and ask if I can pop by their work and take a crp test before we head out to dinner. A doctor friend said I should be careful pushing too hard on workouts if I got an infection that the lymph nodes are working on as it can be sent to the heart. In worst case scenario.
So I am freaking out.

I really don't want to miss a workout.
I kind of want to work out twice a day if I am honest. To try and maximise my progress. I want to be seen, to be validated.

I want to get good. I want to feel good. To feel strong.

But right now.
All I feel is: shame and weakness.
Shame because my body is fat. I'm not skinny and fit - so I worry they don't take me seriously.

Weak because I can't seem to push myself harder at the gym.
I give up too soon.

I don't know if I am having any good progression or not. I'm not really getting any feedback. And I don't know how to ask for it.

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Hope67

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #70 on: September 23, 2020, 10:01:06 AM »
Hi Sceal,
I am also sending you a virtual hug, which is safe and hopefully supportive  :hug:  At least you have your doctor's appointment tomorrow. 
Hope  :)

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #71 on: September 29, 2020, 09:15:03 PM »
Yesterday was really good. I had good progression at work, and I had did really well at the gym. And I felt amazing after the gym.

Today I couldn't get out of bed. Not really. I finally got dressed around 1. Because I needed to pick up a package. Turns out I have to send it in return.
I ate loads of crap today.  I wanted to stay in bed. I didn't want to work, so I didn't. I wanted to just sleep. But I knew if I did, I'd just stay up all night tonight, and I got to be up early for an appointment.
I went to the gym today. The beginning was good. Chatting away with some people. It felt nice, friendly. Normal. The instructor told me and another gal that if there'll be more and more newbies coming in then she and I might have to wait out - because we're ahead of them, and slightly more advanced I guess.
At the time it felt good. Like we are doing better, we have progression.
But now that I'm home, I feel insecure.
Like I am being pushed aside a little.
I also feel dissapointed in myself. I'm not doing well enough. I'm not able to push harder. I'm not impressive.
and I hate that I crave their validation.
I hate that I crave his validation, his attention.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #72 on: September 29, 2020, 09:23:43 PM »
 :hug:

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Tee

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #73 on: September 30, 2020, 04:48:49 AM »
 :hug:sceal big hug I'm glad you had a good day yesterday.  Give yourself a break.  You got up and went to the gym.  That's way more than I was able to do today.  Been thinking of you sorry I haven't been around. I've been really low. :hug:

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #74 on: September 30, 2020, 07:02:04 PM »
Hugs to you both!

I don't know what's going on.
I have structure on my life now. I have gym Monday-Thursday. I have work at the workplace 2 times a week. I have a social life.
I have a class once a week with a bunch of homework for that keeps me busy.

I haven't had this steady, positive structure in my life for years.

So why am I nauseous, why am I spacing out and dissociating? Why can't I concentrate? Why do I feel so vulnerable and so alone.
Why do I feel so utterly inadequate?