Sceal's journey

Started by Sceal, July 24, 2020, 10:39:36 PM

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sanmagic7


Tee

 :hug: Sceal my friend I'm sorry I haven't been on the last couple of days. I've been working and trying to stay present through the pain I'm in from the car accident. 
Taking naps helps your mind rest. It's perfectly normal to need to rest when you are facing your inner demons even if you are running from them.  Allow yourself to process and go deeper pay the at if you need to who knows maybe in doing so it will help you be able to do your art once again.  I'm here if you need to talk big understanding hug :hug:

Sceal

Thank you San and Tee.  :hug:

I woke up at 6 this morning. Cleaned part of the kitchen and spent nearly 2 hours baking crisp bread. They didn't succeed perfectly, but we'll enough to eat.
I had a nap with the dogs on me. I did some cleaning of the floor and i put on laundry.
I went upstairs once my parents came back.

I just walked back down to.. I don't really know. I was met with I am walking too quietly and I was supposed to clean the kitchen..
I am defeated.
I can't go anywhere, because I have no where to go and no money to spend. I also have zero energy.
I picked up my bag and just went back upstairs again.

It's stupid. I should be able to withstand this. To laugh it off. But I am not, all I feel is that I am in the way. I am wrong. I am not good enough.
I know it's just emotions and thoughts and that doesn't mean it is true.
But they are overpowering any sense of logic. My defences are gone. I'm too exhausted.

sanmagic7

dear sweet sceal, if i may disagree with you, i don't think you 'should' be able to do anything like that.  you've been hit hard from many sides in the past few months, and i believe you may still be grieving.  there is no 'should' to how we can expect ourselves to react or respond.  whatever comes up, that's just how we are at the moment.  you'll get there, i don't doubt that, to where you want to be.  it just might take more time than you anticipated.

in the meantime, i'm here, we're here, we've got you.  i hope you can get all the rest you need.  love and hugs :hug:

Sceal

Thank you San, I know that the word "should" is dangerous for us with cptsd. That it comes up way to often and it might have a more impact on us than if we weren't struggling with cptsd. Or, well, I don't actually know since I haven't experienced it.

Eitheway, I had a break and sucked it up. Then I went back downstairs again and cleaned up the rest. I don't know if it was appreciated or not. It wasn't commented on. So it wasn't bad at the very least.

We all went to the vet today to the check up. I nearly started crying. I know everyone saw i was struggling. But I don't care. They let me choose a day for putting him down.  There and then I felt it was considerate, so that I could be there. But now everytime I think about it, it makes me feel like I am the executioner.

I somehow managed to go do my mma..it felt good.. but I am wrecked now.

sanmagic7


marta1234

 :hug: sending you so much support Sceal, I’m sorry you’re going through this. But I know you’ll get through this.

Hope67

Dear Sceal,
I wish I could find the right words - but there don't seem to be any adequate ones that I can find, so I'd like to send you a heartfelt hug  :hug:  I am sorry you're going through this. 
Hope  :)

Tee


Three Roses

So sorry to hear this. Even though it may be the most compassionate thing to do in a situation, it doesn't ease the grief to know that. Sending as much virtual support as possible.  :hug:

Sceal

Thank you all.

I am spending as much time as I can with my dog. Taking him places so he can sit in the car, and feel like he's coming along to trips ( he loves riding cars) and let him sniff new places, or places he hasn't been to in forever. Give him loads of treats and cuddles. He loves the sun, so he's been lying in that most of the day.
I have work to do, and I need to occupy my mind with other things - so I can't be with him ALL the time. But then I feel guilty and I go down and pet and cuddle him. He's so used to it now that he keeps barking to get my attention. It's driving my parents nuts in the morning, because he wakes them up at 6.

I watched a youtube video today about the trump administration and covid19 situation and the reactions people from around the world had to some of the claims and statistics that's come out of the US. I knew it was bad, I didn't know HOW bad it was. I still think I don't quite know how bad it actually is.
It makes me feel so many things. Im so sad for them, how are they to re-gain their lives after this? How are they to re-build their lives - when their government is literally working AGAINST the people?

Tee

 :hug: I'm glad you are able to spend some more time with your dog. Dogs are good therapy. :hug:
Yeah I just found out that both of my kids will be starting the school year online schooling this year.😔😢 They both miss their friends and teachers.  :Idunno: I'm not sure this is going to work.  :no:

Not Alone

So sorry you are going through this with your dog. So painful.  :hug:

Sceal

1 week and 1 hour left...

Snowdrop