Sceal's journey

[marta1234]

  sending you much love Sceal. I'm sorry you're going through this

[Sceal]

Thank you snowdrop and Martha.

I lost my temper today. The younger dog wouldn't stop barking. I am also feeling like I suck at art and that all I am doing is wrong.

I don't get anyone interested in striking up a conversation, people aren't interested in buying my art or commissioning me or interacting with me on social media when I comment on their art or they rarely comment on things I put out.  It hurts. Art is the only thing I got left. I need it to work... But I can't seem to o figure out how to make it work.

Surely someone would be interested in the kind of theme I do.. how do I find them

[Bach]

Sceal, I've just caught up on your thread and wanted to send you a hug   

[Tee]

  hugs I am sure you will find your way stay strong!

[Sceal]

I am sitting on the floor, next to the dog. He got anxious because I started bawling. I am not usually much of a crier. but the last few days have been hard.
I really don't want to lose him. But this is *. Waiting for the days until Friday, when he is no more.
I know he is tired. He loves the sun, but the last few days have been to warm for him.

I took my first anxiety medication today. First one this year.
Again I just feel like I am drowning.

I did a thing with my art, opened up a place so people have the possibility to donate some small euro for me if they like what I do. Another friend did it earlier in the day and some of our mutual friends congratulated her! But nothing... Nothing for me. I am not really surprised, but... That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I know they aren't my audience target, but... They are supposed to be friends? They asked me if I could comment more on their posts and share their things. Which I happily do, but.. nothing in return.

I don't have a lot of art folks I talk to these days. And asking people to share feels awkward and... Degrading. Like I am begging for it, or forcing them to do something they don't like. Maybe they just don't like my art.

I don't know anymore.

[Sceal]

2 more days.
Barely that.
I am grieving. I don't know how to express it. I just clamp up. It hurts. I want to numb. I want to not care about things.

But I care. I care so much.

And I keep fighting. Sometimes it feels like I have a quiet war with everyone.
A war they don't know about.
I want to be seen, and it feels like people think they know me because they have known me for so long and take things for granted.
But I still don't know who I am and they deciding for me is making me drown on the inside.
It makes me feel like I don't have anyone I can talk to.
I feel so alone.
And now I am losing a creature that has loved me and taken me for whatever and whoever I am and just loved he'd me. I am going to miss him so much.

[Not Alone]

Sceal, I hurt for all the pain you are experiencing.

[Sceal]

He is gone.

[Snowdrop]

I am so, so sorry.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I am so sorry.  Sending you a gentle hug, if that's ok. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

so very sorry, sweet sceal.  i've had a similar experience, and it was gut-wrenching. like my best friend was being taken away.

[Blueberry]

I'm so sorry Sceal I know that pain. As san says, it's gut-wrenching.

[Bach]

Oh, Sceal   I mourn for the loss of your beloved friend 

[Sceal]

Thank you everyone.

Yesterday was.. there's no words.
[TW: death]

I still see his lifeless little body on the table, I was stroking his fur when they put him down. I hope he knew I was there. The entire family was there.
I feel sick. Like I can't really gather the strength in my body. Like this body isn't mine.
I fell asleep early last night, I slept for about 12 hours, so my body hurts. I can't muster energy to do anything. Nothing really matters. Every time I go downstairs I look for him. Or I keep listening to hear if he's barking for me. Or following me around. But he's not. And he never will again.
The other dog is restless. I know she can feel our grief, and I know she's confused looking for her bestie. I hope she wont be too sad. I hope she'll be okay.

I'm nauseous and dizzy.
I know this is grief.
I don't know how to make the day pass by.
Nothing matters. I really don't care about anything. About art, about working out, about reading.

[sanmagic7]

please, sceal, take your time with this, ok?  patience and kindness coming your way in a hug also filled with lots of love and caring.