Sceal's journey

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Hope67

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #45 on: August 31, 2020, 02:54:42 PM »
Hi Sceal, I am thinking of you.  Sending you a hug filled with care and love too  :hug:
Hope  :)

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #46 on: August 31, 2020, 08:49:37 PM »
Thank you everyone, for your continued support and warm good thoughts being sent my way.

It has been a moment, or it feels like that since I've been in here.

I detached my emotion, my grief from myself. I still am. I eat more than I should, (not drastically, but still) and I avoid.

I am having a bad gut feeling about people. There's a friend (?) who I feel keep lording things over me, yet at the same time she praises my art, it's very confusing. And it's resulting in me talking less and less with her in private. I don't know if I should just phase her out entirely, or just wait and see. Maybe I'm overreacting. It's scary when it's art friends, because if I blow up in their faces and they spread rumours about me being difficult to work with then that will be it art-career wise.

My supervisor at work snapped at me the other day for "being too thorough", I am very confused about this too. I didn't know that being thorough was a bad thing, but she definitively thought I was being annoying or ridiculous. There was no smile or humour in her behaviour as she usually is. I can't make it out if she's annoyed at me, or if she dislikes me, or if she got something going on at her own end. I also have no idea what to do about this.
I don't dare to tell her how I feel. Because that would be creating a conflict, and I don't a) want an open conflict and b) I don't want to be "that difficult person to work with"

In both of these cases, although I am not super upset - I think that at the core of me those situations make me angry. Not really being able to access anger very clearly, I tend not to understand when I am actually angry unless I explode. Which tends to confuse everyone, as it tends to appear out of nowhere (to them). But also, I can't seem to let go of it.
I have work in the morning, and I dread going in. Despite my supervisor not being there this week.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #47 on: August 31, 2020, 09:34:44 PM »
standing at your side, sceal.  love and hugs :hug:

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #48 on: September 04, 2020, 06:54:58 AM »
Thank you San! <3

I jumped into working out. Last week I had 4 hours with intense HIT workout divided on two days. This week I got 5 hours.
I'm clumsy, not very well balanced. But I've noticed that if I eat better before the workouts I have less of a brain fog.
I still struggle with connecting to my body properly again. But I think it's getting closer.
The gallery was asking me yesterday if I was going to come to the opening night, and I asked what time it is, and I said I might not make it because I got my workout, they weren't very well pleased with me. But I realised later on that It's not going to be a conflict.
I find this interesting because it tells me a little bit more about what my priority is right now: It's me.
I've got a disagreement with some of the people at the gallery, and I've lost a lot of respect for them - and thus I am not so loyal and no longer all that invested in them. That doesn't mean I'm down prioritizing my art-career, not at all.
I had the guts to send in an application for a big shot art competition - I don't believe I am even close to a shot at becoming a finalist, but it's more the fact that I applied, and that I did it without thinking "no one is interested in seeing my art". I know that my art isn't that great, but maybe one day it will become so.

there's been a shift in my mentality this past year. I know that for many 2020 has been an awful year, but for me it's been a bag of mixed beans. I've had my challenges. Some of them were big, but yet at the same time - I'm still standing, and I think I am standing stronger than I've ever had to before.
I even have a minor crush on someone, which is incredible insane. It'll just complicate matters if he ever finds out, and I'm not sure I'll dare to take that rejection right now. Mainly because then it'll become super awkward at the gym.
I'm learning to go with my gut feeling, I am feeling a little queasy about how things are done at my gallery. I feel like they are subconciously looking down at us, that we aren't proper artists because of our circumstances, and because many of us havent completed the formal education within art. Which is a lot of BS, because artist isn't a protective title, and besides many of the historical great ones weren't affiliated with a university of art. But they seem to forget that. No one likes to walk around feeling deevaluated and/or judged.
Once upon a time I would have just let them, I wouldn't have realised that this behavior and mindset actually makes me quite angry. But I am, I don't feel it per-say, but I can hear it when I start talking about them and I can read the frustration between the lines. Even if I can't actually feel the emotion.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #49 on: September 04, 2020, 04:45:58 PM »
hey, sceal,

wow!  there's so much going on in your post, and a lot of it sounds really positive.  yay for you!

connecting w/ your body in a new way - that's huge.  doing your workouts, prioritizing you as your main focus sounds absolutely wonderful.

i had an artist friend who also struggled w/ the whole art degree thing, believed she wasn't being taken seriously w/ her art unless she got that MFA to put after her name.  personally, i think it's a shame that there's judgment around that, especially if someone looks down on you for not having it. 

good luck w/ your application - whether or not you're accepted i applaud you for putting it in :applause:  well done!

you sound stronger in this post than i've heard from you in a while.  i hope you can continue to build on it, remember what you've gone thru to get to that place, and give yourself a big pat on the back.  i'm proud of you!  love and hugs, sweet sceal. :hug:

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Hope67

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #50 on: September 06, 2020, 08:27:49 AM »
Hi Sceal
Connecting more with your body in a new way, I agree with SanMagic how huge that is.  I would also like to wish you good luck for your application.  I really hope the outcome is positive, and whatever happens, you are approaching things, and that's brave (in my opinion).
Sending you a supportive hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #51 on: September 07, 2020, 06:39:31 AM »
Thank you both, San and Hope <3
I was day dreaming as I fell asleep last night that they would call me from the museum and tell me that I was one of the finalist. And even as I daydreamt about it I started crying. And I realised that it would mean so much to me to be recognised that way. I don't think I would fully believe them, or that it would change drastically how I view myself and my art, but I think it would maybe plant a seed that one day I would perhaps see the potential value of my art.
I know that people have seen things in my art that spoke to them, and that is beautiful. I hope to re-create that enough times so it will actually become a viable income down the road.
It's an uphill battle, like all the others. It's confusing, exhausting, disoriating. I haven't really created anything big in months now, because I've been trying to understand the business side of things. And each time I think about picking up a pencil I get a little scared of "what if it sucks?" It doesn't matter if i don't need to show it to anyone, because I would have the confirmation in-front of my eyes that I am not good enough. And I think that is something that people who try to tell me to just draw, that I don't have to share it with everyone doesn't fully comprehend.
I think that for us, who have been through so much *, that the only way for us to start seeing ourselves as the thing people keep telling us (I mean in the positive light) is to see it for ourself, and to accept ourselves. It's nice to hear, but I don't know about you, but for me... I just think they are lying to me when they tell me I look pretty today, or that my painting is nice and has good qualties of something. I think they are just looking for something nice to say so I don't feel like crap.
Just like at boxing when at the end of the session they say it's been a good session today, and they are seeing good progress.. I keep thinking "they are talking about everyone else - how can I improve equally as fast as they do, how can I catch up?". Of course, it also doesn't help right now that I am "hot for teacher"  ;D

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #52 on: September 07, 2020, 02:31:39 PM »
 :)  'hot for teacher' put a smile on my face, sceal.  sometimes that kind of thing can color our perspective on things, right?

i understand the whole validation thing you're talking about.  i've had that 'this is our flaky therapist, san' introduction hanging over my head for decades. even getting published in a professional journal didn't quite erase it.  i brought my own brand of creative therapy to the table, but she dismissed it as invalid, which made me doubt myself, too.

unfortunately, in the creative world, no matter which area you're in, it's always outside validation that seems to count the most. i think marketing is the most difficult part of that - we have to 'sell' our product even as we sometimes struggle with its worth when viewed from our own perspective.

sitting next to you, sceal, as you go thru this.  love and hugs, :hug:

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #53 on: September 08, 2020, 05:02:07 AM »
I almost, almost dared to ask him for a private lesson yesterday. My shoulder is dealing with a minor injury, so I wont get as much out of the workouts as I'd like. But also, there's some elements that I struggle with that I think would benefit from getting some extra lessons in - although I realise I might be too distracted if I ask him. :P 
whatever it is, it is giving me a little butterflies, and that's quite enjoyable.

I remember in dbt training, that getting validation is something that we all require so much. It's hard to get, because people often don't listen, they are waiting their turn to say the things that are on their minds. I have to catch myself from doing that in a lot of times too. I think that is why I whine so much when things get hard, because I'm not being seen or heard by my friends. They just want to "fix" me or the problem, and it makes me feel as they don't have the confidence that I can do it myself.

I am sorry to hear that you've had the 'flaky therapist' hanging over you. Have you felt that way because of your trauma, and your lack of putting words to emotions? I've had so many therapists throughout the years, and the ones who were creative was far better than the ones who were rigid and tried to put me and my illness into a box. Because of this rigidity, I believe, they misdiagnosed me for 12 years.

My problem with outside validation is that it has to come from the "correct" people, and I never really know who they are. My friends and family aren't the "correct" people, I will just assume that they are saying things to cheer me up, or make me happy. So I never quite believe them to be honest, which to be fair, is quite rude of me. Why do I hold them closest to me, if I keep thinking they are lying to me? :P I suppose it's a defense mechanism mixed between "I don't want to end up in the cult-like thing again where I take everything for face value" and "if I believe all that they say, then I might get entitled or high on myself, and I don't want that."
It gets very black and white thinking, I'm realising as I'm writing this out. I'll have to consider that a little bit.

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notalone

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #54 on: September 08, 2020, 09:35:44 PM »
whatever it is, it is giving me a little butterflies, and that's quite enjoyable. 
Neat!  ;D

I wanted to respond to what you wrote about validation, but my mind is really jumbled. I guess I'll just say that I heard and understood what you wrote.

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #55 on: September 09, 2020, 09:18:58 PM »
To notalone: I understand the feeling of being scrambled brain. It's not pleasant, I hope you feel better soon. <3

I had boxing today, my shoulder has been acting up since Sunday so I haven't been able to participate 110% which bothers me. But also now the main instructor is back, and he is making us go through the very basic of basic - which is really good. But also frustrating because I end up feeling more clutsy than I have been lately.
And I realised today that I prefer going together with those who are better than me, because then my competitive brain doesn't turn on. But today I was the only non-newbie newbie. And I felt I should have understood things more easily, so I got flustered and I have been beating myself up about it for hours. I also think it is because he kept correcting me, but now that I write this down I think it is better to be corrected than to be ignored like I mostly have been. Well, not ignored but I haven't been really corrected as much. I have sort of blended into the environment and not been noticed. Which is my comfort zone. I want to join in, without being noticed.

I also asked mr.crush if he could show me sometime outside group, which they keep saying they can. But he said no, basically. Maybe I am not good enough yet, or he feels awkward about it. I don't know. Could be a million reasons..
I have kept telling myself for being brave for asking.. but it doesn't really sink in. I am fairly bummed out and really nervous about seeing him again tomorrow

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #56 on: September 13, 2020, 01:53:50 PM »
I got a shoulder injury. It keeps aching. I suppose rest is the only medicine, as nothing else has helped yet. But I am restless.

I need boxing and kickboxing.
Thursday was a better day. I performed better, I had my focus back.
Although I found mr. Crush on tinder and I pushed like. He hasn't matched back. Although, that doesn't have to mean anything. He might not have logged on, he might not have come across me yet - or he might just not be interested.

I don't think I have a lot to come with or entertain with. Although I feel more like me and myself at the gym. I smile all the time when I am there. I don't feel overly judged. Perhaps by a few of them, but I think it is more a misjudgement. They see my weight and think I can't do it. Well, I am going to prove them wrong.

I feel kind of sick too, sort of but not really. I got my period, so it might just be my body trying to catch up with me.

I keep having nightmares again now. Nightmares of not finding important things. About being chased, about not being safe, about losing safe people, about my ex. Guilt and shame is what I wake up to. Even writing this right now gave me an enormous bodily reaction of nausea.
I don't know what it is that I am processing.

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marta1234

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #57 on: September 13, 2020, 05:01:47 PM »
Sending you a hug Sceal, :hug: and Iím happy that you feel better after doing something you like :) Sending you support and love to help you relax (as much as I can).  :hug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #58 on: September 15, 2020, 11:14:19 PM »
hey, sceal,

i think the 'flaky therapist' comment hit me so hard because, for one, it came from my supervisor, and for another, it was, once again, not being accepted for who i am, my individual ways of looking at the world and my profession.  not being accepted for me is definitely a c-ptsd thing, especially from someone in an authority position.  i didn't dress like an authority-type therapist where i worked, so was judged neg. from first sight.  i wasn't 'fashionable'. i also bent the therapy 'rules' at times because i believed the girls i worked with had a different dynamic to address - i worked as a day treatment therapist, while the rest of the therapists worked in the residential sector.  it was a completely different mindset.

i understand what you mean, also, by getting the validation from the 'correct' people.  it really does make a difference.

i agree with you about the possibility that you're processing something that's coming out in your subconscious thru dreams. 

in the end, tho, i'm so glad for you that you feel more yourself when you're at the gym, doing your thing, feeling it, working yourself in a way that's good for you.  having an environment like that w/o judgments is so encouraging to keep going, to my mind.  keep up the good work, sweet sceal.  love and hugs :hug:

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Sceal

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Re: Sceal's journey
« Reply #59 on: September 16, 2020, 09:03:39 PM »
To Marta1234, Thank you for the hug! I appreciate it :)

To San: Standing out and being different takes guts. It is also really hard and difficult, especially when you really want acceptance for who you are, or at the very least for your professionalism.  It might be a little late saying this now, considering you don't work there anymore but: Their judgement is on them. Not you. The fault lies with them and their narrowmindedness. You are a wonderful person who has so much to give, and I am sure those girls who you helped got better treatment because you saw them for what they needed, not just simply by following a regiment. All size fits all doesn't work when it comes to health matters.

---

I've been so focused on going to the gym this week, I'm breaking down my body a little bit. I think my immune system is getting a little compromised, although I am not sure. I feel fine most of the time, except for the sore muscles, and then occasionally I get this funny feeling in my ears. Like the beginning of an ear-infection. But it makes no sense to get an ear infection now. I'm drinking loads of tea with lemon, honey and ginger though, so hopefully that's boosting it again. And I'm making sure I am dry and warm, and if it rains I will get out of the wet clothes quickly. Also, if I sleep proper, or get enough naps - I always end up feeling right back on top again.  I hope it's just my body adjusting to my new life-style.

Talking about new life-style.
I noticed today that I really want to get good at this martial art thing, and that I really want to up my game and to be impressive. And then I started wondering... Who am I doing this for again? I need to remember to play the long game this time. It's not a sprint, not this time. It's more important that I let the body get used to this. I also need to stop myself from wanting to be impressive to others. This body now belongs to me. Not them, not him, not they, not her, not anyone else, but me. And I am also currently not competing against anyone but myself. And this is something I need to start to remember. This is my life, this is my body. If I am slower at getting a move, then so what. If I am quicker at getting another thing, so what? It really is my journey.
I. Need. To. Stop. Wanting. To. Impress. Other.People.Who.I.Want.To. Be.My. Friends.
I am enough.


right?
God I hope so. I am trying to convince myself of this.
Yet, that doesn't mean I will slack, I will work hard. And I will get to where I want to be. And maybe, maybe one day I will also get the guy. Maybe.