Sceal's journey

Started by Sceal, July 24, 2020, 10:39:36 PM

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sanmagic7

hey, sceal,

may i tell you the experience my d and i had when we moved to where we're living now?  it sounds very similar to what you're talking about. we both got out of very stressful situations, had been living with stress and drama for years before we found the place where we're now living.  peaceful, surrounded by forest and flowers, caring neighbors who were very helpful and concerned about us, a wonderful community which was supportive as far as our books went, kind and helpful people all around us.  it was almost weird!

in the first several months of living here, both my d's and my anxiety went thru the roof.  just feeling disturbed and distressed.  as we talked about it, what made sense to us was that this was the first time in a long time that things were settled around and for us in a very positive way, and we weren't used to it.  we'd been used to dealing with and living amongst chaotic people, adding stress to already stressed lives.  then, boom.  all the stress was gone.

we think our brains, minds, systems weren't used to NOT dealing with stress or neg. people, and didn't know how to react to the peace we'd discovered.  a strange dynamic, but i still believe it.  it took us a while to be able to accommodate the lack of stress/drama, to not be anxious about the absence of it.  what you're describing rang a bell with me.  you have a lot of positive stuff going on in your life now, especially in places that weren't pos. in the past, and you're adjusting to it, making a transition from what was to what is, albeit what is now is very positive for you and your life.

still, it is a transition where all your synapses aren't firing away all the time in response to tension going on around you and within you.  i hope you can give yourself time, learn how to enjoy this new and different phase of your life.  it may be a little rocky at first, but i believe it will calm down eventually.

if none of this resonates with you, just ignore it, ok?  it just sounded very familiar to me.  keep taking care of you as best you can.  you'll get through this.  sending love and a hug filled with patience   :hug:

Tee

 :hug: because things in general are out of control in the world.

Sceal

Thank you Tee and San,
I've read your replies, and I admit I forgot to come back and reply to them. But I need to write about other things today.

--
TW: cult, identity, abuse


I am talking to Mr. T at the centre for sexual abuse about identity these past few weeks. It's a topic that both he and I find very interessting. I've gone through a lot of changes this year, and in many ways I feel a lot stronger. A lot more secure in my self, in who I am. I still don't really know who I am, and what that really means. I don't know what all of my values are. What are the things I truly believe to be true and right, and not just following what others seem to think is the best direction. I have tested a lot of boundary work this year. I've practiced setting boundaries. Over and over again.
I've allowed myself to feel actual, proper anger.
I've lost a lot this year. But not as much as others. It's not a competition, so it doesn't really matter who has lost more or less. Every loss is hard, painful and heartbreaking.

It took me a while to really miss Lady T. But I miss her now. I think she would have been proud of me. Of how far I've come since she saw me last. I think her decision of ending the therapy was the right one, and I think I am now a lot closer to be able to come back to her and do the trauma-therapy that I really do need. I think I am a lot closer to be able to handle that. And that for me, is big.

I've been watching a documentary about a religious cult from a different country. Most of the abuse there was psychological, there was some violent one too. And although my experience in the "cult-like group" I was a part of... was very similar. I could feel that fear these people were talking about in the documentary. I can feel their shame. Although, for some reason, they seem a lot more healed, gathered than I feel I am. Perhaps that was just the few of them who let them selves be interviewed. There were many more involved that didn't interview. Maybe because their damage is too deep, too hard. But sitting there, afterwards, understanding how awful things went, how bad it really was... and wondering "but why didn't I stop it sooner? Why didn't I leave?". I feel those questions.
Why didn't I see?
I know I wasn't capable of. I know I didn't have any other perspective to give. No one was really fighting hard for me to realize it at the time either. But I probably hid the things that happened really well. I didn't have words that they were wrong. I didn't understand they were wrong, because... I didn't think I had the right to say what was right or wrong. I was wrong, so how was I one of authority to say that this is not how to treat someone else. Stop treating me this way.

I am exhausted watching this documentary. I was hoping it would give me some relief, lessen some of the shame that I feel when I think back on all the things I didn't see, all the things I let myself be exposed to. All the times I didn't just leave. I feel to blame for the manipulations, brainwashing and sexual abuse I was a victim of.
And I don't think I will feel differently about this until I get to process this part in therapy with Lady T.


Not Alone

Part of their manipulation was that you take the blame.

Quote from: Sceal on October 07, 2020, 02:23:39 PM
Although, for some reason, they seem a lot more healed, gathered than I feel I am.

You only saw one part of what they were willing to show. If I were being interviewed about my trauma journey; some days I would look like I've come a long ways, some days my struggle might be more obvious. Whatever the day, people would only see what I choose to show. Bottom line, you have worked hard and you continue to work hard on your healing. You have made progress and you continue to move forward; step by step.

Sceal

To Notalone,
Thank you. That is a good point. It is easy to judge the little one see, be it both for good or for bad.
And you're right. I have made progress. In more ways than one.

However this week, this week has been emotional. I'm lonely. I keep fantasizing about this guy, but at the same time.. I don't quite know how to talk to him, or if I should even bother. Even if I knew how to talk to him, it's.. I wouldn't know what to say. It feels awkward and transparent.

sanmagic7

i agree with notalone - manipulators make sure they do not take the blame.  that's why they test their victims to see how far a person will let them go with what they're trying to do.  if we haven't been taught to have a strong sense of self, of personal boundaries, of what's ok and what isn't ok for us to accept into our lives and living experience, we don't have a chance against them.  the shame is theirs for taking advantage of people, abusing them in such a way that we end up confused, willing, afraid to go against them, and ultimately, traumatized by the experience.

it's their game, their rules, and we didn't know how to play, so they would win each time.  as we continue to recover, we also learn to put the blame and shame where it belongs.  shame on them for doing something just because they could, even tho it was something they should not have done because it took advantage of someone for their own personal agenda.  love and hugs, sweet sceal. :hug:

Tee

 :hug: I agree with notalone and San
This is something I'm struggling with RightNow with my T when someone tells us we are no good and should do what we are told from a young age, then that is etched into our core being. So as we grow and meet abusers who never take the blame but rather push the blame on everyone one else, it is easy for us to wave our hands in the air and say oh it is my fault I'm to blame.  The abuser says sure. And then starts pushing all the blame on us. The easiest target, so then if anything goes wrong is our fault we get punished, we get abused because we were bad.

When in reality they are sick and twisted preying on already broken and hurt people that they know won't say anything because they think it's their fault that they deserve what's coming.

Good for you being able to set boundaries. You have come a long way Hope. Just remember to keep going you deserve to be treated like a priceless Jewel don't let anyone tell you different. :hug:

Sceal

San:
For me, I didn't realise what was happening - when it was happening. Which is why it makes me feel small and stupid. I feel like I should have understood what was going on. I should have reacted to all the red lights. Because there were plenty, I guess they werent bright enough for me to notice them. Or the need to belong to someone was greater than the danger they posed at the time.

Tee:
I wonder if it's part of a coping mechanism. It is easier to blame ourselves, because at least that's something we can control in the situation. We can control how much blame we feel on our own situation?

---

I've been focused a lot on identity lately. It is a topic that is both intriguing intellectually, but also something I have struggled with personally and emotionally.
Who am I? Who do I want to be? What to others think of me? How am I perceived? Am I this person?
I haven't quite figured it out yet, but I am getting there.

I was listening to a recording today, of me and my mentor. She records it for me, due to my memory gaps, to help me troubleshoot things.
And I was listening to it. And a few thoughts popped into my mind.
1) I hate listening to myself, but I don't hate it as much as I used to.
2) I sound so un-enthusiastic!  And I think that is due to a) I was very tired and on my period and b) It was late and I don't want my family to overhear our conversations.
3) I sound incredible insecure. I keep bringing up my health, my worries, and my inability to do things. Rather than the things that I can do.
4) I don't speak with conviction. Even when I have figured out something that interests me, I don't talk about it with convictions.

sanmagic7

sceal, so much of what you wrote were very similar to experiences i've also had in past situations.  it was almost eerie, like watching a movie of myself.

i didn't realize what was happening at the time, either, on many fronts with too many people.  i just know i had my own reasons for doing what i did at the time, saying what i said, not doing what i didn't do - all that stuff.  i'm just not in the same place now, not with the same people, so kudos to us for getting out from under them.  that's an accomplishment in itself! :applause:

sending love and a hug filled with continued clarity

Sceal

Thank you San, and I am sorry you had similar situations throughout your life. I hope they are ovr for you now, as they are for me. And that eventually - we'll become fully recovered.

I am tired, and exhausted. It's been a super long week, and it's only Wednesday. It's not that it's been a bad week. It's been a confusing week. And I'm stressed, beneath the surface I can feel the stress bubbling away.
I know it's unhealthy for the body, and for the mind, but when I don't really understand where the stress is coming from - then how can I deal with it?

Last week I performed badly at everything I did. I didn't give up, I kept going,I tried to slow down and do things anyway, but I had this lingering feeling that I just... couldn't perform. And that's okay. Some weeks are going to be like that. I just have to accept them, but I am terrible with accepting things I don't want to do. I really am.

This week I've done better. I've been more engaged, I've pushed harder even if I've got blisters beneath my feet and bruises on my legs and hands. Yesterday when I got home I could barely walk, I needed help getting undressed. It was rough. I was so certain that I'd be completely crushed today. I haven't been, I'm tired yes. But that's not strange at all. But what I also am, is emotional. Insecure, vulnerable. I don't like it, (who does?) I wish there were things I could do to regulate it better. But that too costs energy.
I have homework to do this week, loads of it. I've started, but I'm not even halfway through. I hope I can get some done tomorrow morning, because otherwise I wont actually be able to finish it on time. And that's... well, that'll be a new experience I guess. But the only one who'll miss out on it, is me. As I will be underprepared, and I wont have learned.

I have a crush, like I think I've mentioned before. It's not as bubbly as it was in the beginning. Perhaps because I am getting so many vague and mixed signals. I can't really read him, and I can't really reach him.  It makes me feel alone so much more. I keep wanting a hug, so desperatedly. Or being held. Or kissed. Or just flirted with. But most of all, god how I miss a hug. I guess I didn't quite realise how much they actually mattered to me, those I got on occasion from friends. How much they kept my loneliness at bay. But now, everytime I lie down, every evening. He and a hug is all I think about.
I wish he'd notice me.
I don't know if he is a good man, or if he is mature enough. Or if we'd even be a good match.
But I do know that having a flirt would be good for me.  The bonus with him is that I know he is equally as busy as me in the evenings most of the week. So it wouldn't be a "demand" to see him all the time. He wouldn't cancel his time for the benefit of me, and neither would I feel like I had to for him. It'd be a relief.

Sceal

I feel okay.

I fixed my hair. I got an early birthday present. I had coffee with a friend.
And I had my martial art.

I have pushed my body hard this week.
I've made stronger connections to some of the gals. My feet hate me for this week though. Blisters on both, and they itch and they burn and they are painful. Even if I am not walking on them.

I don't really know what's happening right now.
Either there's just a lot of positive things around me that I am just embracing. Or I am on my way into another mini-manic state.
I don't think I have been this active for so long without burning out.
In one way I can see the headlights steering right for me, but at the same time I have this crazy thought in my mind: what if... What if those headlights aren't a train about to bulldoze me, but two friends on bikes trying to catch up with me to hang out?

What if... What if everything will be okay?

I am an impatient, stubborn person.
Two qualities that doesn't really work well together. I don't mind the stubbornness so much, it gives me less grief than the impatient. I've been forced to be patient over and over and over and over again. Things keep being delayed and I keep not getting answers.

I want to write more, bit I don't really have much more to say

Tee

 :hug: I'm glad your doing well today!

sanmagic7

glad you're feeling a bit better. i think your question 'what if everything will be ok? - is a question for the ages.  i don't think it's recognized enough, and i'm glad you brought it up.  it's a huge dynamic to think about, the idea that things might go right. which begs the question - how do i deal with that?  we haven't had a lot of practice with things being ok within and around us.  what a concept!

I feel for you, sweet sceal, about wanting the hug, the flirting, the fun of it.  i can only hope you get at least a taste of it.  sending love and a hug filled with smiles :hug:

Sceal

Thank you, Tee  :hug:

Dear San,
I think we are so often used to think "what if it doesn't go okay?" More than what if it will turn out okay. It is easier to deal with making a contingency plan for failure than for success.. for what do you do when you reach that success? Is that it? Do you chase something else? How will it feel? How will I deal with it? Will I be a poor winner?  And.. what next?

But... What if we just.. try to think that it will be okay, one way or another. It might not be what we thought we wanted, but what if instead we got what we needed?

There's also something in psychology that says that negativity is a lot more contagious than positivity. It is harder to remain positive and upbeat, especially if everyone else is bringing you down. But at the same time.. a smile, a genuine smile, is also contagious. Much like jawning.

I went to a social event yesterday, where my crush was going to be. I am the new girl, I am also the oldest. For some I am 5 years older others I am 12 years older. It doesn't quite feel like it, perhaps because I know I don't look it. And I know they mostly forget.
I got quiet though, I didn't know what to say, so I mostly sat to myself and just observed and listened. I'm not good at parties if I can't dance.
I'd like to dance.  I'm not good at it, but I don't care about that anymore.

Sceal

Yesterday mr. T asked me if I planned on losing more weight. I said yes, at least two more kg. He said I shouldn't. I am about to vanish. At the time that made me feel good, but also confused. I am still 10 kg overweight. I am not about to vanish.

Later that day Mum also commented on me looking smaller.

Today my GP asked the same thing.

I guess I have lost some cm, but the scale says otherwise.

The day started okay. I had a checkup with my GP and had some blood drawn. She asked me how my mental health is, and I said it's been alright. Stable, with some bad days Inbetween, but probably more in a normal way like normal people have it.

Work was okay. I was leading a meeting Infront of my boss and one supervisor. And I even managed to express loudly and confidently that it's not okay to be stigmatized as a mentally ill/sick person. That marketing for the workplace needs to be more uplifting and focus on what's important: the art. Not the illnesses.

I did okay with printmaking. I made a bunch of mistakes, got some help in trying to figure it out. And that worked.

Went to the gym. Had my first session and was fairly unfocused. Struggled with turning the body-mind connection on.

The second lesson was much more fun. The guy I've been crushing on has started talking more to me as well. But then I kicked my foot. I didn't notice until the end, until we were doing jump-lunges. It just started hurting. And I knew I wouldn't be able to finish. So I left. Feeling stupid. Miserable. Nauseous and grumpy. Really disappointed in myself. Lunges and jumping are two things I struggle a lot with, and having to do them combined I was both fearing and ready to conquer.. but I couldn't. And I just felt... Useless. Inadequate. I felt like a fool. And the guy followed me out to make sure I was okay, like he kept asking me if I was sure. I just smiled and said of course just minor injury. It happens.
I wanted to cry.
I desperately wanted a hug.

So I closed off.

I packed up the stuff and changed and sat waiting in silence away from people nursing my foot and my emotional pain. I suppose it's s good thing they were all ignoring me. Otherwise I would have started crying and made a bigger fool out of myself.

And it feels so stupid. It feels so stupid to react like this. No one else will care!