Sceal's journey

[Blueberry]

I did a tiny-tiny bit towards my business. But then I panicked. What if I get successful? Sh8t. I don't know what to do if that happens.
How ridiculous is even that? 

That sounds familiar to me, Sceal. I don't think it's ridiculous. I think there's something traumatic behind it in my case, or at least fear of some kind of overwhelm if success came, and I don't necessarily think workload overwhelm but more emotions or past memories or realisations. It could be something along those lines for you. Or it may be something different. But whatever it is, I don't think it's ridiculous.

I used to have those panicky feelings about 'maybe the house is burning down' or 'maybe the washing machine is flooding everywhere' (not a good thing if you live in rental accommodation with lower floors to drip onto). Sometimes I talked myself through it, sometimes I did go back and check. standing with you however you decide. More for going through lockdown in cold weather. 

[Sceal]

To Blueberry,
Maybe you're right, I'm not sure. I'm not sure I have the capacity to dive into that right now and see if it fits with me too. That it is trauma related. It might just be consequence of trauma symptom.

Thank you for understanding that fear. That when you leave the house you've done some fatal mistake that will end up burning down the house, or flooding it and generally costing everyone a buttload of money. All because you weren't paying attention. Forgot. Or something stupid.  It's so embarrassing.

--
My folks went out to the cabin in the end. I couldn't come up with a good excuse to borrow their car for hours at an end. Not during the pandemic, and when the government has told us not to go visit anyone. What excuse could I use? There was nothing wrong at the cabin. Except for a misplaced phone charger. so I haven't had any anxiety attacks since Mid-day wednesday. When I realised they had arrived and they hadn't called me in fury.

I am however. Chock-a-bock full of EF's today. It took me a while to realize it. I was being annoyed at my friends for telling me I need to give this guy a chance for a second date, when I had told them the date was pleasant, but boring. And that there was nothing there for me, and he was only busy talking about himself and how self-reflected he is. Clearly not reflected enough that he understood he didn't ask me a single question.  I'm not sure what the EF is really about. Perhaps lack of control. Perhaps people telling me what I should do. Perhaps this guilt thing that I can't seem to drop. Not really. I don't even know what it is I feel guilty about right now. But that heavy weight stone is stuck in my belly.  I can feel it so clearly.  I feel like I've been awake for a week, and been walking uphill everyday for a month. Yet in little over an hour I have to be sociable and friendly through skype call. I hope I wont snap at anyone.

I have a feeling that my best friend is pissed at me for something. Or maybe just sick and tired of me. I'm not entirely sure. But she never reaches out and says hi anymore. Hasn't for over a month, maybe it's been two? I can't recall. I've reached out to her several times. And it's like talking to a cold potato. Very little response, Maybe she's going through some stuff. Maybe it's just the covid19 stuff that's gotten her bummed down. Whatever it is, I'm nervous about pretending everything is going to be great tonight.
I'm skittish, I'm still in the EF, even if I realise that it is there doesn't mean it's not gone. It's barely past dinner time and all i really want to do is go to bed. But shceduling this call has been difficult.

[mojay]

Sceal, thank you for sharing! I really resonated with a lot of what you've said. On another note, glad to hear that everything was okay at the cabin!
I know the feeling of being anxious over something like that.
Wishing you all the luck during your call tonight 

[Blueberry]

To Blueberry,
Maybe you're right, I'm not sure. I'm not sure I have the capacity to dive into that right now and see if it fits with me too. That it is trauma related. It might just be consequence of trauma symptom.

My apologies Sceal if I was attributing too much of my thing onto you! Good job on not diving in, good self-care I mean   It sounds as if you have enough going on rn otherwise. I'm sending you support for that.  

[Sceal]

Thank you Mojay, it kind of helps knowing I'm not the only one who get these stupid panic attacks about these kind of things.  My RL friends think I am weird because of it.

To Blueberry: You didn't attribute your thing onto my stuff. Don't worry about that. It is something that I will ponder upon when I got a few of the other things dealt with. It'll be on my mental to-do list. It'll be good to figure out if there's some trauma related to it, or not.

---

I feel a little better today. The only physical interaction I had with anyone yesterday was when I went to buy myself a kebab for dinner. Otherwise I chatted a little bit with a few people. The event I was going to online got cancelled an hour ahead of time. Which meant I got to snuggle up and watch another movie and not deal with anything. I danced a little in the kitchen and indulged in some daydream fantasy.

My folks are returning home today. I wish they would stay another day. But it will be alright. I kind of want to work, but I'm also noticing that I got a bit of cottonhead today. Sometimes when I have these days where I work from 10 in the morning until 20-21 at evening with breaks throughout the day I keep wondering to myself if I am really as disabled as I have made it out to be. Maybe i'm just a fraud. But then.. that was Tuesday and it's now Saturday and I'm still not ready to get back to working - and I am reminded that I cannot actually work consistently everyday. My mind and my body doesn't function well enough for that. And I am reminded of what Lady T said some years ago.. that my work abilities lie only between 10-30%, depending on whether I am under a lot of pressure and stress or not.
My panic attacks, my excessive need for sleep, and my constant stress eating are symptopms that tells me that I am under a lot of stress. I am not quite sure why I feel this stress.. Or maybe - Maybe I am lying to myself. I am perhaps expecting there to be a newfound reason as to why I'm stressed out.. When I know that there are some fundamental things in my life right now that I am still waiting for, such as my final financial support. Housing loan, and deletion of student loan due to low income. The fact that I , in the middle of my 30s had to move back in with my folks because I am still waiting for these applications to be accepted or denied. And then have to wait and see if I have to send in a complaint and wait for another few years in order for that to be sorted or not.
I feel like a burden.
I am also stressing out about my art not selling. Not being able to gain an audience, or followers. That I am not good enough.
I am trying to do what seems to be a trend on tiktok now, that 2021 is going to be the year when people start loving themselves more. Loving the bodies they have, loving who they are and be unapologetic about it.

Like this date I was on. I haven't heard from him since, and I think we both kind of felt the same.. that there was no connection between us. And i'm not saying he's a terrible choice of a man. Just that him and I aren't the best choice for eachother. And why should we settle? There's someone better out there for him. And there's someone else, hopefully?, out there for me too. And even if there isn't. I'm okay with being on my own. Sometimes it would be nice though, to cuddle up next to someone and feel safe in their arms. That's the only thing I miss. Or being able to make memories together with someone.  But I am also capable and enough on my own.

[Sceal]

I've been having nightmares lately. The kind of nightmares that you force yourself awake from.
It is really bright and earl here now, I'm the only one awake besides the pets. It's quiet. And I'm exhausted. I made coffee, but I might just go back to bed if I can manage it in a little bit. We'll see.

I don't know why I'm getting these nightmares again. I haven't been triggered. I still stress eat. But not as much, and now mainly only late afternoon and evening. The mornings are usually okay. I don't feel that many emotions right now either. I don't feel numb, I just don't feel all that much. Bored and disinterested in things I guess.  I thought I was going to come on here and unload my thoughts.. but I'm realising I don't actually have anything to say..

[Tee]

  hi Sceal I'm sorry your having nightmares.  I've been having nightmares/flashbacks lately too.  It's made it very difficult to sleep.  Some of my littles have actually stayed up all night to not sleep anyway I just wanted to say hi I hope you are able to go back to sleep for a bit.  I'm getting ready to go to bed myself hopefully.  Hope you have a good day if you end up staying up.  Enjoy the quite before the world starts getting busy. Sending love 

[Sceal]

Hi Tee. I managed to snooze off a little bit, because I let the cat in, and she wanted cuddles so bad she followed me to my bedroom. And sat next to me purring. It was soothing and calming. I didn't quite fall asleep, but I got some rest. And some allergies, but it was worth the latter. 

[Not Alone]

Sceal, I'm sorry that you have been having nightmares. Ugh. I find our new kitten to be very soothing and calming when she's cuddling and purring too. (Not so much when she's pretending to be a lion attacking her prey, which is everything and everybody!) 

[Tee]

  pets are good for calming like that I'm glad you were able to relax.

[Blueberry]

    

[Sceal]

Just found out the poor cat has worms. It's not uncommon for cats that mostly spend their time outdoors. She's probably been drinking unclean water or captured a rat or bird or something. But it means my folks doesn't want her indoor until she's worm-free.

plus side, I got a lot of work done today. Seems like tuesdays are my most productive days. Although, I keep getting confused at which day it is. It's a little stressful not knowing which weekday it is. Not getting any sales is a little stressful too. I keep thinking about it. Worrying about it. Wondering if I can cover the expenses for making more art.

[Tee]

I'm glad you were able too get thing done today Sceal.  If you think Tuesdays are your best day and you can't remember what day it is just always think it most be Tuesday.😜 Just kidding I know that's frustrating.  I hope you sell some stuff soon. Big hug would love to see some of your stuff some time. I know you've said that takes away the whole anynonomus thing but if you don't put your name on it I wouldn't know cause I don't really know that many artist. Though I like art.  Big hug of encouragement.

[marta1234]

Sceal, I'm sorry you've been having nightmares, my heart goes out to you  I'm sorry about your cat having worms, hope they get better quickly so you can have more snuggles Sending you my care and support, and although I don't have anything helpful to say for your artwork sales, just know that I'm rooting for you in any case.
P.S. I'd also be happy to see some of your artwork if you ever choose to share (no pressure though, you can completely ignore this) 

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
Sending you a hug, and I hope your cat gets better soon.   
Hope