AlterEg0's Journal

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Alter-eg0

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Re: AlterEg0's Journal
« Reply #30 on: April 29, 2021, 02:20:58 PM »
Thanks NotAlone and Armadillo!
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So I still haven't told my boss that i'll be leaving soon. I wanted to tell her straight away on monday, but she was too busy yelling at a co-worker, and I was like...yeah nope.
And the next time I see her, will be tomorrow. I already have my letter of resignation ready, and i've been taking care of some other business that also needs to be taken care of before I get started. I'm really looking forward to getting all this off my back and moving on. Looking forward to my new job, even though i'm scared. I still feel heavy, but now there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I know things won't be perfect by any means, but it's progress all the same and it makes way for many options and growth in the future.

So...looks like i'll have to corner my boss tomorrow and break the news. I'm nervous about how she'll respond (and how she'll treat me for the next 2,5 months before I leave), but at the same time..knowing that i'll be leaving soon makes it easier to deal with.

My new contract starts on august 1st, but classes don't start until august 30th. So i've decided i'll leave my job on july 9th (a friday) so that I have just as much summer holiday as I would have had if i'd already been in the education system. It gives me time to prepare, but also to calm down, relax, do what I want. It's been so long since i've had a holiday that didn't have all the radars running in the back of my head the entire time. So i'm really looking forward to this!

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Alter-eg0

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Re: AlterEg0's Journal
« Reply #31 on: May 02, 2021, 12:37:16 PM »
I had a weird dream last night. I know you generally process a lot of unconcious stuff in your sleep, sometimes it's more obvious than ususal.

I dreamt that I was with my family, and my father wanted to gather us all together and tell us something. He was walking around all over the place, talking out loud without really checking to see if we were listening, sort of trying to prepare the place for his "presentation". It was a big place with two rooms, a large one to the right with a lot of chairs in a tribune like setting, and a smaller one to the left. So anyway, my father was walking around and blabbing, talking himself up, talking the location up, doing his whole act. And as he was so busy doing his thing, he didn't notice that we had left. We hadn't followed him, we had gone into the room on the left instead. Someone else was in that room (the guy who trained both me and my father, and who is the one who broke the news to me about my dad's narcissism). We were all sitting and chatting with this guy, and my dad must have noticed at some point that we weren't there anymore. So he barged into the room, walked up to the guy we were with, and punched him. He threw the punch in a weird angle, and ended up only hitting the guy's arms (which were in front of him). So the guy threw a punch back, and missed. Which was weird, because we expected (knowing that he has a background in martial arts) that he'd have no trouble knocking him out. It was almost as though he missed on purpose. They sort of went back and forth like this for a while, until the guy knocked my father out cold and he fell to the floor. The guy sat back down, my mum sort of ruffled his hair (which is weird because he's bald, and in my dream he had be bald up until that point) and we all were chatting again. I looked down at my dad, and all I could feel was pity.
I felt so sorry for him, trying so hard to put up that facade of being so great, having everything together, telling himself that everyone thinks he's so great, having to constantly put up that act, but probably being so deeply insecure and lonely on the inside. Always talking about his "good friends" or the great relationships he has with his family for example, and not even noticing that these people don't feel the same way. The fake-ness of it all. I felt really sad for him, purely out of pity.

I don't hate my father, although I am really angry at him. I don't miss him, and I don't want him in my life. But it does make me sad, to think that he's going to end up completely and utterly alone.

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Alter-eg0

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Re: AlterEg0's Journal
« Reply #32 on: May 10, 2021, 12:27:45 PM »
I just encountered another trigger that I had sort of forgotten about.

I just got a message from a colleague, asking me if I wanted to sing/teach a singing workshop at an upcoming gathering. I immidiately got a knot in my stomach and felt the need to push it away or find a viable explanation as to why I can't or don't want to do it.

Here's the thing. I sing, I love singing, I basically came out of the womb singing, and I'm pretty damn good at it. Although I'm no stranger to the stage, singing is something really near and dear to me and very vulnerable. It's one of the few things that's so intertwined with my whole being, and with my emotions. So naturally, singing in front of others feels pretty vulnerable, too. I'm fine when i'm up there with a band, or at least a guitarist or something, because then I don't feel as "naked". But if it's with a regular karaoke track for example, I hate that. It bores me, and it feels too vulnerable.

The strange thing is, when you have a certain talent, especially when it's something that involves performance, it somehow becomes "public property". It's like other people feel as though they have a right to experience it, and you are obligated to showcase it. You know, the whole "Oh, you sing? Sing something then!". When I was a kid, my parents would push me forward at any chance they got. Birthdays, funerals, parties, it didn't matter, it was always "Oh, no problem, she'll sing something". Nobody asked me, it was just assumed that I would do it, because I can. And by the time I was "asked", it was a retorical question. It was already decided. If I protested, I was told not to be so difficult, it wasn't that big a deal, it was no effort for me so why didn't I want to do someone else a pleasure, etc. I was emotionally blackmailed: "what will people think, if you don't do it. They expect it, you did it for so and so, what will they think if you don't do it for them, too?". You're selfish. You're a bad person.
It was an impossible choice for me. The two universal social fears that humans have, are not being good enough, and not belonging. When I was pushed to perform, I was put in a position where I was stuck between these two fears. Either failing at a performance (always afraid that people were expecting a standard that I couldn't meet) and disappointing both myself and others, or being cast out for saying no and being selfish. I always felt so frustrated and intensely angry, yet terrified at the same time. Having to make that impossible lose-lose choice.
So now, whenever someone asks me to sing, I feel that intense fear and the need to push away, rushing back.

The thing is, I probably would not even mind singing a sing if there would just be a karaoke machine and it would be a spontaneous thing. But the fact that someone asks me to sing, in my brain goes straight to "oh, this person is assuming that since I can, I will, and I must", and I immidiately feel scared, helpless and frustrated. I feel so nervous, my stomach is in knots and my heart it in my throat. I want to say no so that I can stop feeling this way and stop feeling the pre-stagefright all week until the day comes. But I also want to say yes, so that I don't have to walk around there feeling guilty for not doing it. This sucks.

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Armadillo

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Re: AlterEg0's Journal
« Reply #33 on: May 10, 2021, 06:44:18 PM »
Oh it breaks my heart that this thing that brings you joy has been made to cause suffering.

For the sake of that joy, I'd guide you to listen to your heart and gut and say yes  only when you want to and are ready to. If that is never and you are happy with that then that is OK.

You don't need an excuse you just say "I am so flattered you asked but I'm sorry I am unable to."

I relate a bit though mine is different. I love to play piano for myself. But if I am asked to play for or around someone I actually completely dissociate and can't even function. Can't find the music in a book i use all the time, my brain and body just stop working. Even thinking about playing for someone causes the same reaction. I'm glad because i literally can't play for someone and it keeps it as a thing for me.
« Last Edit: May 10, 2021, 06:51:34 PM by Armadillo »

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Alter-eg0

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Re: AlterEg0's Journal
« Reply #34 on: May 11, 2021, 11:19:28 AM »
Armadillo, exactly that!
I get it too. Yesterday I was teaching with a colleague and just singing along to the track we were using, and at a specific climactic part of the song she looked at me and said "here it comes!" and I completely choked. I laughed it off as though I meant it to sound bad, but in reality I felt pretty stupid. It's the same when for example there's a birthday and we all have to sing the birthday song. The only way I can do it, is if I sing really badly and make it clear that it's meant to be silly. Otherwise I choke.

And it makes a lot of sense when you say "that keeps it for me". I feel the same way. So often people say things like "why don't you join in <insert talent show here>" or "why haven't you had your breakthrough yet" or "Why don't you go to conservatory or do this professionally". They say "Why aren't you doing anything with this?? (professionally" and it always makes me feel...resentful? Like...guys, I am doing EXACTLY what I want with this. What you mean, is that you want me to make my thing public property. You're not wanting that for ME, you're wanting that for YOU. How is that pleasurable for me? This is mine. This is a deeply intitmate thing for me, and I only want to do it or share it on my own accord. I don't want to HAVE to do it.
Somehow, people don't understand that.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2021, 11:22:00 AM by Alter-eg0 »

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Armadillo

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Re: AlterEg0's Journal
« Reply #35 on: May 13, 2021, 12:26:41 AM »
Quote
They say "Why aren't you doing anything with this?? (professionally" and it always makes me feel...resentful? Like...guys, I am doing EXACTLY what I want with this. What you mean, is that you want me to make my thing public property. You're not wanting that for ME, you're wanting that for YOU. How is that pleasurable for me? This is mine. This is a deeply intitmate thing for me, and I only want to do it or share it on my own accord. I don't want to HAVE to do it.
Somehow, people don't understand that.

Haha. They don't understand it, because I don't think it's "normal" is it? This is trauma speaking, isn't it? Don't let yourself be seen or appreciated. Don't trust people. They are trying to take something from you. They will use it to hurt you. Stay away keep away stop.