Island, My-land - travels within

pt_1112021 · November 02, 2021, 12:10:41 AM

Monday, 11/1/2021
7:54pm (EST)

I've been keeping a journal for over 40 years. My own little island. My-land.

It's safe in here. Nobody sees me. Nobody hears me. Nobody hurts me.

I'm not lonely. Mostly.

Well, sometimes I am. But I'd rather be lonely than feel those awful things again.

But those awful things are over now. And I made a discovery. The grief led me to it.

My mother was a pianist when she was a girl. She played beautifully. Illness took the music away from her. But I found it (by mistake). I'm listening now ... I hear my mother playing again. I hear myself ... playing piano when I was a child, too. Long before the pain. Long forgotten.

Maybe I should buy a piano and take lessons? After all these years? The music is so beautiful.

sanmagic7 · November 02, 2021, 04:26:54 AM

hey, pt.1112021,

thanks for sharing. i love the piano, used to play a bit when i was a kid, too. you might have a really good idea there. sending a gentle hug, if you'd like that.

Armee · November 02, 2021, 04:45:42 AM

Hi.

It would be interesting to see what happens when you play piano again. It'll probably still be there, in your fingers. What will be in your head when you play? That's the question. I played to escape. Now when I play it still functions as escape and I dissociate and get lost. I enjoy it, sometimes.

pt_1112021 · November 02, 2021, 09:36:51 PM

yeh, I wonder, too. I didn't really like to play when I was a kid. It seemed too much like work. But then, I didn't really have a reason to play. It might be different now that I do.

pt_1112021 · November 04, 2021, 07:11:15 PM

So, I just joined this forum a couple of days ago. Truth-be-told, I'm lost. There are so many topics ... but the things I think about or want to talk about seem to cross so many of them so I don't know where to start. Or, I find a post that really resonates only to discover that it was written two years ago. How do people who already feel like they don't belong anywhere and don't feel like they can trust a soul even begin? It feels like being a new kid aimlessly roaming the halls of a new high school ... painfully aware that nobody sees you. Then she tiptoes quietly away...

rainydiary · November 04, 2021, 07:33:06 PM

It is a lot to take in and the way you participate in the forum is up to you. I personally find it helpful when folks return to older posts as it helps me see topics I hadn't seen before. I am glad you are here.

pt_1112021 · November 04, 2021, 09:44:11 PM

thanks - I think I'm just not really used to this kind of forum.

Armee · November 05, 2021, 05:21:58 AM

We see you. 🙂 I also like it when old topics resurface and get fresh life. Take your time exploring. You're not alone here and we all benefit when people revive topics.

sanmagic7 · November 05, 2021, 05:29:34 AM

hey, pt, it may very well be you're not used to it. i actually had never been involved in an online forum like this, either. the ones i had been involved in didn't really work for me. i've heard the suggestion to newcomers to take your time, look around, utilize topics as suits you best. your journal may be the most helpful for you right now. i know i haven't used 90% of the topics on this forum, but began my journal and started responding to others' journals. just doing what i've done, i've found help and support for nearly 7 yrs. this has indeed been my saving grace.

it's ok to start anywhere, however you feel is most helpful. you do belong here, even when you don't quite know your direction. sending a hug if it's ok

Not Alone · November 06, 2021, 06:14:56 PM

You do belong here and you are seen.

When I first joined, I clicked on "forum>recent unread topics." For awhile I didn't read in anyone's journal because I felt like I'd need to read 20 pages to catch up. Now I know that reading the last page or two of someone's journal would likely give me an understanding of what they were currently experiencing. I felt lost and overwhelmed at first also. From what others have said, I think that is pretty common. Now OOTS feels like "home" to me.

dollyvee · November 06, 2021, 07:55:20 PM

Hi pt and welcome

You don't have to tiptoe anywhere. I find the journals are good for just getting everything out. Truth be told I'm ok if it doesn't resonate with most ppl, but if resonates with someone that's ok too.

We're not here to judge you, but learn from each other.

I hope you find what you need here.

dolly