Further Adventures of Elpha

[Elphanigh]

Well, it has been a long week and I could really use some good thoughts and such.I started getting sick on Thursday and have now been sick for 6 days. I went to the doctor on Saturday because my symptoms were getting worse and felt kind of like bronchitis which I have had many times. However, there were a few symptoms that were not consistent with my usual illness. I got tested for Covid, of course. I am still waiting for the test results which I hope will be back today and hopefully be negative.  It has been a sort of difficult roller coaster, feeling well for a bit and then waking up feeling awful again the next day. Today seems like my symptoms are consistently better but my body is still exhausted and hurting from being sick for so long.  I have been quarantining away from my roommate mostly just in case because the nurse who has had covid before told me she was concerned because it sounded similar to her sickness. I will likely be okay either way but it is nerve wracking because it is a big deal especially for the people I have been around the last few weeks.

I have found triggers I did not know I had over the last few days. Especially around food and dependency on someone else. We had to modify how I was quarantining for the sake of my mental health otherwise I would not have been able to cope really. Hopefully I will get cleared today and not need to worry about that further but for now I just wait not so patiently for my phone to ring. 

[Blueberry]

 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Blueberry  I am just antsy to know

[sanmagic7]

i would be antsy, too.  here's hoping!  much love and a hug filled w/ anti-covid energy!

[woodsgnome]

   ...

[Not Alone]

Waiting for that test result would be stressful. I know there is no good time to be sick, but you are balancing so much in your life right now, it must be even more difficult. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you all 

I am grateful to say my test results came back negative last night. It is good to be just normal sick because I can focus on just healing myself physically. The emotional toll was massive not knowing. I found triggers I didn't know I had. Now I can recover from it.

Here's to rest while trying to catch up on homework....

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
I am so glad to hear your result was ok.  Sending you another hug, and hope you enjoy some rest, as well as catching up with your homework.   
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Hope 

I have elected to skip my 6 hours of class today so that I can rest and do homework rather than lose any chance of rest that I have for the day. My body and emotions both need me to rest and take the time to feel better. I can watch the recorded lectures this weekend when I feel stronger.

Honestly, I not only have to recover physically from being sick (still very much ill today) but also from the emotional toll it took. I found triggers I didn't know I had and found ones I knew I had are stronger than I realized. When faced with some of this I was so triggered and afraid.. It was so emotionally painful and exhausting on top of my physical exhaustion.

One I found but did not know I had was a strong trigger surrounding access to food. Originally I was going to quarantine more fully from my roommate and have her bring me food and such. That was, within the first two hours, super triggering and not okay. I could not mentally handle it. Like being a little kid who had no control over anything. I knew I had food issues but man that brought them out so strongly.... I trust my roommate with everything but apparently that was too much. We altered how I was quarantining to make sure I did not have to contend with that at least. It was still difficult as I did not feel like I could or wanted to eat much while sick (I still don't because my body is still just doing its best. Lots of soup and liquids).

The one I found was stronger than I thought was being reminded how it feels to have the well-being and life of others on my shoulders. I spent so much of my life being told my actions and obedience made sure that the people I loved and cared for were safe. If I didn't do or act as needed those around me could have gotten hurt or been killed.. at least I was told that and did a couple of times witness people getting hurt after I didn't do as asked. So I spent my life with that weight on my shoulders... with that fear.. _I was triggered right back to that because of all of this. Feeling like because I potentially had covid and could hurt those around me just by existing was terrifying and guilt creating... I cried so many tears over this because I so deeply needed connection but felt so bad for just existing in my own home.

Now I find that I need to take what control I can find in my life right now. I have felt so out of control for a week that I need to claim back what I can. Right now, that is focusing on getting caught up on school and choosing to rest as well. I can control (mostly) my ability to heal physically from being ill. I can also control that I am slowly working on my school work to try to eventually get caught up. Hoping for the understanding of my professors and trying to give myself as much grace as I can. I am a little worried I will need to take an incomplete for one of my classes this semester. It is not a huge deal as we have two months of winter break and I could probably do the work in about two weeks. However, the professor that teaches the class leaves at the semesters end so I am not sure how or who would grade the left over work. I imagine the department head or someone close to the professor. I have never once taken an incomplete in a class.. so I am not exactly sure how it works either but I know it would not be the end of the world.

I got this.. it just feels like a lot when my body still just wants to sleep. 

[sanmagic7]

   for you my darling friend.  lots of love, too with healing vibes heading your way.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear  I am beginning to feel better. I am on day 9 of being sick but primarily an obnoxious cough and sore throat now. Emotioanlly I have a ways to go but it will just take time. I will write more soon. Lots of love you you San 

[Elphanigh]

Okay, I feel like I can write more. Today has been good because I chose to rest instead of push myself. My body and mind have both needed rest. I deserve rest and self-care even when I have obligations. This semester seems to have been one rough thing after another but I am about 3 weeks from the end of it. Rest today and the last 9 days will hopefully mean I can finish these three weeks out strong.

Now for the emotional stuff...

It is harder to talk about how much it sucks to have felt like I did this week. I have not felt like having that much of a breakdown in a while. I remembered what it felt like to be that scared little girl this week and I hated it... Honestly, as a kid I don't think I ever fully felt that because I couldn't. It was not safe to feel like a scared little girl so I learned to tuck all of those into the back of my mind and hide them. I have learned to feel them in therapy and slowly process through inner child work and emdr etc.. Getting triggered into them is vastly different and I never want to feel that way again. I don't think I get a choice in the matter though.

It scares me to feel like that again... to have to quarantine by myself and feel that scared. Now that those feelings have been triggered it isn't as if they just disappear because the danger is gone. I know they exist and now fear them some. I never want to feel that small and terrified again. I know it is a valid feeling and important to feel through it so it heals... but man it is terrifying. I am so brave in my healing journey, facing my darkest demons and daring to share the unshareable.. but I still hesitate and stumble when it is big feelings that are truly uncomfortable.

Feeling through fear has always been one of the most difficult things to do in healing for me. I grew up seeing fear as my greatest weakness; it never served me. My fears made things worse or harder. I have this little 5 year old part of me that is fearless. Her job was to do the hard things and make the hard decisions that none of the other parts of me could. She was my fearless part. The part of me that could step in when I needed to not be afraid, no matter what I was faced with. She was/is the part of me that could stop my fears and endure even the most horrific of things. She kept me and others alive. That is a giant job for a 5 year old and it was learned from my abusers truly. She learned their voices, habits, expectations, etc.. and performed all of them to a tee. Without that I would never have survived.

Under that though, is this little 4 year old who is terrified of everything. Who is a reminder of how scary my life was and how scary it still can be sometimes. She is  the reminder to be cautious because so much harm can come to me and others. She needs nurtured and protected because she carries my fear and no one should ever have to hold of that.

Anyways... I did not have long to type because I have a call but is good to type some of this out.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing and teaching me how to walk my journey.  I hope you find some ease and that the rest of your semester goes as smooth as it can.   

[Elphanigh]

Rainydiary, I am so glad that sharing my journey helps you along yours. It is honestly a big hope of mine that sharing my journey helps others with theirs.  I really hope I find that ease as well, thank you 

[sanmagic7]

dearest el, it is amazing to me how those fears can pop up, then be assigned to something that happened so long ago.  i don't exactly know when i became fearless, but it lasted thru most of my life.  well done, you, for acknowledging it and tracing it back to where it belongs.  these are survival mechanisms, indeed.  so very glad you made it thru.

and it's so hard to realize you only have a few weeks to go, but even then, congrats to you for taking that time off to rest your body and mind. i, too, have discovered that when i do the same, the benefits are tenfold.  really makes a difference. so, we keep learning, getting better at how to process this and take care of ourselves, and you are a shining example of the phrase 'from surviving to thriving'.   

much love, my dear.  i'm so very happy for you, my heart is smiling right now.