Further Adventures of Elpha

[Elphanigh]

San your words always bring me joy and warmth, thank you    It is difficult to trace it back, the feelings that is. I never became fearless but I learned to shove it away and not feel it. My fear got tucked into the little back corner of my mind and it has slowly been showing itself and allowing me to feel it. I know that means it is safe and I am strong enough for it, but man it is difficult. I do not like to be reminded of the fear that comes with feeling powerless. I have claimed so much power in my adult life by choosing for myself things I love. I have drawn boundaries, taken chances, started growing a career that is mine, and created a home in myself. I took my choice and my power back. However, there is still, and always will be, things in this life I have no control over. Things that will be scary and cause fear. I just have to learn to have a healthier relationship with fear. Not sure how to do that yet  I am determined to figure it out though.

Unfortunately, I am on day 11 of being sick. It is primarily a cough and some sinus symptoms now. I feel like it has morphed between several different illnesses and I am just running the course of all of them. It feels more manageable today though. I have given my body a lot of time to rest but now I need to get work done. After I type this I am off to work on homework as much as my mind and body can manage today. It will be a long week but I am determined. YOu are very right when you said that the time off to rest gives benefits in tenfold. I know that to be true. I am not sure how much I am "thriving" but I know that is just because I am in the thick of the end of the semester during a global pandemic right before a pivotal election... so I feel the stress more than the thriving part.

Sending you so much love my dear friend 

[Blueberry]

So glad the test turned out negative! I wish you a good recovery from whatever it is you have atm

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much Blueberry  I am back to my internship today with all of the kids. It is an intense day but I am very glad to be back. I do feel like my body is slowly recovering. Today feels stronger than I have so that is a plus.

[woodsgnome]

Just something I want to say, Elphanigh.

I'm a bit tired right now to try and search out the exact quote, but I recall that you recently wrote something hinting that if sharing any parts of your story here has encouraged others, you hope it's been for good, that your story might prove useful to others feeling trapped in the horror movie that is c-ptsd.

No question, that 'if' part is inoperative -- your story has  touched others on this forum. How do I know? I'm one of those 'others' you've touched and in the process planted the idea that hope exists, even in the darkest of times.

Thank you. 

[Elphanigh]

Woodsgnome, thank you for taking the time to tell me that. It makes a world of difference to know my story has already touched people. I love to inspire hope in others because hope is such a powerful feeling. It opens so many doors and keeps us going.  I forget that just by being me I bring hope to others. It does not always feel like it because I do not always believe I do anything particularly special or different. I just work hard to heal and to help others where I can. It is just part of who I am and not something I necessarily think about as special or different because it never occurred to me to do any differently.

At times, I have also felt pressure from it because I know how human I am. I have awful days, weeks, and even months. Times where I don't feel hopeful and even feel a little lost sometimes. I am starting to realize being authentic in those moments is just as important and powerful as the times I am able to be authentically hopeful and on top of my game. It shows my humanness and strength to be authentic at the times it is hardest.


Okay, change of subject because I need to put these thoughts somewhere. If you don't want to read worries about the state of the US or politics today tune out now. I just have a lot of worries and fears attached to the outcome of today and to the following weeks.


I have not yet voted because I was unable to early vote or get a mail-in ballot so I am going this afternoon when I get done with clients. There is a part of me that fears what may or may not take place at polling sites this year. I know how much division and violence there has already been so it worries a piece of me. Not only for myself but for those around me an even more those who I care deeply about that are in bigger, more populace places than myself. I also worry about what is to come. No matter which side wins there will be an uproar and it scares me to think what that will look like. After seeing the protests and violence this summer it is scary to think about what is coming after this. I of course know where I want the results to fall but I do believe either way things are not going to be pretty for several weeks at very least. It is scary to think about. There is some real basis to that fear and knowledge that it is not just my anxiety or hypervigilance or catasrophizing..

To add to that, my rights and the rights of people I care deeply about are on that ballot today... and tomorrow they will be in the supreme court which wants to take them away. I am scared to watch as my rights and the rights of others could get stripped away simply because we are different... because we don't fit their picture of what people should be and act like. I am scared that I will lose my right to marry, to safely get healthcare, to rent or buy apartments, to adopt, and even to work.... I am scared for people that will be even more affected that I am. I recognize I do have a few privileged positions in my life and that I will not be as deeply impacted as others so I am scared for them... for the division that just seems to be growing stronger. It scares me to think how much fighting we will have to do no matter what happens today...

So here I am, trying to go about my day with clients. Trying to manage my own anxieties and fears and overwhelm to keep benefiting the kids I see today. KNowing that I cannot watch the results too closely as the day goes or I will create unnecessary anxiety for myself and potentially for my clients. It will all be okay at some point but I don't know how long it will be until it is. I just have to have hop in the goodness in people that I want to believe is in all of us somewhere. I have to believe that kindness and compassion will win out at some point. That fear and anger will not always be what dominates the world's decisions.

[Blueberry]

Thinking of you and hoping in the goodness of people too. I'm not checking any news either today though I am much, much less impacted than you. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Blueberry  I am glad to know you are not checking the news much today either. It will be a tough few days of new reading for sure. I am intent on focusing on school and self care through this time.

[Elphanigh]

So I feel a lot of things about life right now. It is a lot of things but mainly I am going to type about the difficulties with the doctors and such right now. I confirmed last week that I did need surgery and this morning I picked a date for it. I am scheduled for surgery on December 1st (less than a month!), and the pre-op stuff is scheduled even earlier than that. I know that surgery is going to help in the long run but man it is scary to go through. It will be okay and it will mean a lot of good things in the long run but it is difficult to cope with it at this moment. I got the call while I was in between clients this morning and just instantly felt anxious and nauseous. That has mostly passed as I have seen 4 clients since but still sort of stressful. I have known I needed it for a while but having a date feels very real. It feeling real can be really scary.

Then of course I am due for a yearly physical anyways.. there is a female-specific part of that physical that I have always avoided because of my history and I am trying to go through with it this time because I need to. It is really scary for me, like super triggering, but I will make it through and it will be again good for me in the long run.

Doctors have never been my favorite and I have spent so much time with them this year it is awful... I know it is me taking care of myself and that is healthy but man I am over it...

Anyways, I need to leave it at that as I do have clients and this is my lunch break... 

[Elphanigh]

I processed some really heavy stuff in therapy while doing EMDR last night. It is good to be processing stuff and not just doing crisis management in a session. I think the last few months have just been one awful thing to another that has made each session just crisis management of some sort.

I was doing EMDR on the feeling of fear that 4 year old me carries. Her image of fear was her sitting in a completely black room, surrounded by nothingness (not so much as a piece of furniture in the room), and she was curled up against a wall completely alone. The beliefs were "I am alone" and "I am worthless", they connected so we went with two instead of just one. As processing occurred, ash began to fall in that picture (kind of watching it evolve and move like a tv), that ash felt like it represented loss for me. It made a blanket of ash on the floor with me just stuck there. 4 year old me told me it was really hard because the darkness felt like it had so many people in it but they just came crushing in on her and she was alone with all of it.. that she felt like that normally growing up. It was, and still is, very heavy. The little 4 year old in the picture was still stuck in it when I finished my session but the feelings were much less intense. It did seem that the little one was stuck in the picture and unable to move because she didn't see that she was capable of getting out or that she deserved to.. it is difficult to know even a 4 year old version of myself did not feel like I deserved to not feel that way and couldn't see a way out. I have seen a way out now and know that I never deserved those feelings.

This all begun with the fears around me getting sick again and the feelings that came up when I had to quarantine away from everyone. That was obviously a super triggering thing for me and has shown me fears I didn't know I still had. I know I will process them and do all I can to help the younger parts of me. It can just be heavy.

Work with clients can also be heavy. I think I am learning how to not take and carry some of the weight or the chaotic energy that my child clients bring to session with them. It takes practice to hold those feelings for them and to not take even a tiny piece with me. I am learning what works fo me to shake that off and only carry my own stuff. Ever an evolving process of being a professional. I even called myself a play therapist aloud today, like just kind of slipped out. It is weird to realize I kind of am that. I see my clients on my own right now and have hundreds of hours of training and practice in play therapy (not to mention the training and hours I have in just normal therapy skills). I am accomplished as far as training goes for someone that is still in school. 6 months from now I will fully be a professional and it blows my mind still..

[Not Alone]

Elpha, I have warm, caring feelings for the four year old. I know that in time you will find a way for her to be in a bright, safe place.

[rainydiary]

Elpha, my 4 year self experienced similar darkness and loneliness.  I send your 4 year old self light and comfort. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both  My 4 year old really appreciate the light and comfort, Rainy. I am really hopeful I will find a way for her to be in a bright and warm place, notalone. I know she needs to process that dark place before she fully can be so I will be with that 4 year old as she feels through it.

[Elphanigh]

I haven't been back to type in about a week, and what a week it has been. It is essentially finals week right now, only we also have three days next week. I believe that being perpetually exhausted is becoming a personality trait of mine 

Hoenstly, I am proud of how I am managing all of the school work, clients, medical stuff, and survivor stuff. It is not perfect but I have found that I am handling this in a more healthy way than I would have previously. I am able to prioritize me trying to sleep, self-care (in small doses), and enjoy some fun activities. This is by no means perfect, there are moments I choose work over self-care and start to feel overwhelmed (even though I know if I focus on one piece at a time I am calmer and more efficient). I have to still give myself credit for doing better than I used to and having learned to choose my own well being over things like my grades and the perceptions of those around me. That being said I am maintaining my grades and the people around me praise me but I care less about those things than I do about my own well being.

My trauma stuff has been pretty heavy. I am worried about medical stuff which is always triggering for me. I have had a few small triggers and of course I had all of the months of stuff that is built up from the last few months of difficulties and progress. It has been such an exhausting semester to manage my trauma and everything else but I have managed it and will finish it soon.

I am currently working on processing some control difficulties. I have a few things that have been triggered due to feeling like I have or will have a lack of control in ways that remind me of other times in my life. I have had to face a ton of csa memories and feelings... I will likely continue to do so but hoping I can work a little deeper over my Christmas break to feel more solid for next semester.

I know none of this is detailed but for now it is all I have the energy to type. I have much more in my head but that is for a later moment. I am off to finish a paper and a presentation in the next 5 hours...then for surgery pre-op stuff in the morning...

[Not Alone]

 

[Elphanigh]

 

Thank you, Notalone. I needed that hug more than anything else recently.