Further Adventures of Elpha

  • 270 Replies
  • 9120 Views
*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 7291
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #15 on: July 29, 2020, 01:36:04 PM »
i smiled so much at reading what you wrote, my dear.   ;D

i get it about the therapist side and the client side, how the dynamic goes, what you're able to see as a t but not necessarily when you're in the midst of your own issues.  same for me.  i've told my t that when i'm in client mode, i need her to do the therapy thinking for me.  while i'd be able to do it for someone else when i'm in t mode, it just doesn't work the same for myself.  can't think thru the emotional impact.

it's so cool to think of you sitting in your office in a year - wowser!  o my my, what a journey you've made, and how much you've accomplished while on it.  and it's not over yet!  keep taking care of you, ok?  i know it's not always easy, but do the best you can.  much love, and a hug filled with recovery. :hug:

*

Elphanigh

  • Member
  • 2751
    • View Profile
Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #16 on: July 29, 2020, 04:43:24 PM »
Glad you smiled at that. My t explained to me that she has her therapist part go sit in an office she has visualized in her head during her sessions. She has to seperate the part in sessions much like I do. I can't therapize myself and I have to let go of judgment of that otherwise I get stuck. I know so much about traum, the body, how to adjust feelings and patterns but I can't always do that for myself. We need help of others to sort this stuff out so we can sort stuff out for others. I find I can't be in my emotions like I need to be if I am in my therapist brain, at least not in the way I need to be for trauma work on my stuff.

It is a tremendous journey and I have so much more on it. I get to start working with kids in a month and do play therapy (I already have some intense hours of training in it). I am getting my emdr training in the fall and doing some work in IFS and sensorimotor. My classes will be super hands on as well. Plus I have gotten to learn so much about changing systems to be teauma informed and healthy. It is great. I am excited for all thay I can try to absorb. It is super challenging and stressful at times but worth it.

I will keep taking care of me, and always will. It has taken a lot of practice and patience.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 7291
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #17 on: July 29, 2020, 06:52:30 PM »
you are simply amazing! :hug:

*

Elphanigh

  • Member
  • 2751
    • View Profile
Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #18 on: July 29, 2020, 10:27:51 PM »
Thank you dear  :hug: I wish I felt that way today. I guess I felt it for a little while but am not back to hurt and guilty unfortunately. It will pass but I think it will take some processing to do that which just takes time. I went to schedule with my first T for next week so I did not have a gap week between sessions and immediately felt guilty for taking up her time or taking her away from someone else that needs her.. I felt guilty for falling back on that relationship just because it is easier for me. I guess guilty for just taking up space and time even with people who I know want me there..

*

notalone

  • Member
  • 2658
    • View Profile
Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #19 on: July 29, 2020, 11:46:49 PM »
 :hug:

*

Elphanigh

  • Member
  • 2751
    • View Profile
Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #20 on: July 30, 2020, 06:04:22 PM »
I think all of this is hard because not only am I carrying the new wave of trauma but I am also carrying the weight of feeling like I failed everyone (myself included). I feel like I slipped back and by doing so have failed the people I give hope to and the people that care about me the most. I have known for a while that my PTSD diagnosis is back with a vengence. I will find out a little more fully on Tuesday when I formally redo those assessments, but as a furture clinician I know those scales well and I know what they will say. That feels like failure on my part. It is hard to be the person who exudes hope and possibility when I slide back.. or when I am naive enough to think it was possible not to. It feels like I failed to hold this stuff well enough to not lside back to those symptoms more, like I failed the people who celebrated that win with me.. because I couldn't keep that win. I couldn't be strong enough to hold it all well enough. I become needy and difficult. I need more help and reassurance than usual and I certainly do not exude the little symbol of hope and light that people make me out to be sometimes. I love that I can be that for people but it comes with a great deal of pressure and my trauma tells me I have failed that. It tells me I am not worthy of what others think of me. I carry the extra weight of my trauma telling me I will disappoint people that I don't deserve them because I fell back, because I cannot be that light all the time... because I am not strong enough to be.  I wish I was  :fallingbricks: :disappear:

*

notalone

  • Member
  • 2658
    • View Profile
Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #21 on: July 30, 2020, 07:10:09 PM »
Not being a clinician, I don't care too much about what a measurement says. I do know that the progress you made was real and true progress. I continue to celebrate that with you. Part of the beast of trauma is that sometimes it comes at unexpected times and with a vengeance. As much as it feels awful, where you are at is okay. No need to be on a pedestal or to be completely healed (whatever that means). I will speak for myself and say that you don't need to be a symbol of light, you are free to be you, wherever you are at.

I have just started dealing with a heavy issue in therapy. I asked why it was still an issue because decades ago I did ____, _____, ______ to deal with it. My therapist asked me if I had a sense of why. My answer: "Because I failed." As you can imagine, he didn't like that answer.  :rofl: He said that for some reason part of me was needing help and needing to be freed.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with these painful issues, but you are not doing anything wrong by being in a place of hurt and need.

*

Elphanigh

  • Member
  • 2751
    • View Profile
Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #22 on: July 31, 2020, 06:30:26 PM »
Notalone, I do not have many words today as I am super worn out but thank you. That meant a lot and was a good source of compassion and support for me yesterday  :hug:

*

Elphanigh

  • Member
  • 2751
    • View Profile
Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #23 on: August 05, 2020, 07:38:55 PM »
Now that the semester is done (ended Monday for me) and that my move is well under way I can update a little more here. This week has been super hard but I feel like I am slightly coming out of it. Realizing that people have so much love and hope for me, even if I do feel more of my symptoms right now. I am under immense stress and have had several triggers lately so it makes sense it is a difficulty. I am still getting school work done, moving, and being a friend. I am reminded that the unconditional love I give to others also comes back to me from them. I am lucky to have wonderful people in my life that support me no matter what. People that have supported me from the first time I met them and will continue to. It is easy sometimes to forget those friendships and relationships are not conditional like others I have had in the past. It is difficult sometimes to not be waiting for the other shoe to drop still but I am reminded regularly that I don't need to fear that.

I have been doing a lot of processing work and inner child work recently. There are a few more littles (that is what I call my inner children) that I have met and made connections with. It is always a complicated process but I know it will help. I have also started doing emdr again which is going to help immensely. EMDR always takes a great chunk of energy from me but it is worth the level of processing it allows me to do with the deep feelings. I have bee working through grief, fear, guilt, and anger all at once. Along with some pretty powerful memories it is a challenge and has certainly meant a few truly painful weeks but I am making it and always will.

Even here I am being vague because sometimes it is easier to just give an overview rather than to dive in. I am moving apartments this weekend but have a therapy session tomorrow to work on more processing. I am getting a deep dive during sessions and studying trauma work so I can't always write her as intensely and I don't need to today. Updating feels like enough right now so I am going to listen to that.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 7291
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #24 on: August 05, 2020, 09:58:51 PM »
 :hug:

*

Elphanigh

  • Member
  • 2751
    • View Profile
Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #25 on: August 05, 2020, 11:51:48 PM »
:bighug:

Thank you dear, a hug is exactly what I need. It is a ton of work even though I know it will be good in the long run.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 7291
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #26 on: August 06, 2020, 05:45:17 PM »
it IS a ton of work.  i've just had to remind myself how much energy that processing takes out of me, even when it seems to go smoothly.  i did 2 emdr rounds in 4 days, and, like you say, altho i know it winds up better in the end, it's still something to get thru, both time and energy wise.

love and hugs to you, sweetie.  you're pullin' a heavy load right now!   :hug: :hug: :hug:

*

Hope67

  • Member
  • 2786
    • View Profile
Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #27 on: August 07, 2020, 12:47:09 PM »
Hi Elpha,
You are doing a ton of work there.  I would like to give you another big hug  :bighug:
I admire all that you're doing, and wish you the best with everything.
Hope  :)

*

Elphanigh

  • Member
  • 2751
    • View Profile
Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #28 on: August 12, 2020, 09:26:53 PM »
Thank you both :bighug:

So much has happened since that day and I do not have the energy to write much for now but all is well. I am learning so much and processing it all like crasy. I have moved apartments as well and am soaking that adventure in as I go. Anyways I will update more when I have napped a little bit.

*

Elphanigh

  • Member
  • 2751
    • View Profile
Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #29 on: August 13, 2020, 08:49:27 PM »
The adventure continues and I think I can write a little more here today before going off to unpack boxes.

So much has occurred since Monday (and really over the last month). Monday I explored some new repressed memories, which is always tough. I did better than I was afraid I would and there comes some freedom with knowing and not just guessing them. It is hard and I have a lot of feelings about them but I know I can handle them because I have always handled them as they come. I can see all the support I have in my life and all of my own strength for the first time in a while. I have faith in me, I have missed that.

Today I am still soaking in a lightbulb moment that I had yesterday. I uttered the words "I get to choose" to a friend of mine while talking about this stuff and in saying it something clicked. In the moment I just felt it shift, like a whole new world of sorts. I have known logically that I get to choose so much in my life now but it is different to have the in body experience of it. Like I can trust myself to choose me. I know I will always choose me first never second again. I get to choose safety, love, compassion, acceptance, and so much more in my life. So much of my healing has been coming to terms with the fact I had no choices back then, at least not ones I thought I did. This feels like it takes all of that and accepts it because now I can choose better. I grew up in constant fear and chaos but I no longer live in those two things. I have gotten o choose to heal and to find cultivate such a beautiful life. Nothing gets to take that from me and nothing or anyone is capable of taking that from me. I couldn't choose then but damn I can choose now.

I choose me, every time. I choose to accept the hurt parts of me, to heal them and walk that path even if it is hard. I choose to find safety and peace in my life. Even more I will always choose to bring light and hope into the world where I can. I trust myself to do all of those things and so much more. I know that is not always easy and it probably never will be but for the first time in my life I don't think I fear it because I trust myself, I trust the relationships I have built in my life and the ones I will build. I have come so far from that chaos and built so much for myself. No one or anything can take that progress away.

So I choose me, with every up and down that brings.

I cannot explain how that feels exactly. It is an in body experience that is difficult to name but it is freeing and powerful. Puts me in tears everytime I think to much about it and certainly typing it here. I know I can choose good and that is full of so much power and hope. Dare I say it even brings joy with it? Days after having repressed stuff come up this is not at all what I expected but it is like I have stepped past a wall I have been banging on for months. I have been spinning wheels since June and I needed to get here I think. It just took so much time and now I get to move forward with that knowledge. Choosing to keep healing and growing.

Okay, I am going to go cry now and then unpack boxes