Further Adventures of Elpha

[Elphanigh]

  Thank you for pointing that out. I am so glad it is positive and inspiring. I realize that I could have never envisioned where I would manage to go in my healing journey. I had no concept of what was possible.

[sanmagic7]

this vocation is indeed an education all along the way.  there's so much more to it than what we learn in books.  i think it can help our minds continue to be flexible, interested, and stimulated.  it's certainly never boring!

so proud of you and the work you've done to get here.  honestly, still, a light to lead the way, to inspire, to help heal.  you are doing so great!  much love always, and a hug filled with a bouquet of lilies and daffodils to help nurture EMS.  she's always there for you.   

[Elphanigh]

Awe, the reminder of EMS is always so wonderful. Lilies are my favorite 

There is certainly never a dull day, hardly a dull moment. It is an adventure to always been learning and sort of piecing together puzzles along the way.

I am always so glad that you are part of my journey in all of this. Sending so much love my dear. 

[Elphanigh]

Well, it has been a couple of weeks. Last was really tough if I am honest. Sometimes this stuff can still hit hard and send me spinning for a bit. I am always so grateful for my therapist who is so helpful and willing to get into the work with me. There were multiple sessions we spent sitting on the floor of her office because it was better for my ability to connect with what needed to be done. She continues to show me safety when my mind struggles with it. For the first time ever, I was able to voice a memory with all of the details fully through. In the 8 ish years I have been healing, I have never been able to voice all of the details of a memory. I have always skipped the details of the sexual abuse and sometimes skipped some of the worst of the physical abuse. This time I did neither.. having someone sitting on the floor with me just holding that space made it possible (that and lots of years of healing). I am not sure if I will share more of them all the way through, I might or might not. For now, celebrating that as a victory for me. Nothing bad happened, the world did not implode, and my therapist still looks at me the same way she ever has. Good has come out of it, instead of the bad that I always feared.

I had a new repressed memory come up in a therapy session (many of us know how difficult those can be). It sent me spinning for about four days, three of which my therapist saw me to help. I then spent another three days processing on my own while being a full-time therapist (somehow I am still capable of both). All of that said, I feel like myself again and we did some powerful work during my normally scheduled session this week. I am so grateful to have a therapist who is so willing to help and shows me the kind of therapist I want to be.

I am back to feeling like myself, able to do clinical work with clients this week, help host a charity event, have a date (yes, I have been dating for about a month and am so glad to be having some fun in my personal life), and do my normal volunteering. It feels like a lot some days but I know even a few years ago I would not be back to my baseline so quickly. I also think I realize that my baseline was closer to the survival mode I spent those four days in for a long time. My baseline is no longer survival mode and those moments remind me of how far I have come. They also humble me... reminding me that I am not invincible and being a therapist doesn't magically mean nothing will ever send me spinning again. I knew that but sometimes a reminder happens anyways.

With lots of inner child work, somatic therapy, and emdr we turned a very violent and aggressive memory into one I can look at and not be overwhelmed by. It still makes me sad but I think this stuff will probably always make me sad..

[Elphanigh]

Last week added to the list of repressed memories that have resurfaced recently. I am managing this one a lot more effectively than I did the first one. I think partially because I remember how I worked through the one two weeks ago. Also, just that  I do not have all the details around this one yet. It helps to not know the whole thing yet. The part I know is painful but also more manageable because of all of the healing I have done over the years. It stings but I know I am capable of processing it.

I feel a great deal of grief around the memory. If I let myself, it is also possible to slip into guilt around this memory. I started talking about the guilt with my therapist last week so that is not super strong but it is still sort of lingering. I know my emotions will process through the guilt and catch up with what I know mentally. It will just take a bit of time. There is a part of me that also sort of thinks "of course that happened. you couldn't have been perfect and present all of the time". That part of me is more logical and is a bit of acceptance for the reality of my life. Hopefully that piece will grow stronger as I deal with the emotions and whatever pieces of that memory I continue to get back.

I hope one day there are not other things I do not know I don't know. Repressed memories are so tough because they are the things I don't know that I didn't know. Things I have no way of predicting or being aware of. I had hoped I was already clear of those but I am also not surprised that isn't the case.

For now, I manage the hurt and validate feelings while also living the rest of my life. It is a complicated balance as a therapist and human. I am dating again (that's a whole story, but it is healthy right now and I want to enjoy it even though this stuff is hard). I am enjoying my job, although my first time having a full case load feels like a lot. I am learning what it takes to self-care and manage everything I hear as well as the paperwork part of it. I find I can remain hopeful most days, despite the challenges which feels like progress.

[Armee]

If a hug were to feel welcome I've got one below.

I'm sorry a repressed or dissociated memory came up and surprised you. It's not fair there's more and you don't know when they will show up. The most upsetting things for me beside actual current threat to someone I love is when something comes up and I don't know what it means or when more will come.

You are doing a truly amazing job with processing things, and containing them so you can keep on with the present moment too. I would rather have a therapist who knows what it is like to try to manage real life through these unpredictable storms than one who tells me to just ground and be present without knowing how hard that is.

[Elphanigh]

Hugs are definitely welcome, Armee. 

Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I am managing everything the best I can. I am grateful for the strong support system I have that makes it possible to do all of it. It means a lot to hear you would rather have a therapist who knows directly how tough this stuff is.

[sanmagic7]

not knowing what we don't know - that is a huge statement, to my mind, and i'm experiencing some of that today.  totally empathizing with that.  here's love and a hug filled with care and support.

[Elphanigh]

Sending love and compassion right back at you 

I did get the rest of the second repressed memory back yesterday during therapy. It is tough but I am able to handle it. This weekend is pretty busy for me, lots of commitments with a wedding and such to attend. I am hopeful to be able to hold the emotional load and enjoy the things I have planned.

The memories that have come up are all about control, violence, and challenge my role in the past. It is an important set of things but my goodness it is heavy. I managed to cry last night with the help of a movie. I needed to cry and had not yet managed to do that. I sat last night crying because I know I deserved someone to protect me as much as I protected others. That was a thing that I never got and have to grieve even more than I already have. Also coming more to terms with the limits of my influence and control at the time.

[sanmagic7]

that's so huge, el.  awful stuff.  we've all needed protection and didn't get it. not only did you survive your experiences, i know you took on the extra job of protecting someone else - you were so brave and strong even at a young age.  my heart goes out to you.  i know this is difficult, but i'm also glad you were able to cry with grief about it.  sending love and a hug filled with compassion

[Blueberry]

elpha, you soo needed protection!

[Elphanigh]

 

Thank you both, sending hugs back!

I did take on so much in protecting other people. I have been recognizing how much I became a human shield in my life. I took on massive amounts of physical and emotional pain for years to shield others from it. I learned that the only thing that matter was the safety of the people I was protecting. I never mattered to myself during that time.. and if I did.. I mattered less than everyone else.

With that said, I know I would never change that. I would never allow someone else to get hurt in my place. That has never been a part of my instinct or who I am as a person.

I used to think I never fought back (or at least very little). However, I really fought back a lot. I fought for other people.. I worked to change situations and take power in a way that saved others. I didn't fight for myself but I did fight a lot for others. I was the fiercest protector anyone could have ever had. I was willing to take so much pain to ensure no one else experienced it.

I know that I needed and deserved someone to protect me. Not in the self-sacrificing way that I did it for others.. but in a way that saved me from having to make those sacrifices. I learned to be a human shield by the time I was 6.. I should never have needed to. Again, I would never choose differently but I wish I had a protector back then. I am learning to be a healthy protector for my inner children now, but I wish someone had been there before. There is a lot of grief that goes with that. It is a lot to take on and see. But at least now I see that I did fight and that I was so strong.. I just did it for others and not myself. My fight didn't look like it would typically look in a person and that is okay.

I definitely have more processing and tears ahead of me but it feels like progress to even be able to write all of this.

[BeeKeeper]

Elpha,

Thank you for writing  about your journey.

The memories that have come up are all about control, violence, and challenge my role in the past. It is an important set of things but my goodness it is heavy. I managed to cry last night with the help of a movie. I needed to cry and had not yet managed to do that. I sat last night crying because I know I deserved someone to protect me as much as I protected others. That was a thing that I never got and have to grieve even more than I already have. Also coming more to terms with the limits of my influence and control at the time.

Coming to terms with the limited of my influence and control are a "daily meditation" now, but it reduces the pain I feel for my GrSon.

Your writing the last post with this;

I know that I needed and deserved someone to protect me. Not in the self-sacrificing way that I did it for others.. but in a way that saved me from having to make those sacrifices.

really helps me make sense of all my sacrifices, which have disturbed and confused me. Your recovery and healing is allowing me to move forward with my own. Your work on and for yourself is my lighthouse.

[sanmagic7]

el, your courage and determination shine thru those realizations you've mentioned.  it's amazing how many layers there are to this stuff.  so much credit to you to keep on with this.  much love and a hug filled with care and compassion

[Elphanigh]

Beekeeper, I am so grateful to know that writing about my journey is also helpful for you. I

San, sending    and love your way. It has been a lot to handle these realizations but I know taking apart the layers gets me a little farther in my journey every day.