Further Adventures of Elpha

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #30 on: August 19, 2020, 08:44:57 PM »
Classes have fully started today (I have 9 hours of class today, am about 4 hours or so into those). 

This week has been a whirlwind of a week. Finishing the move (new apartment is great), having the lightbulb moment and shift that I talked about in my last post. I have those repressed memories come  up, I got more detail the other night as well. I spent time sitting with some pretty horrific sexual abuse memories and details. It is difficult to explain as they are the middle pieces of some of my memories. I normally remember the beginning and end really well and maybe other small moments but a lot of my memories blur the middle part. Like I can tell when I dissociated because there are bits I don't remember well. Those middle pieces tend to be the specific sexual abuse details. I do have many memories where that middle piece is and has always been very detailed but others they do just blur.

So the memories that I sat with were those middle pieces.. some of the hardest and most painful parts of my memories.

I am hating so much that what is coming up and needs processed is sexual trauma. It is something I am capable of processing and holding but it can be extremely heavy. Ecspecially as I am in grad school full time and trying to learn to care for others. I have been spending at least 2 hours a week doing therapy, generally more. I am grateful to be doing those things just also tired from it as well.

In addition to this, I started medication again yesterday. I have not done that in almost 4 years, and they always make me nerous. I am hopeful they will help with sleep and to take the edge off of my anxiety and depression. Although, I do not want it to numb me either. That balance may be hard and it may turn out to be a bad experiment but I am curious and hoping it will help.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #31 on: August 20, 2020, 04:55:09 AM »
hoping along with you, dearest el, that your new meds are just what you need.  good luck w/ school - i hope it goes smoothly for you.

my heart's with you, as well as ems, while you're processing those memories.  much love and a hug filled with care :bighug:

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #32 on: August 20, 2020, 01:58:45 PM »
Thank you dear friend  :hug: I am hopeful for meds and school to go smoothly. So far so good but only day two.

I am glad you and ems are right with me as I am processing. This stuff is hard but I keep getting little break through moments so I know it is working. It makes it more possible to know I'm not alone

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sanmagic7

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #33 on: August 21, 2020, 02:38:06 PM »
i feel the same way, about processing this stuff knowing i'm not out there hanging by myself.  keep up the good work, dearie.  love and hugs :hug:

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #34 on: August 21, 2020, 02:47:51 PM »
Glad you feel the same way.

Today has already started off sort of rough. My roommate and I both failed our health checks at work so I am currently not allowed to work, go to school, or my internship until we both come back negative for covid. This morning was the second time I have gotten the test and believe me it does not feel good at all. I have been potentially exposed like 4 or 5 times now and that is only the times I know of.. I feel a bit defeated but am trying to keep the axiety at bay. I am also trying to look at it as an opportunity to take time to unpack and rest at home this weekend since I will not be working this weekend. I should know on Monday or Tuesday at the very latest so I sit at home and hope. I worry because I do have small symptoms of it but know those could be attributed to a million different things. I also have just gotten off too lucky having not had it or had anyone I know directly have it.

Anyways I am going to enjoy some coffee and down time this morning.

I keep getting new layers and break throughs with the processing stuff. Like I was finally able to entertain the idea that it is possible that I will not have to ever go through that type of abuse again. I used to have that belief and it was knocked away a year and a half ago (how on earth has it been that long?). I know I cannot promise it with certainty to myself or the younger parts of self but I can recognize it is possible again. That sounds comforting but it hasn't been because of all the other processing of feelings going on.


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sanmagic7

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #35 on: August 21, 2020, 04:53:29 PM »
yeah, not only processing all those other feelings, but add the worry and anxiety of being sick on top of it, and you have a heavy load to carry.  so very sorry to hear this, tho.  my hub has gotten thru to the other side of it, and am hoping and praying the same for you.  please rest, be kind and gentle to yourself.  much love and a hug filled with healing :hug:

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Blueberry

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #36 on: August 21, 2020, 07:16:06 PM »
Elpha, I have been reading your Journal but not commenting. I think you're doing great! :cheer:  I really hope you don't have covid! I like the way you're turning this weekend into a bit of down time and/or processing time. I'm sure you could do with that, with the amount of things going on healing-wise and otherwise in your life.  :hug: :hug:

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #37 on: August 21, 2020, 08:26:57 PM »
Thank you both :bighug:

San, I am not super sick right now and have hopes no matter what the test result is that I will not ever get super sick. I am glad your husband has made it to the other side :hug: It does feel like I am carrying a load too heavy for one person right now and trying to hold it with as much grace and strength as I can.

BB, it is so good to hear from you :hug: I am grateful that you have been reading, it always helps to know that my words are heard. I deeply hope I do not have covid, I am not sure what the outcome of the test will be but I am hopeful. I have spent most of the day resting today and am now doing some unpacking. I am sure this weekend will be down time and processing as needed. There is a ton in my life on all fronts so I am balancing my energy as much as I can.

I wanted to write more here but I find that I do not have a great deal of energy today. So rest where I can and I will write when I have a little more energy

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #38 on: August 22, 2020, 03:31:22 PM »
A day and night of rest did me some good. I feel more capable of doing the things I am used to. Things are heavy so sometimes pause is necessary, they feel less heavy today because I took some time away and then to lighten them yesterday. I am processing a great deal of hurt and grief surrounding all f the SA I endured which is a big lift. I know that previously I have addressed some of it but I needed to work past some of the attachment difficulties and the coping mechanisms that came out of it before I could fully get to the core of that hurt. It does feel like I am getting at the core of the hurt. I think this because of the lightbulb moments I have and how I am getting more of my memories and details back. It feels like this is such a deep central wound. I was betting on the wall around it for so long and I am getting somewhere with it. Honestly, this feels worse than banging against that wall because it means feeling the deep ache and learning to live with it as I go through it. I know that it is progress though and that I have a great support system to help me work through it.

My body was used so many times as an object and I in theory have come to terms with that but I think there is left over pain there. I can know that none of that was my fault, that now I have a choice and I didn't then. Unfortuantely, that leaves me with the grief and betrayal to process. When I no longer blame myself or feel guilt, I feel shame and hurt. I will break through both of those with a lot of self-love and compassion. I am finding it requires warmth and kindness rather than my usual stubborn bang on the wall approach. I dive into everything head first generally but this needs so much more of a gentle touch. It reminds me to channel EMS more and to feel frustration at it less. It comes back to choosing acceptance  for myself and finding peace in that. I know that sounds kinda generic and insincere sometimes but from me it is sincere. It goes back to the way I feel when I truly do yoga in a spiritual way and back to the feelings I have when I am able to truly comfort the inner child part of me and give them what they need. There is a warmth and hope in those feelings that are, I think, what will help me heal my shame and grief.

Anyways it helps to write here again. I always have a lot on my mind right now and this is a good space to get them out.

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rainydiary

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #39 on: August 22, 2020, 04:22:23 PM »

My body was used so many times as an object

This part of what you wrote really struck me.  I often feel that way too and it is so odd to occupy a body that often doesn’t feel like my own.  Thank you for sharing your story here.

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #40 on: August 22, 2020, 05:26:12 PM »
I am glad what I shared could resonate with you. It is difficult to feel that way.  :hug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #41 on: August 22, 2020, 06:52:52 PM »
that same thought struck a chord with me as well, rainy, but it was my mind and heart being used and abused, rather than my body.  some major differences, true, but the idea of being used as a tool for someone else's pleasure or purpose rang a bell for me. :hug:

el, i'm just glad you have this place to write some of this out, get it out of you and leave it here.  kindness and patience, my friend.  please, continue to rest and take time for healing if you're sick.  so very sorry you're going thru so much at the moment.  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #42 on: August 22, 2020, 09:34:13 PM »
San, sending hugs  :hug: I can understand it from the mind and heart standpoint as well. There are differences but those both cause painful wounds. I am glsd this rings a bell although wish it didn't.

I do have good news on that front we got our tests back much earlier than expect and they are negative so I am Covid free. I am still unwell but manageable and I am grateful for a negative test.

It is great to write and leave it here as I need to. Knowing it can be somewhere and I can come back to it when I need to is comforting.  Kindness and patience has become a mantra for me at times.

I have taken time to rest and continue to take things slowly as I need to. Sending love and hugs

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woodsgnome

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #43 on: August 23, 2020, 12:19:07 AM »
Thanks for your recent really wise reflections (e.g. noticing the abuse starts/end points but not the middle -- it's the same with lots of my own pain/dissociation patterns).

No grand words, though; my biggest wish for you is simply this:
                               
                                   :zzz: Take care, friend.
« Last Edit: August 23, 2020, 12:20:48 AM by woodsgnome »

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #44 on: August 23, 2020, 05:33:08 PM »
Woodsgnome, thank you dear friend  :hug:  I am taking good care of myself I promise. It is something I have learned to do much better over the last couple of years. I am glad it is not just my memories that are like that, it felt odd to try to explain it to people who might not get it.

Today feels better. Heavy therapy work always means a few days of intensity and then a little down time before therapy again, not a fun cycle but just part of the healing process I guess. It helps I also am starting to feel less sick today. I start my internship placement on Tuesday and am so excited but nervous. I both feel prepared and completely unready at the same time. They are going to trust me pretty quickly with the well being and mental health of elementary school kids. I will also get the chance to work on emotional intelligence and awareness programming for the school. It is great they are working on teaching kids that in their curriculum and having teachers that are more able to identify students that need the most help from us. I am excited for the new adventure but so nervous to be trusted with someone else's mental health, especially that of young children.