Further Adventures of Elpha

[Armee]

I wish you never had to be a human shield. That you could have come to be the kind, protective, giving, and altruistic person you are, without the extreme suffering. And I also see how you've managed to pull these experiences into who you are without being pulled under by them anymore. That you can have these memories continue to come up while managing them, staying relatively grounded and functional...amazing. You've put in so much effort and it shows.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, Armee. It was good to read those words.

I really wish that I had not had to become a human shield either. Often, I wonder what sort of person I would have become without having done that. Would I still be the compassionate, kind, and giving person that I am? I would like to think I still would be, that those traits are part of who I am innately without the abuse. I do think I am learning to use them in a way that doesn't pull me into the abuse cycle or the negative self-worth cycle anymore. I think I have a decent grasp on my worth and the importance of my own well being. Not a perfect, 100%, kind of grasp but one that allows me to recognize that I am important and valuable by just being a person. It has taken me years and loads of emotional work to get to this point. It still takes a lot of effort sometimes, especially in my line of work. I have to work hard in some moments to remember my job is not to save people.. it is to help guide them, to be a compassionate witness, and encourage them to save themselves so they learn self-efficacy and self-compassion. Sometimes, especially with kids, I want to save them but I know I can't serve that role. I played that role in my life for so long, and that is not a healthy role to play.

I have spent a fair amount of time this week just sitting in the sadness and betrayal feelings I have had. I think it has been important to give myself the ability and space to feel those things. I have therapy today and will give more space and voice to those feelings as well. It is a process and one that is kind of exhausting. I am glad to do it though because I know it brings progress with it.

[sanmagic7]

el, i think your maturity is showing in all its glory in what you wrote, not only about you and your own care, but also how you view your work and the care of others.  it sounds so healthy, so clean, so refreshing. 

my thought as i read the 'what if?" re: being a human shield was, and this is just my opinion, you are compassionate, loving, and caring, and what you did for others in the past is simply a reflection of who you've always been.  in other words, i don't think you could have chosen to not be that shield because, as you mentioned, your caring and compassion are innate entities within you.   you are a beautiful human being.  i'm just sorry you had to go thru what you did.  i really am.  love and hugs, my dear

[Armee]

I'm relieved you'll have some dedicated space today to give all those feelings voice and get empath.

I agree with San. Those qualities you possess are innate. You responded to your traumas the way you did...as a protector...because those are good innate qualities that you would have regardless of the traumas. Those innate characteristics influenced how you experienced and reacted to those traumas. You are kind and protective and gave and gave and give and give, but now with awareness of yourself as worthy of protection, too. Now I have to sit and allow that what I said to you, applies to me too, cause I've had those same thoughts. I'm only good kind caring and selfless because of my trauma reactions. I'm not really those things then...those are my traumas... so who am I? But I believe what I just wrote and what San wrote so I need to relook at how I think about my good qualities too.

[Elphanigh]

Both of you just made me tear up some  In a good an healthy way I promise

San, It means a lot to hear that you see the maturity in the way I see my care but also that of my clients. I do strive to have a healthy look at both of those things. Trying to be the kind of clinician I know you and my therapist would be but also my own type of clinician as well.

I adore your take on my "what if". I think you are right. If I am honest, I know you are because I feel it deeply. I didn't ever think to not choose differently. Letting others get hurt was never an option because I was already protective and compassionate by nature. I wish that I had not been made to be a human shield by being placed in that situation but I also now know I would not change myself. There was a time I hated that part of me, and blamed myself for putting myself in danger.. but not now. I love the part o fme that is compassionate, kind, and protective by nature. It makes me a good human. I just got put in impossible situations that took that innate tendency and used it to manipulate me. That manipulation and the actions of others hurt me, my personality didn't do the hurt. Thank you for your words that made me think that through.

Armee, I am so grateful for your words too. It means a lot to read them and have reassurance that these things aren't just a trauma response. I would be kind and compassionate without my trauma. I think you are right that you would be too. I am hopeful those words continue to speak to you as well as they do me.

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
I know you've been working through some tough things recently, and I hope you're ok.
Sending you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope