Further Adventures of Elpha

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Blueberry

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #60 on: September 12, 2020, 06:57:27 PM »
I hear the enormity of what you are going through in your understanding, intense emotions, and life-altering internal shifts. My heart is with you.  :hug:

 :yeahthat: (Thanks for providing words, notalone. I'm at a loss for them atm)

Elpha, I've known you here on the forum for a comparatively long time. I hear that everything is overwhelming rn. otoh I read so much progress, so much healing and also how much courage and also just, idk, ability?? that you have. I know we say "don't compare" but nevertheless you've made such huge progress and managed throughout the time on the forum to apply so much of it to your daily life. That's one of the overall goals to healing, presumably. Whereas I have made a lot of emotional progress but I'm slower at integrating that and applying that in daily life. That's just the way it is, I can't speed it up (my T says that too). Whereas you - I'm in awe of the amount you have managed and how e.g. atm you have all this pain and those realisations and you're still holding down 2 jobs, going to grad school and more. Wow.  :cheer:

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #61 on: September 13, 2020, 05:18:02 PM »
Thank you both for your words, it means a lot to know people understand and hear what this feels like.  :hug:

Blueberry, thank you for the reminder and seeing my progress. I have worked extremely hard and been very lucky to have some really amazing people to help me over the time I have been on the forum. You are very right we don't compare of compete with any of this. We each heal at our own rates. Honestly I also think mt schooling and work is part of why I have done so much so quickly. My therapist agrees because I have been surrounded and absorbed in mental health and trauma work for a year and half at this point. Learning it professionally also causes me to need to do it emotionally.  Sometimes that is a great thing and other times it feels like now where it is overwhelming to have so much so quickly.

Anyways, I feelt a bit lighter and better today. It goes up and down but I am determined to keep my head up and work as much as I can on itm

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sanmagic7

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #62 on: September 13, 2020, 05:52:03 PM »
sending you a supportive, caring hug and lots of love, el.  you're remarkable. :hug:

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #63 on: September 13, 2020, 06:46:44 PM »
:bighug:

That means a lot dear friend. Sending hugs your way as well.

You used the word remarkable and it made me think. This is about to deviate into my own thought processes so mostly off topic. Over the last couple of weeks I have been called so many kind things that I still wouldn't fully call myself, kind of like remarkable. I got called one of the strongest and most resilient people I know by a friend.. a hero (that is the most difficult one).. kind and capable etc.. I still don't fully believe the kind words that I get labeled as. It is a process and I am still working on believing them. I guess it isn't bad I don't fully get it but still.

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #64 on: September 25, 2020, 01:45:32 AM »
Okay, coming here to reflect and pose questions I don't yet have answers to and may never have answers to but I need to express them.

*Trigger Warning* mention of SA (nothing detailed but is the subejct of the post)
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As I have probably previously posted in the forum somewhere (although I am not sure, I ahve bee here like 3 years?  :Idunno: ), I was sexually abused everyday normally mumtiple times a day for the better part of 6 years. I also have things that came before and after that, but are more single incident stuff.  At around 13 or 14 I did the math for the first time (not the last time I would do that number)... I calcualted what would be the best guess for the range of times I was sexually abused, ususally raped in those instances... at a very low ball that puts me at 1500-2000... on the higher end that puts me potentially around 5000... no person should ever survive that. Yet, here I am. I used to question my memory of it so much but I know my truth and unfortuantely that is it..

I have done so much healing since I started my journey nearly 8 years ago.. but now.. now I have hit the point where it is important to start working on the body stuff associated with the sexual traume specifically. I have spent years one the emotional stuff, on the neglect, on the physical abuse side...  working with and around sexual abuse memories because they were always present.. reducing some of the worst without addressing the middle part of the memories.. the part where the sexual trauma occured. Honestly, with all my healing work and all of my clincal studying I am still unsure of where to start with that. How does one go about healing from that much? How do I heal from such insurmountable pain and darkness? How to I heal wounds I will never be able to fully express in words? Is it even truly possible? Me surviving and being functional was a miracle.. Can I really ask for more?

I feel like I can barely conceptualize the entirety of my experience and I am the one that lived it.. but holding all of it at once would have buried me. I wouldn't have survived. So of course I can't because I am not sure anyone ever could truly conceptualize what it feels like or what it was like. I don't think I will ever be able to. I could write several books and never come close to that feeling. How do I heal from something I can't even really capture and voice? It feels almost impossible because I know it should have broken me and really should have killed me but it didn't. Words will never be able to truly convey my experiences.. the feelings.. etc.. Language is far too limited.  :stars: :fallingbricks:

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Three Roses

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #65 on: September 25, 2020, 05:27:20 AM »
I agree 100%. Peter Levine has some wonderful books on the effects of trauma on our bodies, "In An Unspoken Voice" and "Waking The Tiger".

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #66 on: September 25, 2020, 12:23:25 PM »
Thank you for that reminder, Three Roses. I have one of his books sitting on my shelf also with some stuff written by Patrick Ogden and other who work in the body. It would probably be good for me to pull one of those out and get reading.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #67 on: September 25, 2020, 01:48:05 PM »
hey, el,

it's taken you a lot of time and work to even get to this point.  may i encourage you to be patient with yourself?  i can't imagine how daunting the task must seem when you look at those numbers - they are overwhelming to see!  one step, one minute at a time, ok?  if possible, chip them into as small of pieces as need be, and one by one, that incredibly hurtful and - yep, no words - mosaic will be taken apart and disposed of properly. 

you've come so far, done so much to get yourself to this point where you could even look at something as tangible as numbers.  that's amazing, you're amazing - truly a woman warrior spirit who shines her light on this darkest of the dark.  you are a beacon who others in your field will be attracted to, and those you help will heal all that much more quickly in your glow.

i'm not just saying pretty words, i mean every one.  i've always seen it in you, and you know that, from the beginning.  there's something about you that brings the idea of a light coming from you.  right next to you on all this.  there's a reason you survived, and i'm pleased to be part of your journey.  much love, gentle, caring. healing hug to you, my dear :hug:

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #68 on: September 26, 2020, 02:41:25 PM »
San, thank you  :hug:

I am choosing patience with myself. It is a skill to give myself grace as I work through it. It is a daunting task, but one I have to have faith I can do. You are right, there was a time I could not have looked at something that tangible and be okay. I am okay though and will continue to be.

As far as your kind words, I believe them. I know you always mean them and I am coming to finally see what everyone else sees in me. That light and hope everyone sees in me. I can start to see and feel it in myself, I have always felt it just could never name it. I guess it is part of why I survived.

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #69 on: September 28, 2020, 03:04:18 PM »
I have found that over the last few days there have just been moments of immense pain and sadness but there are also moments of great joy. Everything in moderation including feelings I guess. Tonight I have therapy and am not sure what I will say or talk about tbh. I have been trying to decide how far to go into things and what things to go into. Sadly, I know what I need to go into and am not sure I have the strength at the moment to do it. We will see.  It is difficult to express and I know I have some words for it but saying them is vulnerable and painful. I am trying to be resiliant and brave though

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Hope67

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #70 on: September 28, 2020, 07:04:23 PM »
Hi Elpha,
I just wanted to send you a hug  :hug: 
Hope  :)

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #71 on: September 29, 2020, 01:59:50 AM »
Thank you Hope  :hug:

I did the thing tonight. Truly, the 13 year old part of me did the brave things today.  I could not fully say all of the words but I could type the ones I needed to so my therapist could see them.  Me could then process some, which really turned into processing the fear younger me had about allowing my T to know and hold some of it. Fear that she would be just another person that left, or that it would be too much, or make her look at me like I am less... being able to talk to my T about how that 13 year old feels. Matter of fact she is the one that asked because she knows well and we have talked some before about it. After working through that, which really took her showing up for me and recognizing why it would be hard and truly taking the time to tell me why it is different now. Also never pushing or invalidating the feelings or fears.

It allowed me to share more feeling words and open a bit about my truth. She has known a lot but sharing more of the depth and feelings of it. I know it looks or seems small but it is very big. I know it is such a long road but a t least I have started it.

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Hope67

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #72 on: September 29, 2020, 10:28:42 AM »
 :hug:

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #73 on: September 29, 2020, 05:38:04 PM »
Thanks Hope  :hug:

I am still really glad that I managed to start to have that conversation last night. It means I am pretty exhausted today but that is rather worth it. Thankfully I spend my Tuesday's at my internship and get to see kids all morning. I honestly am loving the play therapy thing, not sure I will every want to work solely with young kids but I do really enjoy it right now. I was worried I wouln't like it but so far I love it. I am so glad to be able to give kids a safe space, kinda being the person I needed when I was younger. It is weird to be on this side of the equation but I am so glad to be able to use my heart and passions to create safety for these kids. Even if it is just in the play room.

As far as my own stuff, I am coming to recognize that it is big but that I can hold it still. I am capable of holding the pain without it being entirely overwhelming and that is progress. Even a year ago I could not have done that without falling apart. I am not sure I wuold have even tried then. I do hate that I have to do the work becuase it feels unfair but I know I will always choose to do the work to heal. I will likely come back and talk more but for now this is enough

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sanmagic7

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #74 on: September 29, 2020, 09:28:39 PM »
we talk about small steps a lot here, but i do believe that, even if they feel small to us, they truly are large.  anything the moves us in the direction we want to go can be huge.  getting one word out really is a big deal, cuz it opens that door to let more and more out.  you're doing great, el.  love and hugs :hug: