Further Adventures of Elpha

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sanmagic7

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #45 on: August 23, 2020, 10:50:10 PM »
so glad your test was neg.  glad you're taking care of you.  my therapy cycle is similar, altho right now i'm working on it 2x/week, so it's kind of jammed up at times.  but, as you say, part of the healing process.  i do want to heal, so i'm willing to go thru the cycle.

much love, many hugs, my dear :grouphug:

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #46 on: August 24, 2020, 12:45:56 PM »
Thank you dear  :grouphug: I have definitely done the two times a week before, it does sort of jam up the process.

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Blueberry

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #47 on: August 24, 2020, 01:07:44 PM »
Yay on the negative test!  :cheer: Keep taking care of you.

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #48 on: August 25, 2020, 12:02:25 AM »
Thanks Blueberry  :hug:


Okay, going to just share here. I hate working on healing sexual trauma, super hate it. It means processing body sensations and blocks in somstic stuff. It means talking about how my body doesn't always feel like my own and how kinda of gross and unsettling it feels. Trying to describe the body feeling of know I was used soooo many times... it makes me have to re-explore things that I have already held as certainty. It makes me more touch sensitive and much more aware of what or who is in close proximity.


It is just also harder to talk about and more uncomfy to try to put words and sensations to. Like I know there is no judgment and nothing I could say that would change that therapuetic relationship but it is where there are more shame filled bits of my experience.

I am reminded how much in my life I just wanted to be normal... and be able to be touched by others or even myself sometimes without wanting to crawl out of my skin.

Oddly my primary love language is physical touch and always has been. It clouds that so much because I can't meet that need and be meeting the needs I have around trauma processing right now. I have to kind of touch starve myself to an extent... sigh.

Anyways I am glad to be doing the work but I hate it so much.

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woodsgnome

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #49 on: August 25, 2020, 11:57:28 PM »
Elphanigh, what you say touches on an important point -- that yes, the work is meaningful but defies and/or stretches one's comfort zone beyond measure, and really bears no logic either, making it harder to deal with.

There are also limiting factors that are ultra hard to navigate. In my own therapy I've noticed so often that yes, I can delve into sexual trauma on the feeling side, but can slip into panic, horror, anger and rage which I didn't sense (didn't want to) I was still buried in. This could further descend into absolute chaos with regards to anything like trying to be cool and analytic about what was so horrific and, more to the point, totally senseless, shameful, but sadly and deeply absorbed into one's core sense of self. Even finding these words to describe it all boggles the mind, causing me to stop, revise, and try to explain what is very difficult for reasons already touched on.

There truly are no words adequate for it. Our interpersonal communications may be built around words, but often there is no vocabulary that comes close to touching the reality of the unreality of abuse and trauma.

I'm hoping your current experiences will allow you to climb a little further out of the hole into which you were dragged. May you be well and I hope it's alright to share this with you -- a gentle  :hug:
« Last Edit: August 26, 2020, 12:08:56 AM by woodsgnome »

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #50 on: August 26, 2020, 01:19:23 PM »
Thank you Woodsgnome  :hug:  I am glad to know someone gets what this feels like and the difficulties with language limitations. I also greatly appreciate the safe, gentle hug.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #51 on: August 27, 2020, 02:37:17 PM »
my dear el,

processing somatic stuff is, i think, exponentially difficult cuz it's hard enough to go thru memories, feelings, thoughts, etc., but then putting bodily sensations on top of it - whew!  i admire your courage as you go thru this.  do you think a break might help?  as in, letting things settle before you do another round of processing?  i've found that helpful at times to just talk to my t for a session, just kind of free-associate to give my mind a little room to heal.  don't know if that pertains to you - just a thought.

in the meantime, with you all the way.  much love and hugs :hug:

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #52 on: August 27, 2020, 07:21:14 PM »
Hi dear friend,

Thanks! You hit the nail on the head. I am happy to just keep chugging along for now but will take a break a bit if we need to. I kind of gauge how much I do per week based on how I feel.  Sending lots of hugs  :hug:

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Hope67

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #53 on: August 31, 2020, 02:56:37 PM »
Hi Elpha,
Sending you a safe hug,  :hug: 
Hope  :)

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #54 on: August 31, 2020, 03:21:10 PM »
Thank you Hope  :hug: I really needed it. It has been a long few days, and I don't yet have the energy to explain yet. Likely will in a day or two.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #55 on: August 31, 2020, 09:16:30 PM »
 :hug:

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #56 on: August 31, 2020, 10:42:59 PM »
:bighug:

Gonna just sit with ems one more night before trying to write about it. I have spent my day resting and using healthy distraction to help the process.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #57 on: August 31, 2020, 11:08:34 PM »
good for you, el.  so very glad to hear it.  it sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to do for you.  yay!  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

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Elphanigh

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #58 on: September 12, 2020, 05:21:31 PM »
So I disappeared for a couple of weeks because I have been going through the most intense transition in my healing that I have experienced. I really haven't had the energy or the words to write it here and I still don't have all the words or energy really. I did feel like coming here to write some and check in as well.

I have been digging (both intentionally and not) at some of the deepest most painful wounds I have. It feels like getting to the core of my lifetime full of trauma. This has meant so many realizations, difficult days, memories, and hours of processing. All while being in grad school during a pandemic with two jobs and a nonprofit to help continue to develop. It's a lot to say the least.

A couple nights ago I had several big world view shattering realizations at the core of my being. They are a step in the right direction but they bring so much gut wrenching pain and some anger. It causes me to reevaluate so many memories, relationships with people, and life long thought processes. My therapist said it was basically that I had five or six major revelations kind of domino style. Basically that one of them would have felt like a lot so multiple of them of course felt like it overwhelmed my system because it did and would have for most people.

I have been putting the puzzke pieces of my life together in a way that makes more sense and is more clear than it has ever been. It has meant seeing how events rippled to cause so many other things in my life. Seeing how being born into trauma and into a family that needed me to be perceptive of everyone's needs led to everything else in my life in one form or another. Like a series of events that finally makes some sense.

It means seeing that I was screwed before I met any of my worst abusers.. that in the pivotal moments of my life where things could have been different I didn't see that there was another options because I was never taught there was another option. That I did exactly what I was raised to do. I protected those I cared about and met the needs of everyone at all costs. That cost happened to be myself for many years.

I also have to grieve the fact that nothing that happened was my doing. I can't be to blame for the things I did to survive, for the moments that I wasn't the perfect little savior because I could never have been perfect at it. There were impossible odds and I did everythign I could.. I did more than I should have ever felt the need to do. I have held some level of blame, guilt, shame for so many moments when none of it was mine to hold. I spent years punishing myself both consciously and subconsciously for those things.. i have to grieve the pain that caused me, that I brought on myself as a result..  the things and people that I turned away because I didn't believe I deserved it.. the parts of my life where I didn't value myself and got hurt because of it.. or lost things because of jt..

Then of course comes the fact that I have to recognize the people that were so abusive to me were because they could be.. not because I did anything. It means I have to grapple with the idea there is just evil in the world and I dealt with so much of it when I was young..

Then my parents.. my M loved me very much but she was not strong enough to save me, none of my family was. They were preoccupied with themselves so of course they couldn't see me because they weren't strong enough to deal with what that meant. That was never fair but I as an adult and an empathic sound can have empathy for it even if it makes me angry too.

There is more but I feel like I need to save that for another time. Doses of this  otherwise it becomes overwhelming again  :fallingbricks:

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notalone

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Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« Reply #59 on: September 12, 2020, 05:58:35 PM »
I hear the enormity of what you are going through in your understanding, intense emotions, and life-altering internal shifts. My heart is with you.  :hug: