Further Adventures of Elpha

Started by Elphanigh, July 24, 2020, 11:53:50 PM

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Elphanigh

Thank you for validating this step as a big one  :hug: I am sharing as I can muster up the bravery. I know I have seen her for years and that I regularly share difficult things but every new layer requires a bit of tip toeing for a bit. This one is because my 13 year old self is the one allowing the vulnerability and opening up. She has always exuded anger and protective energy. We have worked with her slowly and she has finally started sharing her hurt and emotions. Inner child work is complicated sometimes and may sound strange but it works. It does feel like a part of me is finally trying to feel and trust. It is so painful and takes more strength or courage than surviving ever did.

Not Alone

I know that everything I share, even relatively small things, is a risk. Even when your 13 year old self shows anger, it is a brave and risky thing to do. It is  a very big thing that the 13 year old shared what she did. If I could see the 13 year old IRL, I would want to do something comforting for her; a soft blanket or lovely smelling lotion.  :hug:

Elphanigh

Thank you for seeing that :hug: Anger was such a big step when it happened, I had forgotten that. This vulnerability is a whole different adventure, or so it seems.

13 year old me would love a nice warm blanket, thank you for sharing ❤

Not Alone


Elphanigh

I wanted to give a short update here, and hopefully a more full one later. I need to get to bed though, it is late here and I work with my clients starting at 8am...  :stars:

That being said I am doing the things and starting to feel stronger and better as a whole. I still have really difficult days and moments but by far I am doing so very well. Tonight I was finally able to start addressing my shame around my sexual abuse. It was a long discussion of body sensations, things that aren't 'normal' about the sexual part of my being because of it and the shame I hold around that. 13 year old me was able to talk about how hard it was growing up being scared of what is natural development in preteens and teenagers.. I grew up scared that those meant I was like my perpetrators and having to pretend around my friends that I wasn't different (add that to having to fake not being gay...). I got to talk about how unfair and confusing all of that was. How more than anything I wished and still do wish I could just be 'normal'. I shared how parts of me still fear that others will see me as broken or used because of my long history of sexual abuse that will always have some affect on me. I got to talk about how unpredictable my mind and body are.. that sometimes intimate things are okay and others they aren't. How I feel like that has gotten worse over the last few years, but having my T point out that it is likely because I am less numb and more aware of my body sensations and body memories than I was before. I shared a lot of things I have felt shame over and never shared with anyone but that I am ready to try and face. I am as ready to face this stuff as I ever will be.

I also sat here tonight, realizing how much love and caring I have cultivated in my life. I get to be surrounded by people that accept me and my truth without expecting me to change or hide it. I have people in my life that love me the same amount at my lowest moments as they do my victorious ones. I have people that will celebrate the fact I could finally be vulnerable and know how big that is for me even if they have never had to do it themselves. People that love me for just me and not for the things I accomplish or do. It is more than I could have ever dreamed of or wished for as a kid. I could have never imagined it this way. It makes it possible to go on this journey. I could not do it without it tbh. Even bigger, I realize I do deserve all of that love and good; I have always deserved it even though it was not given to me. I get to have the no strings attached type of love and caring now. I also finally know I love myself in that way too. I love all of me, not perfectly, but I do truly love myself. All of me, not just the over achiever put together part of me. I love all of my hurt younger selves and my heart at the darkest of my moments. I can embrace both now, that will never be perfect but I can do it.

I would have never been able to do or feel any of the above several years ago. Diving into this stuff is so painful and terrifying at times but I wouldn't change it. I will also always choose healing. I will always choose the hard road of working on myself because I deserve that.

For now, sleep. I feel a serious vulnerability hangover happening and was up late doing homework tonight. Off to cry some tears of pain and love all at once.

sanmagic7

you are amazing, el.  simply amazing.  i remember you a few years ago, the relationships you had, just beginning to recover and heal from all the horrors in your life. you've come so far, and to now be able to address the shame piece of everything you've gone thru speaks to your strength, determination, and perseverance.  i can't say enough pos. things to you about you.  i'm just so happy to know you, be part of your life (even if only virtually) to have been able to witness this transformation.

thanks for continuing to share this progress.  you inspire people to keep going, no matter how difficult it may seem, no matter how frightening.  i'm just so glad for you!  ;D

much love and a hug filled with wonderful for you :hug:

Elphanigh

Thank you dear friend  :hug: I am so glad you are part of my journey and share in the good and the bad.

Honestly, all of that knocked me out pretty hard. It is good but man it meant no sleep, nightmares, and needing a day off. I recognize that even though so much of yesterday was good that it was still a lot of really big things and that can take a lot out of me. I am choosing to be self compassionate and rest when I need to. It's okay to need to recover from even those good moments.

I know what you say is true. I have come so far in several years. Also, I do try to inspire people with by sharing my journey and my hope. If I can do that I have gotten to bring something good from some awful things.

Blueberry

Quote from: Elphanigh on October 06, 2020, 02:38:48 PM
I know what you say is true. I have come so far in several years. Also, I do try to inspire people with by sharing my journey and my hope.

:yeahthat: :yeahthat: You have come really far in such a short time and you do inspire others too.

Elpha, I haven't read your post above because I saw reference to CSA or SA and I'm worried about being triggered atm. However, I agree with san that you have come amazingly far in an amazingly short period of time. In fact recently I was reading way, way back in Three Good Things A Day and saw that in those early threads some of your Good Things were similar to mine (being able to get out of bed in the morning e.g.) and you're way beyond that now. And just other things you mentioned in 3 Good Things, I thought to myself: Wow, Elphanigh now - like a whole new person! If that sounds depersonalising or something, then let's say: a difference like night and day. :hug:

Elphanigh

 :hug:

That means a lot to hear Blueberry. It is like a whole new Elpha. I feel like there have been a few new versions of me over the years here. Each of them a little stronger and a little braver.

I haven't got back in those threads forever. It was sometimes such a difficulty to just get up and moving at all. Now, even after long nights I feel like that isn't the case. Thank you for sharing what you read and noticed  :hug:

I thought about going back and reading bits of old journals but can't bring myself to yet. I have a lot of work left to do and feel a lot of things but thay version of me is so different than where I am now. I couldn't have envisioned the difference a few years woild make.

Also, glad you didn't read it if you are worried about getting triggered. I didn't think to add a warning as it is small but maybe I should.

Blueberry

no worries about TW in your own journal! I think it's up to me to not read a post out if I'm worried. It probably would'v been fine to read but I simply decided to not read.

Elphanigh

Good to know Blueberry, thank you  :hug:

Not Alone

My mind is not coming up with words, so I'll just send a hug to you.  :grouphug:

Elphanigh

Thank you  :grouphug:

It ended up being a really hard day today so the hug is super helpful  :hug: I can't explain the bad day yet but that's okay. Maybe tomorrow.

Elphanigh

So it has been a rather rough 24 - 36 hours or so. I am getting there but goodness progress comes with a price sometimes.... I have had nightmares every night for basically a week now and they got vastly worse after my appointment Monday and then again after last night's processing. I need to write them out and sort of process them some in words so I am going to put them here knowing they are safe. That being said they are really difficult to hear/read about so I will be pretty vague but still giving a warning to anyone who may be more easily triggered by mention of SA even if it was just my nightmares. I will also try to give and end of trigger warning note if I write past them.

**Trigger Warning**


Nightmare from  the night before last: It was almost like several of my memories growing up but it was jumbled and wrong. In it I played the roll of one of my female abusers at about age 17, and my biggest abuser was in the role of the 5 year old child.. It was like living that set of memories and feelings from the other side... I woke up panicked because of it. I know I am nothing like my abusers and am truly not capable of ever doing any harm, certainly not like that. However, stepping away from my judgment and fear around that nightmare, I know that young kids often retaliate by hurting the person the same way they were hurt. If a 2 or 4 year old is hit they hit back etc.. so of course the younger parts of my subconscious retaliate in the way they were hurt.. The parts of me that need so badly to take control and power back from the things I went through showed in that nightmare. It and the things under it scared all of my littles and myself and caused a need to process some really difficult memories and body feelings.

I had to address my two year old's feeling of being cold and scared as a small kid... and the feelings of trauma in my hands when I wanted to run but couldn't because I was being held down or pulled.. or the feeling of having to clench my hands to get through so much but never getting to use that fist to hit someone and get away because I couldn't.

Nightmare from last night was entirely different... I was a doctor in this one which is okay but instead of doing surgery which is how the dream started I got pulled away to an emergency (was the only one to go see what it was)... Ended up getting brutally murdered (except I was still breathing). I won't describe how I was almost murdered... When he thought I was dead, he carved a mark with a scalpel behind my ear which I stayed quite and dead seeming through.. but he then decided to sexually abuse what he thought was a dead body... which of course meant I tensed up and made a noise in the dream so he realized I was still alive... Which meant him pushing onto the mark he had cut into my skin and making the other pain worse... I only woke up when my body would have passed out from the level of physical pain in the dream.

When I woke up.. I made some sort of noise as both my cats came running very concerned like. I was also in actual physical pain in the two spots he was hurting at the end of my dream.. The pain that would have caused me to pass out in the dream. It took me a while to recover and I am not certain that I fully have tbh.

*End Trigger*




Okay, so no more triggering things. I just hate that progress also means my subconscious gets to run rampant and ruin my sleep. I take medicine to  help my nightmares and it is obviously not doing anything for these because my mind is just so wired and over run with stuff it needs to process. I am exhausted because of school and work.. and trauma work.. put on top of that I am not sleeping well because of these and I am doing all I can to get the bare minimum done and not just look exhausted all day, every day. I know they will subside but man I need them to do so quickly.  :fallingbricks: :spooked:

Blueberry

This one I read - go figure - but thanks for the TW here.

OMG, those are horrendous nightmares. Sending support  :hug: :grouphug:  also support and comfort to little 2yo Elpha. I'm glad your cats are so sensitive to your emotions.