Further Adventures of Elpha

Started by Elphanigh, July 24, 2020, 11:53:50 PM

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Elphanigh

Yeah, this was probably the harder of the two posts to read.. Glad I put the TW there. Thank you for reading though.

They are very horrendous and are difficult to shake off. Even 7 hours later the one from last night still occasionally comes back like an intrusive memory would. :hug: :hug: I super appreciate the support as does 2yo me. She is very happy to take in the comfort from you. My cats are great for that even if it is not as bad as me waking up gasping/squealing... I can tell when I have had a rough night because I will wake up with them next to me or on top of me just kind of watching over me. It probably helps even when I am not awake to have that presence.

Not Alone

I'm sorry you are having such horrible dreams. I can see where the distress of those would stay with you a long time. I hope and pray that tonight you get a break and are able to sleep peacefully and soundly.

Elphanigh

Thank you, Notalone  :hug:

I got a little bit less of a nightmare last night and some sleep. Not a lot but I feel like I am doing everything I can for it.

sanmagic7

glad the nightmares are subsiding.  they can be rough and exhausting.

sending love and a hug filled with restful sleep.  you've been thru a lot. :hug:

Elphanigh

Thank you dear  :hug: they definitely were exhausting  and I am starting to sort of catch up on sleep. It has been a process. Inknow my mind is just trying to process alot through my subconscious. I do feel like I have been through the ringer lately but I am healing a lot and have to have faith it will get better.  :hug:

woodsgnome

At least now you've made it through a few 'ringers' and come out the other side. Now you have some substance to the faith you're speaking of.

Kudos, yes; but the best part is establishing some solid footing as you enter the next phase of a life of meaning and self-realization.

Thanks for stopping and sharing -- we need stories such as yours to point to and say -- yes, me too. Sure it's all baby steps, still there's endless possibility when each one follows on a fresh and invigorating series of previous strides, all of them taken even against great odds.

                                       :grouphug:


Elphanigh

Woodsgnome, your words always bring such wisdom and great reminders to me. It has been a bit harder to have the faith that I would get through this one and begin taking those steps towards more healing. As I am starting to feel better, and have kind words such as yours, I am reminded I have gotten through so much worse and always come out the other side.

I have taken hundreds of baby steps and continue to do so.

It is me working to that new start. I graduate in May and life will change so much. I will get to start a new career and path. I hope to do so from a healthy spot in my life  :grouphug:

Elphanigh

I feel a little stronger and more capable every day. Sleep and a bit of time off do great wonders. I have been able to sleep without nightmares since Thursday night (4 nights in a row  :cheer:). Yesterday, I took the day completely off and it was spectacular. I needed time to just breathe and to not feel guilty about doing so. The only thing I really did was to clean my room some and finish setting up my yoga space. It was super necessary to just breathe and I am better off for it. Being in grad school and doing all the things I do, I rarely get the chance for an actual day off. I don't think I know when the last time I got to do that was.

Little me is doing a lot better than she was. I think time off and a ew nightmare free nights really help. I do have therapy tonight and that understandably makes that part of me nervous because it is difficult to want to go into those feelings when they have just truly started to subside. I still get moments where I remember or my body starts to feel but generally I can remind myself those are just memories and move on with my day. Today with the kids I see for play therapy everything has gone smoothly and I haven't noted any triggers, which I was concerned about and am super glad to not have. I know there is always a chance of it so it feels good not to have that today at least.

Anyways back to working hard but it is good to step in here and share. I might come back after therapy today or tomorrow if I need to just check in a process more.

sanmagic7

holy moley, el, i can't believe you're almost done!  may!  seems like you just started!  dang, you're amazing.

i echo wg, in that your story is one of inspiration and light for others to follow.  keep up the good work - but i'm especially glad you had a day to breathe.  those are so important.  much love, and a hug filled with continued strength. :hug:

Elphanigh

Time has gone by so quickly! I am sure May will be here before we know it. It is crazy to think how far I have come. Like I spent my day just being a play therapist and sort of rocking it. I have a lot to learn but I feel like that is coming along well. I see clients by myself and get good reviews from professors on me as a clinician. It is mind boggling! Also I am getting my EMDR training part one and two in exactly 2 months! *insert happy dance* not sure when I became cool enough to get that.


As far as my story being inspiring to others. I am so glad that it is but also always so in awe of that. I don't regularly see it as such because I am often in the thick of it and am just doing what I feel is needed for me. It doesn't normally feel particularly special. I am grateful and honored to be any sort of inspiration to others. All that makes me sound like I need a Ted talk one day lol (I really do not..)

Lots of hugs :hug:

sanmagic7

wowser!  your emdr training starts in 2 months!  colleague, indeed!   :cheer:  i'm so excited for you, have loved seeing this played out.  you go, girl!  love and hugs, el. :hug:

Elphanigh

It is crazy to be almost truly colleague status I look forward to the EMDR training! I also realize that have have over 100 hours in play therapy training and hands-on play therapy sessions or supervision. Putting in those hours so as soon as I have my independent license (which of course takes two years after I graduate) I can get my RPT.  Thank you for always encouraging this journey San. Lots of love!  :hug: :hug:

Today feels good as well. Therapy was light yesterday, we decided it was the best choice to make sure I got the chance to breathe and give myself another week to feel truly stable. I am grateful that is the decision I went with. I can enjoy feeling stable and continue to rest. Also to play catch up with school and clients before needing to dive back into my trauma work fully. I think having this week will make me more able to tackle it and be okay in the process.

Anyways this has primarily been a life update and less about my recovery but living life is part of the process too as I have found.

Hope67

Hi Elpha,
Living life is part of the process, that sounds really positive.  Really great that your training is going so well, and I can sense your enthusiasm for it, it is great.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Elphanigh

Thank you Hope  :hug:

Living life is definitely part of the process and a super important one at that. I got to do that a lot this week which felt good. I had some difficult and sad moments regarding trauma stuff but overall a much better week than I have been having.

On a different note, I found out on Thursday that I need surgery on my hand and wrist. They hope to do it over my Christmas break from school so I do not have to wait until May to get it done. As much as I do not want to have surgery, I know it is the next logical option and that I truly do not want to wait until May to do something about it. I know it would get worse between now and then and it is already rather bad (seeing as they want to do surgery and it affects me all the time).. This has been stressful and scary knowledge. Certianly a huge decision but one that is easier than I thought it would be. I know what I need to do to ensure I feel better and can use my hand in the ways I want to. The recovery will suck, not having my dominant hand for a bit will be a challenge but I know I need to do something for it.

Elphanigh

I am feeling pretty solid today, even after doing EMDR yesterday. I am so used to being exhausted the day after sessions. We started processing one of the memories that were/are creating body memories for me. It was a weird combination of narrative therapy and EMDR in a way that worked really well. I started to tell the story and we processed small moments because the story has multiple parts to process through. I hate that it will probably take several sessions to finish just that memory but I am also so glad to be much better off after a session for once.  It was difficult to begin telling a story of csa, I immediately started to have shame feelings. My T, who thankfully saw that start to occur, spent the time to reassure me that nothing I told her would make her think differently of me. That no matter what happened to me there was no judgment or shame because it is what was done to me. I am still trying to learn that, to confront shame by being able to speak about the things that happened to me. It is scary but if I trust anyone with that it is my T. We have talked about stories before but I have only shared one or two in my time with her (almost 4 years), and I did so in less detail than I am attempting to do this.

I also recognize, the first time I had a T she had me recount the worst memory I could think of aloud several times. She also wanted me to practice saying the word rape because she believe it would give me back some power. That word is still difficult at times, but I did learn to say it. All that to say though that she was super retraumitzing for me. I was not ready to talk about it and tell specific memories to anyone yet. I felt like I needed to because that is what she could help me with.

It is different now though. I am ready to try to talk about them. We also do so slowly and I can choose what I do share. I also get to do it in small chunks spending time processing emotions and body sensations through emdr and movement as I go. It feels a little painstakingly slow but it is healthy and not retraumatizing like it was the last time I tried to do this. It feels different and I feel much braver than I used to be.