Further Adventures of Elpha

Started by Elphanigh, July 24, 2020, 11:53:50 PM

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Elphanigh

Okay, today is better. I took all day yesterday to rest, self-care, and process through what needed to be done. I didn't have nightmares and actually slept mostly well for the first time in weeks. There have been some powerful things with my littles the last several days. My little 5 year old self has learned to accept some love and compassion from me and my other littles. I got to surround her with the things she never allowed herself and slowly show her that it is okay to have those things. She deserves it so much and is finally getting to take it in. Last night I got to envision her playing with the other littles and actually feeling some semblance of joy which is the most powerful thing that could happen for her. I can't quite explain what that feels like.

I was processing a great deal with my littles that are 5 and 8 especially (I have others). Both of them were holding onto something that is so deeply painful and heavy. It is still there, we haven't yet shaken it, but we have lightened it a little. We did get to the point where it feel like maybe it was okay to let it go but that is a scary process that will probably be painful and at the time I was tired and had put myself and them through way too much in one night. So we left it there but surrounded by good and warm feelings that make it more possible to carry without feeling the full burden.

The black poison I mentioned a few posts ago has been stuck in 8 year old me and feels more heavy and painful that I think I could describe. Orginally it was 5 that held it but 8 had taken it from her to lighten 5's load basically. I am not sure when that occurred but it had. 5 was still really afraid to let go of it because it reminded her and 8 why we needed to be scared and represented a past that is seemingly impossible to let go of. So getting anywhere near the idea that it might be okay to let it go is amazing progress. Especially considering I hadn't realized it was there until Sunday. It was a painful and sad realization to have.. to know what it represents and that it is still there. I have done years of work but I still have a lot of work left to do. I am capable of doing that work now though, I know I would not have been able to handle this even a year ago. My long history of csa and some of the worst moments attached to it is nothing to take lightly, and I know that. I have processed a lot but it comes in layers and this one is deeper and new.. It feels like it encompasses new things and more of the experiences as a whole rather than the individual memories. Outside of course the few things that 5 shared with me about our worst moments.


Oh, that reminds me. I learned more about 5-year-olds role in life. She has always worked to keep everyone in line to help us stay safe (this I knew). She also was basically a container for the worst moments in my life, both literally and metaphorically. She was the part of me who could stand and bear anything.. In moments where many other people would have screamed she was able to bear in silence to protect everyone she could. The scariest, most violent, most gut-wrenching moments she took over so the rest of my littles didn't have to. She didn't accept love or warmth because she knew if she did it would make her too soft to do what needed to be done. She had to be unbreakable because no one else was.. because breaking wasn't an option in my life. Breaking either got me hurt worse or others around me hurt and that was not a risk I could take.. breaking also meant possibly not surviving and that was never an option for her. She was also the part that when given impossible options was there to make the decisions required of me (even though I know now those weren't decisions. I was between a rock and a hard place with nowhere to go, except to choose what form of torture I preferred. I know she could take the worst torture and be functioning and seem okay to keep others safe. There were times where I would go through some of the worst things a person can experience and 5 minutes later have to be talking to my parents or playing with my siblings as if nothing happened to me. I can't even imagine trying to do that as an adult, let alone as a small child. So I both appreciate all the sacrifices she made for everyone and for being a part that allowed me to survive things... But I also hurt so deeply for her, and for me, because no one should ever have to go through anything I did. No 5 year old should ever have to be that strong or fight so hard. (I know many of us here had to, unfortunately).

So giving her the chance to feel some love and experience some happiness is the least I could do for her. I know processing and letting go will be hard but both of them deserve it. I deserve it.


woodsgnome

Elphanigh wrote: "I know processing and letting go will be hard but both of them deserve it. I deserve it."

So true, those statements. And from my perspective, I'm appreciating how this process of self-discovery simultaneous while starting to experience the nuts-and-bolts of your entry into the professional side of things is quite impressive.

I hope this bodes well for times to come. That despite the accumulation of 'expertise', you'll always be able to go within to see what's coming up for you while still functioning as a compassionate caregiver for others.

May your journey continue along these lines. The world also deserves this; so many seem a bit jaded or maybe just tired. Your continued progress in diving in, even to painful areas, gives me hope that your vision retains its freshness, for yourself as well as all of those you're touching.

:hug:

Not Alone

I feel a lot of compassion for you and your Littles. It is a beautiful and miraculous thing when a Little, whose only experience is abuse and darkness, is able to feel even a little bit of care and joy. I am experiencing that also. 

Blueberry

Hi Elpha,

I haven't read your last few posts in detail but I am aware that you are going through difficult things and doing really hard work as well.  :cheer:  :hug: :hug:

Elphanigh

Thank you all  :grouphug: I appreciate them so much.

Woodsgnome, it can be tricky to go deep into this stuff given the 'expertise' I now have professionally. My knowledge helps my healing some because I am aware of things that could help that I would not otherwise know. I do often have to turn off my therapist part of allow the rest of me to heal and go through what I need to go through.  I do also hope my vision stays fresh for those I am serving, and intend to never become truly jaded because my clients deserve much more than that.

Notalone, it can be such a beautiful thing for our littles. I am grateful to be giving them those feelings as much as I can.

Blueberry, thank you  :hug: I really appreciate the hugs and encouragement!



Okay, so it has been a long week with some triggers and lots of processing. I am pretty exhausted but I feel like I have started to feel better again. It is a rollercoaster at this point but that is okay. I am just taking care of me the best I can.

Elphanigh

Figured I would come here and share a win. I was able to release a really big piece of hurt yesterday. I had described it as black poison when I envisioned it last week. It felt like it was a piece of my abusers that was left in my body as sort of a forgein reminder of a lot of awful pain and fear. So last night I got to do a visualization with the littles that were involved (mostly 5 and 8). They were both okay and ready to let it go, so I visualized allowing it to drip onto paper like ink or paint would. That took a bit but was less painful than I thought. Then I was able to hold a sort of ceremony and burn the paper to destroy the black poison because it was not enough to contain it, we really wanted to destroy it so we did. This allowed my body to feel so much better than it has in a few weeks. I feel lighter and a little freer. I am hoping to be able to keep that lightness a little as I move forward this week. Next week we will start to tackle some of the body memories and fear that came along with the trigger on Wednesday night.

On an entirely different note, I have started applying for therapist jobs and am hopeful to eventually hear back from some. It would be really great to be able to find something and have a committed contract in the next few months so I can plan for moving and know I have a place to go when I graduate.

Not Alone


Elphanigh

#172
Tomorrow is a tough anniversary for me  :fallingbricks:

I am honestly handling pretty well all things considered though. Therapy has been super heavy lately but I feel like we are making progress. My nightmares have mostly stopped and I have been able to process some truly horrific things. I also had to make my first dhs report for a child.. It was rather scary and intimidating but I am glad I am trustworthy enough for the child to trust me. It is a tough part of the job and better to learn it now than 3 months from now when I am out on my own as a therapist somewhere. Speaking of that I have been applying for jobs and just hoping to hear back from some soon.

As far as the anniversary goes.. It is the two year anniversary of me being revictimized while I was traveling to visit schools. It is a tough one but I have so much positive surrounding me right now that I know I can handle it. I have class tomorrow so it will mean I have a pretty full evening of distractions. I am just hoping that is enough. I figure I will be functional but whether or not I will truly be okay is different. I feel a little sad today and have been a little extra on edge the last few days but nothing major so maybe it will pass without too much problem. I wish I knew what to do tomorrow.. some sort of way to symbolically let it go on that day but I am not sure what. So for now I will plan self care and just let the day be what I need it to be.


Edit: I got a call for a job interview a few hours after I wrote this. I am thrilled to have my first interview as a therapist! :cheer:

woodsgnome

I recall reading your entries around the incident you felt so awful about, remembered too the panic and fear you were filled with about it. Then felt cheered when you reported that you'd survived and were able to bypass letting the incident take over your life and destroy the progress you were making.

You said you've been wondering about somehow observing that anniversary. Just my opinion, but perhaps you've already done a proper observation by expressing your feelings about it here. There may be other ways to go, but as you noted the truly important part is the self-care, in whatever form that takes, that will further highlight and solidify the progress your life's path took at that point. It may have felt a bit of a downer at the time, but  you put in some admirable self-care despite the fears that also came up about what happened.

I'm just saying it's very heartening to see the self-care you've been incorporating all along, however that gets symbolized (or if it does so at all).

Meanwhile, here's best wishes for your interview process.  :hug:

Elphanigh

Woodsgnome, I love your perspective on how to observe this anniversary. You are right, self-care in the way that I choose to do it now is part of that. It is amazing you remember some of what I was feeling and expressing back then. I remember it feeling like it was almost breaking me in half. I did almost break fully and give up on school etc. I didn't give up though. You are right I did not let it destroy my life and I have made a lot of progress in two years.

I feel a lot of grief today. Last year, I was anxious, triggered, and frozen. This year I feel hurt and can grieve the things I feel like I lost then. Before it happened, I had started to truly believe that I could go the rest of my life without having abuse like that happen again. I lost faith in that two years ago. That mindset got shattered in a matter of moments... I think I am slowly beginning to believe it again but I do not think that I will ever feel that it is so fully a fact as I used to. I am not sure I will ever get to feel it that much again. MAybe one day but for now it is a thing to grieve.

I also grieve my ability to enjoy my major life transitions again... It seems every time I have a major life change that something awful happens.. and two years ago felt like the universe just repeating the pattern again. I  am about to have another major life change, in three months I will be a licensed  therapist, starting my career, and living in a new place. With that I am hopeful and excited but there is always going to be a fear and a worry that something awful will happen again. I want to be able to have hope and excitement without the fear of the awful thing... I deserve to get to have that and I feel like l lost that two years ago too.

So I feel grief.. I wish that it hadn't happened. That I had stayed in my hotel that room and read my book that night. I know that I didn't do anything wrong and that I had no way to know but that I wish I could go back and change just one moment that day. To have gotten to start this chapter of my life on a high note. I can't do that and I need to feel my grief. It will get less over time, like everything else has.

For today, I am sitting in class (on zoom) and trying to hold both pieces of my life. I need to hold space for my grief and for my classes today.


Also thank you, I am excited for the interview and really appreciate the good wishes :hug:

Not Alone

I remember when that happened two years ago and the enormous anguish that you experienced. I want to send care as you are now feeling grief.  :hug:

Best wishes for your interview.

Elphanigh


Blueberry


Elphanigh

 :hug: :hug: I really appreciate that Blueberry.


I did okay yesterday. It was heavy and I felt a lot of grief surrounding it all. I wasn't overwhelmed or super triggered by it this year, I just hurt a lot. I ended up shedding a lot of tears and allowing myself to express the hurt I needed to feel. I don't often allow myself time to fall apart but I did yesterday and am grateful that I did. Today feels like a recovery, those feelings still exist but are lesser and I am able to let them slowly work out of my system as well. I feel like I am slowly processing and releasing the pain and trauma surrounding it. I know that the grief from that moment is connected to a lifetime of things to grieve so it is powerful to know that I can hold space for that grief and allow it to work through without consuming me. I am tired today, drained from the emotions yesterday but I am ultimately okay.

I have more to write, but for now, this is enough. I dealt with a lot yesterday and having just some time to reflect and rest today is important.

Elphanigh

I ended up going for a walk outside today (it is finally above freezing this week). My logic was to go to a paved walking trail, thinking it would have melted off much like some of the sidewalks in town had. When I got there it was still covered in a fair bit of snow, but I realized that the place was an important one to me. Somehow its significance did not register until I parked my car. The walking trail was one I visited two springs ago. I walked there on my second trip to this state, just a few months after I experienced a new trauma. I was yet again alone in this place and worried about how it would feel. I got bored that day (after looking at apartments and hanging out in my hotel room), and I decided to go to the nearest walking trail because it was beautiful out. On that walk, I met a woman with a young Siberian husky who came up to me looking to play. I ended up talking and walking with this woman for 10 or 15 minutes, just talking about why I was visiting and how her experience living here was. It was the biggest kindness that day and I know that woman will never know how much it meant to me. That day, a few months after a horrific trauma, I decided it was okay to still go to school here and to embrace the good here. That kindness was the sign I needed to carry on with my plans and to give me a bit of faith it would be okay here.

So ending up there by happenstance today was sort of meant to be I guess. I was reminded of that kindness. I hadn't thought about it in so long but I needed it today. It was a good perspective to get after yesterday's anniversary grief. I know, that so much kindness and joy has happened after that moment two years ago. That I love what I do and I am so grateful for the beautiful souls I have gotten to meet and call friends here. I have found so much of myself and learned how much this work fills my heart. I can't imagine life any different.. but without meeting that woman that day I am not sure what I would have chosen. That 15 minutes of kindness and connection probably changed the course of life at the time. She will never know that but I wish I could tell her.

That place reminds me that the awful night was just a moment as well. It is a glaringly painful and awful moment, but it is just a moment. That perspective doesn't make it hurt less but it does allow me to see it in perspective with all of the other moments that have happened. I didn't allow that moment to change my life, I didn't let that moment break me as much as I thought it would at times. If anything was going to break me it would have been that night, but it didn't. I have had so many more moments since then and will have so many more. As I sit here writing, I am tearing up again but that is okay. I have been crying a lot of cleansing tears in the last 24 hours or so. It is like shedding some of the pain.. I have lost so much and been hurt too many times to count in my life; there is a seemingly endless list of things that deserve tears and grief. I deserve to get to let them fall and take some of the hurt with them. It is not fun or easy but it is cleansing and for that I am glad. I also know I can hold that grief and the joy I have about other things. It makes me stronger and more able to allow the grief without fear of falling into it forever. I know that I won't fall into it forever because I haven't because I have so much joy and love to draw on in my life now that outweigh that grief.  So I can let the tears and the hurt exist fully for maybe the first time in my life.