Further Adventures of Elpha

Started by Elphanigh, July 24, 2020, 11:53:50 PM

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sanmagic7

dang, sweetie - how far you've come!!!  i remember when you first joined us, all the relationship stuff you were dealing with, taking that year off for therapy, the agony over being accepted for grad school, and then this triumph of now being what you sought out to be.  you are incredible, my dear, and definitely a shining light for all of us.  i've been proud and privileged to see you grow and blossom into this lovely flower you've become.  EMS always with you, you've managed to stay on your feet thru some of the toughest challenges on your way to where you now are.

i can't say enough.  love and hugs always! :hug:

Elphanigh

Thank you both so much  :grouphug:

Beekeeper, I probably won't read through old journals unless I truly feel the need to see that progress. You are right about not really needing to. The move has been exhausting and is finally done! I am excited to be on this side of it.

San, your words always mean so much! It has been such a long journey to get to this place.  I am so glad you have been a part of it for so long. That being said, I feel like I have so far to go. Sending lots of love  :hug: :hug:

Elphanigh

Well, it has been a month since I wrote here. Not the longest I have gone but certainly a large chunk of time. I was just thinking of this space and everyone in it but do not have the mental energy to read through journals atm. I hope to have that energy soon.

I have been in my new home for almost 2 months (although a month of that was spent between here and my last place). I am still settling in but it feels much more like home than it did at first.

Last week, I lost my aunt to a covid related stroke and spent a fair amount of time with my FOO for coordinating services and such. It was a sudden and tough loss that sort of stacked on top of having lost my great-grandmother this summer as well. I am ultimately doing okay and honestly feel sort of bad I am not doing worse than I am. I think just purely because this aunt had not been a big part of my life since I was 15 years old.. so a long time. I did cry and grieve while I was there so I have felt about it, just not as strongly as I did about my great-grandmother.

Being around my FOO, is challenging in some ways now but my relationship with them has changed greatly over the years. I am genuinely glad to see my M and siblings generally. My feelings on my D are still more mixed but those even are changing. I am able to keep boundaries and have them respected now. My FOO have become more healthy over the years, meaning they are growing enough to make it healthy enough for me to be around them (not for extended periods of time, I still like my space).

I am still working on trauma work while doing everything else in life. Digging at layers as they come up and sort of exploring areas that have opened up as the central traumas have processed through. I am loving life as a therapist. It has some stressful days/moments but I would not trade it for anything.

Anyways, that is my update for now. I love this space but know that I don't need it in the same ways I did when I first found it.


sanmagic7

so very glad to hear things are going so well for you, my dear el.  you have come so far, have worked so hard to get to where you are now, and i'm so proud of all you've accomplished. 

sorry about losing your relatives.  my heart's with you, as always.  keep up the brave work!  much love and a hug filled with happiness for you :hug:

Elphanigh

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond, San. I always love hearing from you  :hug:

Today has been tough as I had a stressful doctor's visit and then found out my GM was in the hospital from having a stroke (I just lost m aunt to a covid related stroke last week, so it makes me even more nervous than it already would have). What I know right now, about 4 hours down the road, is that she is stable and they are keeping her in the ICU tonight to be able to monitor any potential aftermath. Both the losses I have had recently would not compare to what losing her would feel like. I am choosing to be hopeful for her recovery and to not think the worst because I do not need to right now.

Anyways, I truly have next to no emotional or physical energy so I am going to sign off for the night and find some rest when I can.  :hug:

sanmagic7

fingers crossed and prayers flying, my dear.  love and a hug filled with hope. :bighug:

Elphanigh

Thank you dear friend  :hug:

Last I head she was going to be okay, but that was late last night. I am choosing to believe that and hope for the best.

Armee

 :hug: Elphanigh  :hug:

I'm so sorry to hear about your aunt and Grandma.

That's too much loss and grief, fear and change, E. You're doing a great job staying with the present moment.

I hope GM is on the path to getting better. I'm sending you and her warm thoughts and hope.

Elphanigh

Thank you so much  :hug:

My grandma does seem to be making a good recovery, which I am very grateful for. I do not know a whole lot about the specifics but I do know she is okay and recovering at home.

Honestly, I do not have many updates to put here this week other than life has been pretty hectic but in a much more positive way than it was a few weeks ago.

woodsgnome

Seems like you're weathering the current jolts and upsets with better equilibrium than when everything used to throw you for a loop.

I say good deal to that, but mostly I just want to add this little boost in the form of a gentle  :hug:, if that's alright with you.

Your life may not be on a perfectly even keel lately, but like so much, it's how well you survive the jolts that count. I hope you can continue finding the peace even within the mayhem.

Elphanigh

Woodsgnome, I so greatly apprecaite the kind words and the gentle boost  :hug: . I am managing the jolts so much better than I used to and seeing that progress helps a lot in managing them honestly. Currently, I am waiting on covid test results for myself (have had mild to moderate symptoms since Monday). 6 months ago I would have been very panicky and not handling well but I am glad to report I am pretty even keel about it. Hoping for a negative test result of course but not panicked about it like I would have been. It does mean doing a bit of everything extra tired and not feeling great but I have granted myself a lot of rest.

I have been doing some good trauma processing and also adapting to my role as a clinician. Then have also started to expand my personal life a little. Finding balance in all things I think. It is not perfect but it is growth.

Armee

Elphanigh,

It's been a lot of change and stress the past few months and I agree...you are doing really well. I'm so glad grandma is doing ok and you are getting your sea legs as a clinician.

BeeKeeper

Elpha,

I'm sorry to learn of your symptoms and hope you have a negative result. The fact that you are handling this differently than you might have previously speaks volumes. Stay the course and let us know.  :hug:

Elphanigh

Thank you both  :grouphug:

I am grateful to say my covid test came back negative so I am just normal sick, not covid sick. Today is not as rough as the last fwe have been. I seem to have a bit more energy and ability to focus than I have. This is probably helped by the fact I was able to eat more food than I have been.

Getting my sea legs as a clinician is certainly a learning curve. Honestly, I am quickly finding there is a lot of learning on the job that gets done because each client I see comes in with something entirely different. Often, this early in my career, it is something new to me. This challenges me to learn new things and to also learn how the skills I do have fit into those situations. Thankfully, I was taught that the ability to create safe relationships is one of the most important aspects of therapy so it allows me to be patient as I learn. I know that I am good at the relationship and safety building part of my job and that other things can be learned and explored as I need to. I am also reminded by my own therapist that I came into this field with more training and knowledge than many therapists do (i.e. EMDR, play therapy, trauma theory, somatic therapies, etc. ). I just hope to be the best clinician I can in any given moment.


Seeing my progress over the last years has been so helpful. I have taken time to truly reflect on how far I have come and it reminds me how good things are now. It also serves to remind me how far I could still go. The territory I am in with my healing journey is relatively uncertain and uncharted for me because I don't have a vision for what comes next. I reached the point that I thought would be as good as it could get quite a long time ago and continued to go past it. So I am creating new paths and spending time discovering what is possible for me. That does not mean things are always rainbows and butterflies, far from it, but it does mean there is something new almost every day. I am grateful to have the chance to explore this part of life and recovery so young in life. I know I have a lot ahead of me and it is fun to guess about what that could be.

Anyways, back to work I go. Thanks for always being a place where I can come even as my journey is so different than it was 5 or 6 years ago when I first found this place.

BeeKeeper

 :cheer: yeah! Negative. Whew.

This stands out to me:
QuoteI thought would be as good as it could get quite a long time ago and continued to go past it.

That's what is so inspiring and exciting to me, to go past the expectation.