Spiraling downward

  • 5 Replies
  • 292 Views
*

Geeky Gramma

  • Member
  • 17
  • empowered
    • View Profile
Spiraling downward
« on: July 25, 2020, 12:55:32 AM »
I have been struggling intensely with the symptoms of CPTSD,  and I feel like its taking me under. I feel like terror is lurking behind me. And inside of me. I cannot get out of the triggered state. I feel like repressed memories are trying to push through, and its so scary. I feel so alone. I'm trying to process the way it feels and I can't.  I need relief because I really can't stand it anymore. I've done all I can to push through.  The dread,  the flashbacks,  the regret and the shame are just too much. I have brought trauma from my childhood into my family. It's like a poison.  I thought I could end the trauma at me,  but my kids are affected,  and now my grandkids. I cannot bear all this pain. 

*

Slim

  • Member
  • 340
  • "No dramas"
    • View Profile
Re: Spiraling downward
« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2020, 08:12:54 AM »
Hi Geeky Gramma
I can see that you are in a lot of pain, and feeling disorientated. You seem to be attacking yourself quite brutally too.
I wonder if you experiencing an emotional flashback?  Of powerlessness, of shame?

It took me a couple of years to begin to understand them. I thought these overwhelming episodes of intense emotion, was me reacting to a current situation...i thought it was normal.

Hope that helps

Slim

*

Geeky Gramma

  • Member
  • 17
  • empowered
    • View Profile
Re: Spiraling downward
« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2020, 11:11:25 AM »
Slim-
I am struggling with both of those things, powerlessness and shame, but what is challenging is that my current situation makes those feelings appropriate.  I also know that there is flashback involved.
I don't know how to separate all of that.
I feel quite unable to continue to feel this horrific without relief. 
I am using all the tools I've been given. I am putting so much energy into trying to break out of this loop. 
This darkness is just so thick,  and the intense emotions are just so powerful. 
I don't want to sound negative.  But this is quite unbearable.
I so appreciate your kindness. It is comforting to feel understood.
-GG

*

Bach

  • Member
  • 505
    • View Profile
Re: Spiraling downward
« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2020, 01:35:01 PM »
I too understand.  Try to hang on.  Write here whenever you need to.  This is a good place, where people really do care and share, and acknowledge and respect each other.

I hope you can feel some relief soon.

*

Three Roses

  • Member
  • 3458
  • CPTSD is an injury, not an illness.
    • View Profile
Re: Spiraling downward
« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2020, 03:57:49 PM »
Sometimes it helps me when I realize that, even though I unknowingly dragged all the pain and dysfunction along with me into parenthood, I can now influence my children with the knowledge and healing I experience. Dysfunction can be pointed out and replaced with functionality. I can model functional behavior and healing, talk about mistakes I've made, and hopefully inspire self reflection and growth to them.

It also helps me to see that, like me, they are not finished products.

It is weird to me to know that the only way out of my EFs is "through" them. Avoiding them, going around them, backing away from them - do nothing to dispel them. Seems counterintuitive to me.

In the past, I used Pete Walker's 13 steps (http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm) to help me out of them. Nowadays I'm finding that the IFS concepts (https://youtu.be/LuJLv98ks-I) get me where I want to be much faster. I get deeper insights into the causes and better solutions, which seem to be longer lasting.

Hope all that helps you somehow.... Love and support to you, GG!  :hug:

*

notalone

  • Member
  • 2075
    • View Profile
Re: Spiraling downward
« Reply #5 on: July 25, 2020, 09:15:27 PM »
I know that feeling of thick darkness, shame, etc. and feeling like it will never end. I want you to know you are not alone. I understand.