Insomnia - My Plea to You

[BJeanGrey]

Another bout of insomnia and I wonder, did you ever feel loved? I've become obsessed with this question. Did anyone ever protect you? Hitting me like he hit you ... the same fists and names he hurled at you. The unspoken Golden Rule of trauma: Do onto others what has been done onto you. What happened to you? Please reach through and disrupt the linear finality of time and tell me. I need to know, because I fear... I am so afraid. A cocktail of middle of the night phone calls, slurred speech, and tears – a vague apology, a command to be left alone, and a hazy recollection of you weakly saying my name as I fell asleep 800 miles away. I am so sorry I left you alone. I still dream of you. Just the other night, exhaustion won out, and I dreamt about you. Your face turned down and away from me ... your back toward me ... arms pulled back ... hands cuffed ... something invisible leading you away from me ... you never looked back. I woke up longing for breath, for life ... for what I never had but deeply feel has been irretrievably lost. I really want a mom, but it feels too much like a betrayal to look for you in someone else. Too much of a betrayal of the pain that bore me, the suffering that raised me, and the death that destroyed me. I wear your genes – the hurt hangs off of my emaciated psyche like it hung off of your anorexic body. I am so afraid the future will be a B-movie reenactment of the past. Movie memories and stereo screams continuously replay in my head behind closed eyes. I beg you, please tell me, what happened to you? If I only knew, then maybe, just maybe, I could perhaps save myself.

[Bach]

I'm not sure what to say but I  wanted to tell you I read this and was moved by it.

[Three Roses]

Very moving. 

[BJeanGrey]

Thanks kindly for reading and replying, Bach and Three Roses. Sending kind thoughts your way.