Got to the root cause at last

[Jenny Blount]

Hi there,
I haven't posted for a while but I've being constantly trying  (like all of us) to manage fear, anxiety, memory and recovery. Noise is my chief trigger, and fear of triggering controls my life.

Last night I watched Jaws and thoroughly enjoyed it. I went to bed unrelaxed and on the alert. The noise of the traffic outside frightened me, it sounded aggressive. And then all of a sudden I was back in bed as a child, terrified of my father's anger.

I saw it, clear as day - the connection, long obscured, between my fear of noise and my father's anger. Everything finally fell into place.

I've circled the same problem for years and years but the final insight never came - until last night, when I saw myself in bed, in my bedroom, terrified of my father's anger. THIS is why I'm afraid, this is why it happened, this is how it happens. These are real and true memories and I've made the connections and come up with a reason that FITS TOGETHER.

I know I'll still trigger but I have the final piece of the puzzle and that is a great comfort, and a great achievement

[Three Roses]

 

[Kizzie]

It sounds scary and awesome all rolled into one Jenny - that's CPTSD for you!  Now you have that piece of the puzzle I hope your symptoms start to decrease. That's what tends to happen when we defuel our worst memories by bringing them to the surface and look at them in the light of day. 

[Jenny Blount]

Thank you! It's slow work!
I've also just realised my compulsive habits and my dissociative traits. I had a stressy day yesterday and today I'm deliberately letting myself self-soothe by just zoning out. No pressure, no shame, no guilt, no shoulds and oughts. It actually feels luxurious not having that overbearing voice in my head.

[Kizzie]

today I'm deliberately letting myself self-soothe by just zoning out. No pressure, no shame, no guilt, no shoulds and oughts. It actually feels luxurious not having that overbearing voice in my head.

Well done you, enjoy!               

[Not Alone]

I saw it, clear as day - the connection, long obscured, between my fear of noise and my father's anger. Everything finally fell into place.

I've circled the same problem for years and years but the final insight never came - until last night, when I saw myself in bed, in my bedroom, terrified of my father's anger. THIS is why I'm afraid, this is why it happened, this is how it happens. These are real and true memories and I've made the connections and come up with a reason that FITS TOGETHER.

I know I'll still trigger but I have the final piece of the puzzle and that is a great comfort, and a great achievement

Huge insight.    Still difficult, but sometimes knowing the "why" is helpful.

[Rainydaze]

It is progress to finally connect the dots and have some kind of clarity as to why your nervous system reacts to certain triggers the way it does. I'm really happy this has become clearer for you. I think when you can identify the root cause of why you react a certain way then it becomes so much easier to talk to your inner child and self-soothe. It is slow going because it's something that can't be forced and should be navigated gently, but it sounds like you're in a place now where your brain can begin to process the trauma that's been buried for so long.

[C.]

I love this description of your awareness. What a wonderful milestone.  Thank you for sharing it.  Sounds like all your effort towards recovery is really working.  Yay you!

It also made me think of a lot of people who feel triggered by loud sounds. Myself included. I bet abusive voices could be in their pasts too...I look forward to seeing how this plays out for you over time.  I can imagine now meeting a loud sound trigger with thoughts of how it sounds loud like dad, then moving on to another more helpful thought could happen... or something else?  I'm not really sure.  Again, thank you.