A letter to my narcissist

[Geeky Gramma]

To my narcissist:

There are some things I need to tell you now, some words I need to say—and SOOOO much of me that I am taking back from you—that you will never see again.  You have three faces.  You have lived in the darkness of my pain because of the parts of me that could not stand up to you—that could not bear to see you. You have had a chokehold on me for 57 years, and I nearly lost consciousness.  You have been poison in my bloodstream, surging and seeping into the marrow of my bones.   

My desperate broken longing heart learned to beat to the rhythm of your controlling pattern.   

Thump thump its all in your mind thump thump  you are imagining is thump thump I love you thump thump I hate you thump thump I will show you whos boss thump thump I want to love you thump thump you are too much thump thump I promise I wont thump thump im sorry you feel hurt thump thump I'm not perfect thump thump don't look back thump thump you are crazy thump thump whats wrong with you thump thump you are too sensitive thump thump get a grip thump thump I want to love you thump thump no one will believe you thump thump cant you see Im trying thump thump see me helping you thump thump you are the common denominator it's you thump thump the problem is you thump thump the problem is you don't forgive thump thump let's start now thump thump        I mean now thump thump no really I mean now thump thump

I met you when I was born.  I didn't know any different. Your controlling silence...your emotional unavailability...the things of which I do not yet remember, but are being kept safe for me...chipping away at my innocence. Piece by jagged piece, chards of my heart fell out of my chest and into my lap and onto the floor—then you looked straight into my eyes and pulverized the chards with your cruel foot—grinding it into diamond dust that blew away in the breeze.  I wanted your love so badly.  I craved your acceptance and your approval, but you played that hand close to your own cold heart.   

So I ran.  and I ran-an 18 year old young woman running with little girl legs--away from rejection and chaos and agony , and straight into your arms again.  You, my narcissist.  I gave you my girlhood.  I gave you my life.  I gave you my choice.  I gave you every tender bleeding part of myself, and your ego grabbed it in your unsafe dangerous hands.  I was excruciatingly naïve, desperate for attention, and willing to lock away my passions, my thoughts and my opinions for the sake of stability, which I deemed a worthy cause.  What I thought was stability was burning quicksand of the rest of myself going slowly under.  I stayed when I should have left.  I took it when I never should have let you finish your cruel sentence.  You mocked my injury with enthusiasm.  You had me convinced.  I BELIEVED YOU.  I took eager bites of lies that you served me daily.  And then I begged YOU not to leave ME. I promised to be better, when I was in no way capable.

And then you were also my child.  You were my entry into my dream come true. You were my reason.  I gave you such tenderness and love and encouragement, and I did my very best to be strong for you.  And yet you saw it as weakness. You were disgusted.  Somehow, someway, it happened again.  I saw you transform into this monster.  I saw the insidious power you wielded.  I see the sword you are still swinging, hacking at everyone I love.  I thought I knew the depth of the pain you, my narcissist, could inflict, until I saw YOU swing away.  Effortlessly.  Without hesitation, annihilating relationship and love and tender souls.  This pain is more intense than ever, and you know it.  You are BANKING on it.  You are COUNTING on it.

But no more. Even if my newly discovered voice is still shaking, I speak the words: NO MORE.   The diamond dust is being swept up and poured in a beautiful glass jar of healing.  I have made my choice.  I choose me, and you are no longer MY narcissist.  But you are still THE narcissist.  I wield the sword now, and it is a sword of hope and healing and freedom.  It is a sword of reconnection to my created self, before you rewired my mind and heart.  You no longer have access to my depth, to my dreams, to my focus. I have thrown the key into a bottomless pit.  I am diamond dust that is being forged into who I was made to be...before the pain and also after.  Before my heart was broken and also after 57 years of being too much and also not enough.  There is no love in you, narcissist, and the truth is LOVE WINS.  Love has already won. And I am now in warrior pose.

[Three Roses]

 
Powerful!