My journal of letting go

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Geeky Gramma

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My journal of letting go
« on: July 28, 2020, 02:23:26 AM »
Letting go of the wish of a mother who wanted me.  She didn't and now she's gone.
Letting go of the wish for a father that wanted me.  He didn't.  He doesn't.
Letting go of a family that I wished for, but instead received a battle zone with bullets flying and bombs exploding and landmines sending metal shrapnel  in every direction, piercing my heart on a daily basis.
Letting go of the wish for a partner who would see me.  Or hear me.  Or want me.  He wants control and I have always allowed it.
And when he disapproved of who I am and what I needed, I begged him to forgive ME.  I have laid on the floor begging more times than I can count, begging for another chance to earn his love.  Trying to please the unpleasable.  Trying to fix and help and sacrifice and deny until there was nothing of me left.  Screaming for love. Screaming into the dark.  Pretending for the world that I wasn't broken into a million pieces. 
Letting go of the child who has become a monster, and has denied me now my motherhood.  and my grandmotherhood.
Letting go of appeasing. Letting go of the white picket fences.  Letting go of dreaming.  Letting go of trying to save the world.  I need to save myself.  I never thought I was worth saving.  If I was worth something wouldn't my most important people want me?  Why did I have to earn it?  I was never able to earn it.  I shouldn't have HAD to earn it.  It should have been given freely.  So I give it to myself.
I have to rise up from these ashes.  I have to rise up and grab hold of the hope of healing from this injury that makes me feel so frozen and so scared.  I have asked God to take me.  SOOOOOO many times.  But I am still here.  I still have my injury.  It goes with me everywhere I go. Some days I hold my injury's hand, and some days it holds mine.  But I am letting go of my own misunderstanding. I look behind and reach for that little girl who wanted to be loved gently and unconditionally.  I am letting go of the noise, and embracing the quiet.  I am letting go of every person who treats me like I am too much.  I am letting go, for now, of being happy.  I am profoundly sad, and that's ok .
I am on a journey of unclenching fists, and relaxing my white knuckles and just...letting...go.   
Still frozen. Still shaking. Still agonizing.  But letting go.  I am letting go of the breath that I have been holding for 57 years. 
Exhaling the poison and inhaling the healing balm.
To be continued...

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BJeanGrey

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Re: My journal of letting go
« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2020, 05:38:00 AM »
I am profoundly sad, and that's ok .

It is okay. Sometimes letting go requires grieving.

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Three Roses

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Re: My journal of letting go
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2020, 03:05:39 PM »
Quote
I have to rise up from these ashes.  I have to rise up and grab hold of the hope of healing from this injury that makes me feel so frozen and so scared.... But I am letting go of my own misunderstanding.

I believe in you and in your own power. You have had the strength to bear the unbearable, to hold on in the face of the hurricane winds of narcissistic abuse, and now I believe in your strength to turn your pain into healing.

And we'll be here to listen, validate and cheer you on.

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notalone

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Re: My journal of letting go
« Reply #3 on: July 30, 2020, 01:03:03 AM »
I hear your grief.  :hug:

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Hope67

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Re: My journal of letting go
« Reply #4 on: August 07, 2020, 01:49:26 PM »
Hi Geeky Gramma,
I also hear your grief.  You have written a lot of powerful things.  "Inhaling the healing balm" - I will remember that especially.
Hope :-)