Separated from husband: alone together

[Geeky Gramma]

I struggle with CPTSD, and am recovering from codependency.  I have repressed memories of my childhood from before 13 years old. I was emotionally abused by my narcissistic parents, who hated each other.  I was raised in a war zone.  I left home in trauma at 18, and slid into a marriage as a result of what I now know was trauma bonding.  I started with chronic illness when I was pregnant w my 4th baby at 27.  My marriage was full of me/empath and him/narcissist nightmares.  No one knew outside of our family.  My symptoms increased and increased, and so did his narcissism.  I started therapy 2 years ago, and marriage counseling 1 year ago.  It was in marriage counseling that I started getting massively triggered, so that my lifecoach saw how bad things really were.  Each session he would manipulate and control, to the point where finally, a year in, my counselor said no more.  She told me husband if he continued to do what he was doing (controlling counseling and using her as a weapon against me) she would step out of counseling with us.  He kept it up, and she kept her word.  This just happened a few weeks ago.  I spent an entire week shocked to my core, because I told him if he did that, it was over.  He essentially spit in the face of reconciliation.  So I melted down to liquid for a bit.  Shaking, terrified...scared.  But it has sunk in.  My counselor has seen it, and supports me fully.  My heart is truly broken, but I HAVE to face the reality that for now, my marriage is over.  Here's the rub.  I am still living in this tiny house, in a separate room, during a pandemic, while I am attempting to break my trauma bond.  I am triggered almost 24/7 right now, as this last painful dying flesh is carved away.  But I know it must be carved away for me to heal.  At the same time, I feel like I am in a literal nightmare and I cannot wake up.  From everything I have read, from everything I have been told, there is no other way but to leave...to get away.  If I stay here, I have to find a way to do it in a healing way.  I am not there yet, but I am working on it.  I am a very intimate person, who has no clue how to be surface. I crave deep connection.  I have been married for 35 years.  We are the parents of 4 married kids, with 7 grandchildren.  And my whole world has fallen apart.  I am trying to stand on strong legs, but I am trembling from head to foot.  I am so lonely, and I want a hug so badly, and I would love to have someone come sit with me.  The grief is unbearable.  I am trying to take my power back.  I am trying to break this trauma bond.  I am trying to learn to love myself MORE than my fear of abandonment.

[Not Alone]

Any words that come to my mind are too weak. If I knew you IRL, I would just sit with you and hold your hand.

[Geeky Gramma]

Thank you so much.  I feel your support.