I've been isolating for my entire life

[dollyvee]

I think the problem with humans is that there are those out there who will try to take advantage if they perceive you to be 'weak'. The isolation that we tend to default to as a result of C-PTSD is by no means healthy, but I totally get where my subconscious is coming from when it defaults to telling me to stay away from people. We were let down by our parents/caregivers and in many cases probably had our abuse denied and minimised, plus we have potentially been taken advantage of or belittled by bullies (co-workers, bosses, fake friends, etc.) who spot our obvious social discomfort and see an easy target. Then we most likely shame ourselves for all of this (I know I do) and isolate ourselves further, even though none of it is by any means our fault.


Thank you for this...and to anyone else that has mentioned it as it's why I've returned to the forum after a long absence.

Sometimes I find myself running old programs - wanting to please at work that triggers these bullies. While I do stand up for myself, I feel I need to reprogram. EMDR has been *immensely* helpful with my anxiety and I recommend it to anyone, especially as if that anxiety/emotion seems overwhelming. This is a really good way to put a little distance between you and it and get a little relief.

[dollyvee]

I'm forced to in comparing now and then or for reference,  it's the here and now and sheerly, no blame is laid anywhere. I take responsibility for my actions and I know that if they knew better, they'd do better and everything had to happen for whatever reason - which is to rise above, most likely.

I just wanted to touch on this as it's what has led a lot of my journey and I believe it's addressed more in depth on other parts of the forum. I think it's quite a huge stepping stone if you're just discovering CPTSD as well.

Growing up in a narcissistic family led to a lot of blame (unfairly) on me as a child, as well as lots of increased responsibly as I had to "be the parent" to other adult family members.

This meant I had a tricky relationship with responsibility and blame, taking on responsibility where it wasn't mine to please people and unfairly taking the blame (which led to detrimental effects on self worth etc that I'm still unpacking).

While at university, I had a really good therapist in many ways, but who also missed the CPTSD dynamic in a narc relationship. They wanted to label me as a small portion borderline/histrionic because I had intense emotional reactions. In CPTSD I think these reactions are normal in someone who never had a reality but that's another topic.

I never really felt these labels were accurate for me as it was like I would be taking responsibility, that there was something "wrong" with me from a therapeutic standpoint. CPTSD helped see that these reactions were more than just histrionic/borderline and that they really weren't these things (and all the associations with them). That's why I think it is really important to find the right therapist which sounds like you're trying to do. 

Illness also played a part in my reactions and found that once I helped my underlying physical issues, my emotions also decreased, which is something not even considered by a lot of therapists.

Just wanted to say that I relate. It is a tough journey to be on but found things do get better over time and the right path is out there, maybe one with twists and turns.