I've been isolating for my entire life

[EdenJoy1]

I was raised in isolation.  I have no relationships to humans. I was never able to attach to them, only to animals and nature. I would like to change this but have no more energy to deal with the world. I have no way of deflecting what I perceive out there and with people. I do have to occasionally interface with people, but it is extremely hard to this, for so many reasons, being able to read people and then not having boundaries so I internalize and then feel hurt by everything unless I go in fortified by praying and meditation. I don't have a therapist - left that years ago. I have severe trauma since infanthood.

How can I change this way of being?

[dreamriver]

Hi EdenJoy. Welcome to the forum 

First of all: I can very much relate to you. Only in my case, I've both not developed and lost attached relationships and this makes me very wary, and I have a very hard time getting close to or trusting my fellow human beings. I am not a social animal. I tend to have avoidant attachment tendencies.

Second: my first step in healing this has been not being hard on myself for being this way. It is not my fault, and it is not yours that we struggle with this, even if it's something you and I wish to improve.

In fact, placing the blame *off* of my shoulders for this, and embracing who I am (kind of a loner), has actually helped me in being a little less wary! If you can believe it. It was because of how I was raised and nurtured (or more accurately, not nurtured) that I cope in this way, and it is my early childhood trauma, not who I am, that is at fault - it was what was inflicted on me by others that is to blame, not me at all. That has been an enormous and healing release.

Don't be too hard on yourself. I still don't trust easily or have many close people in my life or closeness with family at this point, but realizing there is nothing inherently wrong with me and internalizing that has really helped me be more at ease with others....and that's a door opened to potential closer attachments with others, though that will always be slow. But at least it makes it possible. I still have my rough days with it where I'm hard on myself nonetheless. It's not perfect.

But I have boundaries and call all the shots ultimately of who I want to let in. And that's a good thing. Needless to say, I'm much more at ease with myself around others than I used to be, because I go into social interactions needing to protect myself, and seeing it this way has helped immensely...I don't get to be hurt again. That's the positive!

I am this way so I could survive and I have survived. It's helped me to honor that side of me instead of castigate it, or feel shame, or feel like something is wrong with me. This side of me is my "personal protector" and companion as I see it, and in that sense, I'm never truly alone - and the next step is talking to this protective side and asking it to lighten up a little sometimes if I'd like to be open to attachment with others. (If you haven't heard of it, I'd recommend Internal Family Systems Therapy, it's all about getting acquainted with the own innate/internal protective "family" within each of us).

It's very likely that you don't have any energy to deal with the world because you need to put all that energy back into yourself 🙂

I don't know if this resonates with you. But thought I would put all that out there. Internalizing others' reactions to me and my wariness also gets under my skin, too, and I easily get hurt and take things personally....I'm slowly learning that a lot of the signals, judgments, and behaviors that come at us from other people, though, almost never have anything to do with ourselves but is way more about the other person.

I've been listening to the Beyond Bitchy podcast (I heard of it through this forum - thanks y'all!) and in the early episodes she talks about the "Listening Boundary," which is also hugely helpful to me and might be helpful to you. It's knowing to sort your own reality out of the other realities other people try to superimpose on you (e.g. feeling hurt by someone's regard toward you and thinking it's all your fault, but then realizing it's actually because *they* are insecure about something....and might even be projecting that onto you).

Anyways I've blabbed too long. Hope this is helpful. And again, welcome. You'll get so many good tools and amazing support here. 🙂

[Not Alone]

Perhaps participating in the forum is a step toward "changing that way of being." Welcome. 

[EdenJoy1]

Thank you both for your replies. I have been in this *trying to heal mode* for many many years and nothing has worked. I joined this site because I really want to get the wheels moving in the direction of finding the help I need.  I cannot heal in isolation, this is clear. I cannot heal in an unsafe environment, also clear. What I do need is a healer, master therapist who will work with me via Zoom or Skype and can commit to helping me in a wholistic, therapeutic way that covers mind/body and spirit. Someone who knows the C-PTSD territory and who uses many tools to help. Someone who is intuitive and understanding, who has done their own work. That is what I need. I also do not have much time to waste as I am dealing with a rather serious illness at the moment, and would like to have cleared out my trauma before it is too late.

[BJeanGrey]

One of the worst parts of CPTSD, for me at least, is exactly what you've described. For me, I really, really, really, want to have close caring relationships, but I just can't. People freak me out when I read their body language and voice tone - I read it as negative towards me. So, I isolate a lot. I, too, am much more comfortable around animals and nature - I interact with people's dogs and cats more than I do with the people themselves. And, like you, I've had an immensely difficult time trusting people, especially for me authority figures, which means that I've had an immensely difficult time finding a therapist I trust. It's incredibly frustrating because the whole "therapist shopping" thing is very psychologically harmful for people with CPTSD - we have to make ourselves vulnerable every time we try a new therapist, and making ourselves vulnerable is incredibly painful and difficult.

In short, you are so not alone. I'm so sorry you're dealing with so much right now - dealing with illness on top of CPTSD on top of trying to find a good therapist. It's a lot, and it is completely understandable that you'd feel the way you're describing - anyone who has gone through what you've gone through would. So, no shame and no blame. Wishing you well and luck in finding a good therapist.

[EdenJoy1]

Thank you for your kind reply and empathy in this. It's like a club where the language is known only to those who've gone through this battle. The isolating has been installed as the background program, I just continued where my caretakers left off.  While not being raised completely feral or in total isolation because there was formal care, the gist is that I never did manage to attach or formulate that instinct to with humans. I did have a cat and a dog during those formative years but they were used as emotional collateral and served also as pinnacle traumatic experiences in their losses, at the hands of others.

So any kind of human relationship - is like a foreign theme. I don't get it. Don't understand the dynamics and guessing has proven exhausting. With animals it is very natural. I just get it. No trying to figure things out. With people it's always - let me figure them out, see the operation and interface in survival mode. Safety as we know is the key, for some reason the safe people who are also savvy in the realm of trauma have eluded so far. This only could be attributed to not crossing paths, timing. I still believe in possibility and finding the self in all of this.

[Three Roses]

It's like a club where the language is known only to those who've gone through this battle.

I've often said I felt as though others had all been given a secret password or handshake, but not me. I get this. Glad you're here.

[dreamriver]

Hi EdenJoy - I'm so sorry if my words were misplaced. I hope you find the therapist you're looking for, that sounds like a lovely solution. I wish I could find that for myself, too. This forum has been so helpful to me in ways that transcend a therapist, and even though mine was so helpful, it felt like only talking with others who *really* understood started moving the cogs towards healing with me. I have a long way to go. And I also felt some distrust with therapist still.... Some days just getting a message here from someone who really *gets* it was the only hope for restoring my trust in others or a light at the end of the tunnel. A therapist who has CPTSD (like Pete Walker) would be amazing. Take care and good luck on your healing journey  ♥️

[woodsgnome]

This thread, like so many here, stands out for its qualities displaying acceptance (even if reluctant), honesty, and quiet but determined resolve to discover something, almost anything, that holds any promise of some new direction towards healing and serving your needs better, Edenjoy1.

I heartily agree with dreamriver's assessment that there needn't be any shame attached to what was a natural response to abusive people who stole basic human dignity from you. Unfortunately, it takes lots of lonely agony and sometimes failed attempts to correct this energy-draining trait which, again, was not your fault.

I've had an unusual ride with this. Growing up in a den of distrustful adults, I somehow found a sense of humour and 3 very short-term "angels" that planted seeds on which I could reliably nurture my inner garden. Then as an adult I was able to translate an interest into a vocational situation I could handle. But when that changed due to external circumstances, the mistrust and struggle moved right back in, flooding me with renewed despair and hopelessness.

I (also in desperation) tried the therapy route and found exactly what's been talked about here -- more fear and a reluctance to force myself any further. Fortunately I gave it one last shot a few years ago and found someone who was ideal for what I needed -- which, as talked about, included acceptance and work on their part. It wasn't a top-down relationship. It hasn't been perfect, I suppose; but what is? The key here , though, is to stay open if one is searching in that regard -- an open therapist with at least some trauma-based experience is probably more attainable than a perfect one. Perfection is perhaps more flexible than we think, or at least it was for me.

It was pointed out that your appearance here is not just an appeal for help, but a meaningful sign that your own strong self is now willing to grab back what was stolen from you -- your capacity for self-love and especially self-compassion.

Despite the complication you mentioned, mixed as it appears to be with the physical setbacks you mentioned, I found your writing to be compelling evidence that you have turned a corner towards reclaiming what is your birthright.

No, you probably won't, and probably would just feel uncomfortable, moving towards becoming a wildly social being, but just by accepting yourself you've acknowledged that it's hard, yes; but you also feel that somehow you can find a more peaceful self-respecting path towards the process of at least diminishing your overwhelm to a state of knowing and finding some better way than what happened in the past.

Wishing the best for you as you continue finding your way.

[Rainydaze]

Thank you for your kind reply and empathy in this. It's like a club where the language is known only to those who've gone through this battle. The isolating has been installed as the background program, I just continued where my caretakers left off.  While not being raised completely feral or in total isolation because there was formal care, the gist is that I never did manage to attach or formulate that instinct to with humans. I did have a cat and a dog during those formative years but they were used as emotional collateral and served also as pinnacle traumatic experiences in their losses, at the hands of others.

So any kind of human relationship - is like a foreign theme. I don't get it. Don't understand the dynamics and guessing has proven exhausting. With animals it is very natural. I just get it. No trying to figure things out. With people it's always - let me figure them out, see the operation and interface in survival mode. Safety as we know is the key, for some reason the safe people who are also savvy in the realm of trauma have eluded so far. This only could be attributed to not crossing paths, timing. I still believe in possibility and finding the self in all of this.

I think the problem with humans is that there are those out there who will try to take advantage if they perceive you to be 'weak'. The isolation that we tend to default to as a result of C-PTSD is by no means healthy, but I totally get where my subconscious is coming from when it defaults to telling me to stay away from people. We were let down by our parents/caregivers and in many cases probably had our abuse denied and minimised, plus we have potentially been taken advantage of or belittled by bullies (co-workers, bosses, fake friends, etc.) who spot our obvious social discomfort and see an easy target. Then we most likely shame ourselves for all of this (I know I do) and isolate ourselves further, even though none of it is by any means our fault.

I've thought about all this so much over the years because I struggle too. I've come to the conclusion that boundaries are key in learning to trust our adult selves enough to put ourselves out there and to try to have more positive social experiences. We will still come across potentially abusive people, but I think it enables us to better spot toxic behaviour and to know our own self worth enough to create distance between us and those who will take advantage. I agree with dreamriver, the 'Beyond Bitchy' podcast is such a fantastic starting point in learning the basics of boundaries and I really recommend it. When I listen to it it's like having a healthy mother figure sitting me down and getting me up to speed with all the life skills that I should have been taught.  I've also recently discovered a podcast called 'Social Anxiety Solutions' which is also a really positive, compassionate resource. It's provided so much comfort to me just lately and inspired some hope that things could get better. 

I also understand animals far more than I do people. They're straightforward and non-judgemental, so there are fewer C-PTSD triggers. I say 'fewer' because they're not perfect either, my dog is a naturally anxious creature and when she is on edge and barking at every single noise it very much triggers me! I can at least relate to her on that level though and understand that she's just fearful and needs to be soothed. It's a kind of mutual compassion and we can accept each other for what we are.

No, you probably won't, and probably would just feel uncomfortable, moving towards becoming a wildly social being, but just by accepting yourself you've acknowledged that it's hard, yes; but you also feel that somehow you can find a more peaceful self-respecting path towards the process of at least diminishing your overwhelm to a state of knowing and finding some better way than what happened in the past.

So true, I think there's a lot of peace to be found in learning to care for ourselves regardless of where we're at in our lives and to try to take things at a gentle pace. It's so easy to fall into the trap of shaming yourself when you feel such a big disconnect from society at large.

Much peace to you Edenjoy1, you're really not alone in these feelings. 

[EdenJoy1]

Thank you. It's another world, isn't it. People in trauma understand, though we'd really prefer not to. If we could only move past this into a new life, we could be of help to so many.

It's like a club where the language is known only to those who've gone through this battle.

I've often said I felt as though others had all been given a secret password or handshake, but not me. I get this. Glad you're here.

[EdenJoy1]

Hi, Nothing was misplaced - everything is good. I really hope - with the power of my heart that healing will come to you, to all those suffering - an awakening to our true selves and suffering will be a part of the dream. 

Hi EdenJoy - I'm so sorry if my words were misplaced. I hope you find the therapist you're looking for, that sounds like a lovely solution. I wish I could find that for myself, too. This forum has been so helpful to me in ways that transcend a therapist, and even though mine was so helpful, it felt like only talking with others who *really* understood started moving the cogs towards healing with me. I have a long way to go. And I also felt some distrust with therapist still.... Some days just getting a message here from someone who really *gets* it was the only hope for restoring my trust in others or a light at the end of the tunnel. A therapist who has CPTSD (like Pete Walker) would be amazing. Take care and good luck on your healing journey  ♥️

[EdenJoy1]

Hi woodsgnome,

We could talk about nature. That's something I know much about. The qualities of healing in the perfect silence. Where I never felt threatened but actually totally at home. I miss that.

Regarding therapists, there is just a huge missing link in their understanding of this, as you know and I've felt that for so many years I've been the therapist to them, educating them and guiding them, seeing their own places where they were overcompensating. There weren't many stones I left unturned in attempting to heal - from 12 step to body work, meditation, books, lectures, prayers, studying and more. In the end it is a journey to self and maintaining connection that I've always needed but in what environment? When I was 16 I was a runaway, I landed in a half-way house and for the first time I felt I was a part of something - a family. A jarring, but necessary eye-opener of how much I'd been adrift and out of synch with life and the living. But it wasn't meant to be a permanent placing and so I was returned to where I started out and that has been a downward spiral - though I claw up.

Your words are strong and resonate. Thank you for them.

This thread, like so many here, stands out for its qualities displaying acceptance (even if reluctant), honesty, and quiet but determined resolve to discover something, almost anything, that holds any promise of some new direction towards healing and serving your needs better, Edenjoy1.

I heartily agree with dreamriver's assessment that there needn't be any shame attached to what was a natural response to abusive people who stole basic human dignity from you. Unfortunately, it takes lots of lonely agony and sometimes failed attempts to correct this energy-draining trait which, again, was not your fault.

I've had an unusual ride with this. Growing up in a den of distrustful adults, I somehow found a sense of humour and 3 very short-term "angels" that planted seeds on which I could reliably nurture my inner garden. Then as an adult I was able to translate an interest into a vocational situation I could handle. But when that changed due to external circumstances, the mistrust and struggle moved right back in, flooding me with renewed despair and hopelessness.

I (also in desperation) tried the therapy route and found exactly what's been talked about here -- more fear and a reluctance to force myself any further. Fortunately I gave it one last shot a few years ago and found someone who was ideal for what I needed -- which, as talked about, included acceptance and work on their part. It wasn't a top-down relationship. It hasn't been perfect, I suppose; but what is? The key here , though, is to stay open if one is searching in that regard -- an open therapist with at least some trauma-based experience is probably more attainable than a perfect one. Perfection is perhaps more flexible than we think, or at least it was for me.

It was pointed out that your appearance here is not just an appeal for help, but a meaningful sign that your own strong self is now willing to grab back what was stolen from you -- your capacity for self-love and especially self-compassion.

Despite the complication you mentioned, mixed as it appears to be with the physical setbacks you mentioned, I found your writing to be compelling evidence that you have turned a corner towards reclaiming what is your birthright.

No, you probably won't, and probably would just feel uncomfortable, moving towards becoming a wildly social being, but just by accepting yourself you've acknowledged that it's hard, yes; but you also feel that somehow you can find a more peaceful self-respecting path towards the process of at least diminishing your overwhelm to a state of knowing and finding some better way than what happened in the past.

Wishing the best for you as you continue finding your way.

[EdenJoy1]

Hi, blues_cruise - yes, ultimately it does come down to boundaries, connection and purpose. I don't reflect much back unless I'm forced to in comparing now and then or for reference,  it's the here and now and sheerly, no blame is laid anywhere. I take responsibility for my actions and I know that if they knew better, they'd do better and everything had to happen for whatever reason - which is to rise above, most likely. Rising above in soaring eagle and phoenix mode.  The isolation has been the only remedy I could do given the circumstances, no one having my back, basically. It was the walls or risk getting hit.  The enemy wasn't and still isn't within the family structure but later, as you mentioned, the ones who hone in on the injured, like opportunistic jackals.  I am not weak, but injury is injury, sensitivity is what it is - and this needs solitude and the basic mindfulfness that this brought. Here I am, these are my wounds, no distractions, I can use this time to heal. 

Now boundaries - yes. How they are, what they are, what they feel like and how can they be applied. Where do they go? I hear experts and read but really nobody knows the inner terrain of each person, and so the mechanics of this must be suited individually.  Things I think about.

I think the problem with humans is that there are those out there who will try to take advantage if they perceive you to be 'weak'. The isolation that we tend to default to as a result of C-PTSD is by no means healthy, but I totally get where my subconscious is coming from when it defaults to telling me to stay away from people. We were let down by our parents/caregivers and in many cases probably had our abuse denied and minimised, plus we have potentially been taken advantage of or belittled by bullies (co-workers, bosses, fake friends, etc.) who spot our obvious social discomfort and see an easy target. Then we most likely shame ourselves for all of this (I know I do) and isolate ourselves further, even though none of it is by any means our fault.

I've thought about all this so much over the years because I struggle too. I've come to the conclusion that boundaries are key in learning to trust our adult selves enough to put ourselves out there and to try to have more positive social experiences. We will still come across potentially abusive people, but I think it enables us to better spot toxic behaviour and to know our own self worth enough to create distance between us and those who will take advantage. I agree with dreamriver, the 'Beyond Bitchy' podcast is such a fantastic starting point in learning the basics of boundaries and I really recommend it. When I listen to it it's like having a healthy mother figure sitting me down and getting me up to speed with all the life skills that I should have been taught.  I've also recently discovered a podcast called 'Social Anxiety Solutions' which is also a really positive, compassionate resource. It's provided so much comfort to me just lately and inspired some hope that things could get better. 

I also understand animals far more than I do people. They're straightforward and non-judgemental, so there are fewer C-PTSD triggers. I say 'fewer' because they're not perfect either, my dog is a naturally anxious creature and when she is on edge and barking at every single noise it very much triggers me! I can at least relate to her on that level though and understand that she's just fearful and needs to be soothed. It's a kind of mutual compassion and we can accept each other for what we are.

No, you probably won't, and probably would just feel uncomfortable, moving towards becoming a wildly social being, but just by accepting yourself you've acknowledged that it's hard, yes; but you also feel that somehow you can find a more peaceful self-respecting path towards the process of at least diminishing your overwhelm to a state of knowing and finding some better way than what happened in the past.

So true, I think there's a lot of peace to be found in learning to care for ourselves regardless of where we're at in our lives and to try to take things at a gentle pace. It's so easy to fall into the trap of shaming yourself when you feel such a big disconnect from society at large.

Much peace to you Edenjoy1, you're really not alone in these feelings. 

[EdenJoy1]

Thank you.  I can envision that becoming.

Perhaps participating in the forum is a step toward "changing that way of being." Welcome.