Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.

[Hope67]

3rd August 2020.

Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.

WhoBuddy recommended a book to me about Befriending parts, which is by Janina Fisher, and I have been struggling to start this latest journal, so I've resorted to copying the notes I wrote from her book, as they highlight some of my aims in continuing this journey:

I hope to:
* Develop and form internal attachment relationships to my young selves
* Be mindful of conflicts, ambivalence, or confusion = manifestations of struggles between parts
* Build empathy and attunement to parts
* Overcome self-alienation
* Mindfully scan my body and feeling states for the communications from my fragmented selves
* Adopt or come to love the hurt, lost and lonely parts
*Develop self-compassion and awareness
* Befriend my parts and earn their trust
* Try to develop the following qualities as antidotes to the painful experiences suffered by exiled child parts: Curiosity; Clarity; Creativity; Calm; Courage; Confidence; and Commitment.
* Aim to help my adult self to grow these 'C' qualities listed above, to help the child parts learn to turn to a 'self-led' wise adult self who can reassure their fears and loneliness.

Previously, I noted the following from the book, as helpful, and I still feel it is helpful now, so including it:
"Traumatic events – encoded as implicit emotional and physical states, rather than encoded in the form of chronological narrative.  Disowning the "not me" or trauma-related parts and the ability to function without awareness of having been traumatized.  Assume that all distressing thoughts, feelings and body responses are communications from trauma-related parts."

Tip: Notice the parts' distressing emotions and unsafe impulses and regulate them, rather than react to them.

(I've had to resort to copying the start of a previous journal of mine, because I found parts have been resistant to my starting a new journal – especially as I've been away for a few weeks from the forum)

I am however glad to be back here, as I feel like I need to use this space to move forward in my journalling, and connect with others here. 

I value any replies or comments from others.  It feels very validating to share things in that way, and I am grateful to everyone who has written in my previous journals. 

(I'm aware there are resistant parts of me today – but I really want to write these things right now.  I want to start this journal off).

I feel like I need to say to all my parts, 'please don't worry' 'I am going to try to ensure you're all part of my life, and noone will be missed out or neglected, I care about you all.'  (Feeling reassured by this).

Glad to have written something, and started this new journal today.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

glad you're back, hope.  that last bit that you wrote for your resistant parts did sound reassuring.  i'll bet they were glad to hear it.  and congrats on going thru the fear door to begin a new journal.  i know that can be tough sometimes.

keep up the good work, my dear.  it sounds like you're using all the resources at your disposal, and i give you a lot of credit for that, even if sometimes it's scary.  i did like that quote from the book, too - how we deny the trauma that's so ingrained in us.  at least realizing that gives us a foothold on the reality of what's going on with our behaviors, thoughts, and words.  nice!

love and hugs, hope.

[Hope67]

Hi Sanmagic,
It's good to be back, despite the reservations from some of my parts - they have been resistant on occasions, and I hope to write about some of that, at some point.  It was incredibly hard to write/start a new journal - even though I wanted to.  Now that I have, it's ok.  I've done it.

I appreciate the love and hugs, and I'm looking forward to catching up with things here.  Being away for a month, it seems a long time.  I guess it is.  Yet somehow time also went relatively quickly too.


Hope 

[Three Roses]

Glad you're back - your posts are encouraging, thoughtful and uplifting. 

[Tee]

  I'm glad your back as well I missed you hope!

[Snowdrop]

Your aims for the new journal sound great, Hope.

[Bach]

That's a great set of goals, Hope. Best wishes for your continued journey 

[Hope67]

Hi Three Roses - thanks for saying that, and I'm glad to be back, as I've missed you and everyone.   
Hi Tee - I missed you too 
Hi Snowdrop - Thank you, and I've missed you.   
Hi Bach - Thank you so much, and I've missed you and everyone.   

6th August 2020
I'm not sure what I'm going to write, so I'll just write and see what I write about.  Seems to free me up more if I do that, rather than think in a prescribed way about what to write.  I've noticed resistance amongst my parts, and I want to comment that the reason for this is because there's been changes - particularly that I've discovered now that I can actually listen to them, and also that they can talk for themselves!  I must admit that I'd been scared to communicate with them in the past, and it's taken me a long time to discover this.  But now that I know I can hear them and they speak for themselves - it's helping me to understand and realise a lot more things. 

I'm needing to be careful about what I share, because I realise that some parts like each other, and some don't like aspects of my personality at all.  This brings conflict sometimes, and I am getting more aware of it.

I'll try to give an example of some of the things that were happening in June - before I decided to take a break for July.  I had decided to listen to a shamanic drumming session that someone had recommended - I think it was Snowdrop - (even me writing that amuses me right now, as I 'know' it was Snowdrop, but I feel embarrassed by knowing that for some reason.  The things was that I had been cautioned about approaching something without checking that all parts were on board for something, and I think (know) - slightly less certain now of my memory - that Snowdrop had cautioned me as well - and the other person was the guy who advocates IFS (whose name has slipped out of memory now) - back again - Richard Schwartz. 

Possible TW if you don't like mentions of anger/wrath for this next paragraph ## (now I can't find the star icon on my computer - feel as if I'm getting some dissociation now - interesting...) 
I ended up listening to the shamanic drumming, and trying to process something, and it seemed to evoke the wrath and anger of a part of myself that was not on board to do this at all.  Very angry, very upset about my doing that.

Anyway, I discovered that I need to be careful in proceeding with the full cooperation and permission of my parts - and yet I also want to say to them all today - that I need to be here, and communicate and learn things in this forum, as it's been so helpful to me, and I feel like I need to be here.

Being away for a month, it was actually harder than I thought it would be - I wanted to do that for having a break - but I admit I popped back a couple of times in the month, and read things that people wrote, and then I felt like I should reply and say something, but felt I wasn't strong enough to be away from here, and that somehow I 'should' be.  I know 'should' is a trigger for many people - and I also feel that way about it - hence I wonder which part of me puts those rules in place.

I read a book in the last few weeks - I had started reading one by Jung about his autobiography, and I couldn't get very far with it in the end, but I do really like it, and hope to continue to read it, but the one that I ended up reading was by Mae West (the daughter of Rose and Fred West) - I hope to write more about that, as it really was helpful to me to read her experiences.  She wrote about her family dynamics, and so many aspects of her relationship with her parents reminded me of my own experiences.  She wrote it so well, and was open and frank about all her experiences.  I wrote some notes on the book, and I hope to quote some things that resonated with me.  I took hope from the fact that Mae has gone on to have a positive life for herself, and I wish her the best for her future life. 

I've been communicating with parts of myself at night, as I'm going off to sleep, and that's been happening most nights.  Sometimes I've woken with very dark feelings - but I've not been frightened, and I've not had any bad sleep experiences - I've not had any night terrors for a long time now, and that's a big change.

I have to go now as I hear my partner coming back - but it's been good to write this.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Yes that was me!

Well done for letting the parts talk to you. I find it invaluable.

Anyway, I discovered that I need to be careful in proceeding with the full cooperation and permission of my parts - and yet I also want to say to them all today - that I need to be here, and communicate and learn things in this forum, as it's been so helpful to me, and I feel like I need to be here.

I don't know if this helps, but I find that sometimes parts want me to post things, and sometimes they don't. An example of this is that when I unburden parts, they need to be witnessed. It's usually enough for me to witness the part, but sometimes they need more. Posting on here provides that extra witnessing.

You're doing brilliantly, Hope. So glad to see you back.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
I'm actually relieved you commented, as I realised I'd mentioned you, and that parts of myself were not happy I'd named you - but hearing from you has helped to reassure some parts that it was ok.  I really appreciate what you said, and I like the fact that you said that allowing the parts to talk to a person is something that you find 'invaluable' as that is such a great word to describe it - I feel like that too.  I think it's really interesting and I feel humbled that they are now talking so readily - although it has also been quite over-whelming sometimes too.

It does help very much to hear your experience - and that sometimes parts want you to post things, and sometimes they don't - that does also happen to me.  I also relate to what you said about the need to be witnessed - that each part might need that from the 'self' or from others - I think that the fact that some scenes I have flitting in my mind sometimes (often from much younger selves/parts) are continually shown to me, as that part wants to be seen/heard, and for me to understand.

Anyway Snowdrop, thank you for sharing your experiences on this journey, I value what you write, and hearing your experiences - especially on the IFS (internal family systems) (very annoying habit of mine to write out things, but I do tend to do that).

7th August 2020
Again, I'm going to just write in a free-flowing way - I have no idea what I'm going to write just now, but I think that doing it this way, it's more helpful to me to actually write.

Last night I was experiencing lots of body memories - and flashes of scenes in my mind which appeared connected to those memories, but which I find hard to capture again in the light of day.  But I feel like there's so much going on at night now - but they are things that I feel ok with - I haven't experienced night terrors for a long time now.  Just dreams and thoughts, feelings, and body memories.  Those are manageable, and I am welcoming them, as I try to listen for information and process things.

As I write this, I wonder whether I'd be best to do a dream journal, and then write about any themes that come up in that.  I don't know.  Not sure yet how I want to try to focus on those things.

I'm hoping to get to read some other people's journals, because I feel as if I've been self-focused, and I want to catch up with people here, and I realise that I feel like you're friends - I have missed people, and I admit I did pop in a couple of times (maybe a few more times than that). 

I have some angst now from a part of myself who thinks I shouldn't be writing some of these things - but I want to say to that part that I do think it's important to acknowledge my feelings and my thoughts about that.  It's not so bad to share that.  (I feel myself relaxing a bit). 

Hope 

[Bach]

Hugs to you, Hope   I'm doing some really heavy work lately and haven't got much to contribute here right now, but I wanted you to know that I'm reading and that I really appreciate your sharing here in general, and your stopping by my thread in particular 

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
Thank you - I also appreciate you, and wish you well with the really heavy work you're doing lately.   

8th August 2020
I'm struggling with my words today - but I do want to write more - hopefully later today - if I can. 
Hope 

[Three Roses]

 

[Tee]

 

[marta1234]

Sending much love Hope . I also haven't congratulated you to starting a new journal, so  . But it's ok to go back to your old one, if you ever feel like it (I just don't want you to feel pressured).I hope I wasn't out of line saying that...
In any case, I wanted to also send a gentle hug (if it's ok) to your parts that seem hesitant or are struggling with the new journal; I wanted to say that I look up to their courage to opening up and listening to you, Hope.