Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.

[Hope67]

Hi Three Roses and Tee, Thank you both for the hugs 

Hi Marta,  Thank you so much    I appreciated what you said, and thank you for it, because it was validating to hear, and I also like the gentle hug too - thank you.  I found it interesting that you said 'their courage to open up and listen' - and I think that my parts are mainly speaking, and that I (in self) am listening - but I think I'm beginning to interact with them, and tentatively ask them things, and they are listening and reacting/responding sometimes.  I really appreciated you saying what you thought about it, because it's helped me to think more about it too. 

9th August 2020
I feel like I'm doing a lot of processing this past few nights - and last night I felt like I'd done a lot of dreaming, processing, but couldn't recall much of what had happened - I was just left with quite intense feelings in the morning, but somehow I felt as if I'd achieved something during the night.  That's a strange thing - because I can't put words into 'what' I achieved - it's just a 'felt sense of achievement' somehow.

I've noticed that I've written some notes on a pad of paper, and although I can't remember how long ago I wrote them - I am going to just write them here, as I think I'll tear up the physical paper, and keep the notes in this journal:

They were:

"Re-parenting - the act of giving yourself what you didn't receive as a child.
Physically present?
Emotionally present?
Highly distracted
Chaos and co-dependence.

Anxiety manifested as... obsessive-compulsive 'achievement' behaviour.
Channeled my anxiety.  Underneath achievement behaviours is a lot of pain and unhealthy conditioning.

They were doing the best they could with their level of awareness.

Resistance - therapy.  Accepting help."

Those are my notes I wrote - I managed to get some glimmers of memory as I re-typed them here - I think I might have been reading things in this forum yesterday and jotted down some notes from things people said, but I have no idea who said what or where now.  The notes about 'resistance' were due to my watching on 'catch-up TV' the episodes of 'My Family' - and there was an episode where the couple were having therapy and the therapist was having her own issues - and she spoke quite sarcastically about the fact that most clients/patients would use up the 50 minute session with 'resistance' and then in the final minute have something important they wanted to discuss. 

This was meaningful to me, as I have had two occasions of past therapy - both were related to work, and the first time, I used the sessions to focus on work-related issues, but towards the very end I opened up slightly about my FOO issues.  Too late to be able to work on any of them, so resistance was at play throughout the whole number of sessions.  The second more recent time, I responded to the CSA question in the affirmative, but felt as if the therapist didn't really want to hear it - even though she did respond in a way that said all the 'right things'. 

Anyway, I am hoping that within this journal, I'll be able to be open with my thoughts, feelings and share things - whilst staying safe to the wishes of my various parts.

I think I wrote the notes about 'reparenting' because I have found that reading books that cover that subject have been helpful to me in terms of trying to provide some good qualities to my younger parts.  I rely on books for that, as I don't have direct experience of caring for children.

I don't know where I got the sentence 'They were doing the best they could with their level of awareness' - but I know it was something that I thought might apply to my FOO - but at the same time, I am aware that particularly my M had quite a lot of experience from her profession that should have given her a good idea of what is appropriate, and I feel she didn't pay attention to that knowledge, and didn't put those things into practice in her own mothering.  But I think that she was traumatised herself, and there was generational trauma too - that's true for both of them.

I feel different today - as if it's ok for me to write these things.  I feel like I've got a different persona - I wonder if I'm blended with a particular part right now.  Anyway, I'm glad to have written so much.  I know these notes and writings will be helpful to me in the future, when I am looking back and processing more.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Wow, I just read that back, and a realisation came as I read the bit I put about my M.

Before I forget it, I'll write it here:
I was commented how I was thinking that my M should have known better - in terms of her professional knowledge, to parent better, but the fact is that whatever profession someone has, no matter how much knowledge or skills in that area, if they're not 'aware', and if they're dissociated etc, then they may never actually 'see' or 'process'.

I feel like there are vast chunks of my life where I've been dissociated and going along thinking I'm coping - and I have coped well with a lot of things, but at the same time, I've not been able to 'see' things clearly.

I've noticed how different parts can come and literally place filters infront of my own eyes - sometimes I've been reading something, and literally mis-read or see entirely different words on the page, depending on what state I'm in, or what part is blended with me.  I try to hold back and process things before going ahead and doing things - because I could easily make a mistake and respond to something that hasn't actually been said. 

I know I have a part of myself that also likes to 'rub things out' - and does that regularly.  Or puts things where I can't find them. 

Parts can sabotage things, if they're not on board with something - I realise that too.  Hence I need to be clear and reliable for them - as much as I can.  So they know what to expect, and they can be in agreement with things.

I have a pain in my right foot now.  This reminds me that last night I had such intense pain in the left part of my brain - that's an area that really hurts so much when I'm processing things at night.  The word 'fear' has come into my head just now.  I think that is an emotion that goes with that pain.

I feel more hopeful at the moment, and I feel like I have a better idea of where I'm going with things, and I'm so grateful to have this space in this forum to write about things, and know there are people who understand. 

Hope 

[marta1234]

  I don't know what to say exactly, but that I read everything and I hear you Hope. You bring hope to me that I'll be able to understand my parts eventually too and communicate with them.
Physical pain (and emotional) also always triggers me with fear. Especially physical. So you're not alone in this. Thank you for sharing

[Snowdrop]

I found myself nodding along as I read your last post, Hope. I can relate to a lot of it.

[Tee]

  I do know exactly what you mean!  I hope you have a more stress free day today with less pain and more rest.  Big hug

[Bach]

A hug for you, Hope    This is hard work you're doing.  I'm in similar places recently myself, and your courageous sharing fortifies me in this reality.  Much love 

[Hope67]

Hi Marta, Snowdrop, Tee and Bach,

Thank you each for what you said.  I appreciate it.

10th August 2020
I have remembered now where I wrote those notes from yesterday - they were from some online 'free samples' from online courses by Carolyn Spring - I think that Woodsgnome mentioned her somewhere, and I had had a look at her work, and having listened to the free samples, I ended up buying a couple of her courses - which I hope will be helpful - and have lifetime access to, so I am glad that I can pace myself.  I've written about them in the 'Courses' part of the forum, as well as linking to her website (incase anyone else would like to have a look) - and this month they were cheaper (as they're discounted) - I really liked how Carolyn talked - and felt some confidence about her experience from listening to her, and I felt like I might learn quite a lot by doing the courses.

So I'm hopeful for that. 

I also realise that when writing paper notes, that I should attribute where I am getting the information from, because my memory during different states of being is basically unreliable!  It was only whilst I was processing things last night - that I realised where the notes had come from. 

Last night's processing - before sleeping and during sleeping - felt as if I was getting closer to an exiled part of myself.  I don't want to explore that any more than just saying that for now, as I know I have some things I need to be in a reasonable state of awareness for this afternoon, so I'm going to stop writing now, and focus on preparing myself for those things.

Hope :-)

[Tee]

  good luck this afternoon Hope.   

[Hope67]

Thanks Tee   

[Hope67]

I am feeling quite over anxious just now - I've tried to calm myself, and it's not really worked.  I thought it might help to come here for a while.  Starting to write here - telling myself it's a safe sanctuary here.  (I feel a lump in my throat)  At the same time, I notice the little emoticons above this window - one of them is shrugging, and part of me inside laughed - so there's different parts activated.

As I sit here, I've suddenly had a realisation - because I thought of the fact that last night I ended up bingeing on ice-cream and then crisps, and I didn't feel very well by the time I went to bed. 

In the light of day today - I wondered why I'd done that, as I'd been so much better regarding food - but now I've realised!  I think it was because I watched some of the CSA course, and at the time, there had been some very strong flash-backs and thoughts, but then afterwards, it was like the parts of me that 'rub things out' got into gear, and pushed those thoughts and feelings to the back of my mind - I also remember that I had been very 'chirpy' in my attitude - as if I was coping fine - but actually - I don't think I was.

Today has been really busy - I've had to do a few things that are stressful and challenging to me, and I coped with them all - but at the same time I felt like I put on a mask of coping throughout, and now I realise it's taken its toll on me.  Now I feel anxiety rising in myself - feeling tight in my chest, and the lump in my throat.

I've remembered that doing dot-to-dots can be calming for me, but somehow I don't feel like doing those at the moment.  I feel like eating again - to numb myself and push feelings down.

I really want to watch more of the CSA course - but my partner is around today, and I don't want to cry - which could happen.  I know I need to pace this.

I am glad I came here to write just now, because I do feel like it's helped me.  I am going to have a cup of tea now.

Hope 

[marta1234]

Sending a hug  for all the work you've been doing. I'm happy for you Hope that you're being more aware of your parts and flashbacks
Have a nice day!

[Three Roses]

Your insights have been inspiring for me, Hope.  I'm glad you're taking things at a comfortable pace.

[Hope67]

Hi Marta, Thank you so much -   

Hi Three Roses,  Thanks - I do think of you when I think about pacing things, as I remember what you said about the potential dangers of going to fast with things.  It's helpful to keep that in mind.   

13th August 2020
I am feeling quite triggered at this moment, because I have been talking to my partner about a past situation where I acted in a way that I think was extremely out of character for myself - I suspect it was during a time when another quite stronger part of me had blended with me, and was steering me into things that I wouldn't normally do.  I hadn't realised that he didn't know some of the things I'd told him, and I thought I saw him look a bit surprised/slightly shocked - but that could be because of my hypervigilance to scanning his reactions.

Anyway, I am ok.  I just feel.... I think the word might be ashamed.  I guess there's shame about some things I've done in the past. 

I feel like I need to do some 'letters to' at some point soon.  I feel like I need to get some of those thoughts and feelings out - I hope to be able to do that.  Maybe in the next few days, but I will try not to set myself any deadlines, as that will stress me out if I don't manage to do what I hope to do.

I can feel anxiety quite high up in my body. 

Whilst these emotions are there, I'm actually glad I'm feeling them. 

I feel bad for saying that - but it's true.

I'll stop now.
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Hope, I'm only popping in occasionally on OOTS this month. I just caught up on your new journal.

I hope to:
* Develop and form internal attachment relationships to my young selves
* Be mindful of conflicts, ambivalence, or confusion = manifestations of struggles between parts
* Build empathy and attunement to parts
* Overcome self-alienation
* Mindfully scan my body and feeling states for the communications from my fragmented selves
* Adopt or come to love the hurt, lost and lonely parts
*Develop self-compassion and awareness
* Befriend my parts and earn their trust
* Try to develop the following qualities as antidotes to the painful experiences suffered by exiled child parts: Curiosity; Clarity; Creativity; Calm; Courage; Confidence; and Commitment.
* Aim to help my adult self to grow these 'C' qualities listed above, to help the child parts learn to turn to a 'self-led' wise adult self who can reassure their fears and loneliness.

I thought this was brilliant.

You mentioned that sometimes some of your Parts are resistant to posting here. I have a similar experience. I haven't posted on my own journal for awhile because . . . (can't write more!)

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
Those points you highlighted were from Janina Fisher's book - I also thought what she wrote was brilliant, and that's why I put it at the start of my new journal, to remind myself, as they seem perfect goals for me.  Thank you so much for the hug, and also for sharing that you have a similar experience, in terms of having Parts that are resistant to posting - I hope that we can both get to write what we want to, and communicate what we want to, and that Parts will cope or allow it.   

14th August 2020

I just read something that Kizzie had shared with a member here, and wanted to put the link to it in my journal, as I read it, and thought it was so apt for helping me to understand my own 'voices' that I experience:
https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving/2016/06/hearing-voices-in-dissociative-identity-disorder
It is so helpful to see what the person wrote about these things.  I don't want to lose that link, so I can read it again when I need to remind myself.

**Trigger Warning - mentioning CSA, but nothing graphic

I've also been watching more of Carolyn Spring's course on CSA, and I am finding it to be incredibly helpful to me.  She explains so many things, and I relate to what she's written - and I feel it's going to help my recovery a lot - it already is.  It's triggering, but the fact I can stop and start the course materials as and when I want to, means I can more safely pace things, and also when I dissociate - I can then try to re-focus and re-listen, and then take the information in successfully - rather than how it would be watching a course in real time - I've done that before, and found I just spent the entire time dissociated - unable to take any of it in.  So Carolyn's course - it's just what I needed, and maybe I'm at the stage/point in my life when I can finally handle processing more things relating to this.

I also like her tone of voice, and gentle considered and measured flow of her words.   

I also want to comment on the fact that I saw my therapist when out a couple of days ago - by therapist, I mean the person I saw for a few sessions a few years back now - and she greeted me, and we both commented on how well we were each looking!  It took me aback to have seen her, and made me wonder whether I would be able to go back to see her again at some point in the future.  But at the same time, I thought that there are so many things I've learned since when I saw her - through my own investigating and that I'm feeling as if I am doing ok at the moment, with the support of this forum, and the resources (books, training course online) etc. 

Hope