Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.

Started by Hope67, August 03, 2020, 03:19:32 PM

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sanmagic7

i get the feeling bad that you can't write in others' journals right now - i've been there so many times lately.  may i encourage you, as i've been encouraged by others, to do what you can when you can.  we'll be here, we're with you, take your time.  you're going thru a lot lately, so not wanting to overwhelm yourself by what's going on w/ others is a form of self-care, to my mind.

when i have crazy dreams, i think perhaps my subconscious is working to process something unknown to me consciously. but, yeah, that dreaming stuff can get really weird!

i think getting those pens for you and your parts is wonderful!  keep taking care of you, hope.  you deserve it.  love and hugs :hug:


Hope67

Hi SanMagic,
My pens have arrived, and they look like they will be really good to use.  I hope I can use them. 
Thanks for everything you wrote - I appreciate it so much  :hug:

Hi Tee,
I love that hug, thank you  :hug:

*********
20th November 2020
I've felt as if I've been wading through treacle this past few days - like I'm stuck in many ways, and unable to move forward, but I am aware that things are changing - I've been processing so many things at night in my sleep.  My dreams have been very realistic, and I've also felt as if I've been communicating more with inner parts of myself. 

I didn't feel able to write much about those experiences, but I want to acknowledge them, and tell myself that there is some movement, some progress, and it is ok. 

Hope  :)


Hope67

Hi Bach,
Thank you so much for the hug, I appreciate it very much  :hug:

**********
20th November 2020
I wanted to write a bit about the dream I had last night as it was so realistic.  It involved me being in a house and actively sorting through mountains of junk and litter and stuff.  Normally in my dreams I've been in situations where there's too little time to make a move, and I've struggled to pack and tidy up etc, and it's been an impossible feat.  This time, I was involved in the tidying up, but it seemed a bit more manageable.  I felt like I was taking a more active role in the situation too, and there was someone else there helping me, rather than me being on my own with it.  So that was a change too - for the better I thought.

I listened to a talk by Candace Plattor who is an Addictions Therapist and it was about Narcissim & Codependency, and I wrote some notes, that I want to keep here:
"Put other people's needs ahead of your own.  Narcissists needs attended to ahead of other people's.  Behavioural expectations.  Personality disorder develop from same place.  Codependent.  She is responsible for relationships.  Shame if something goes wrong.  Groomed unconsciously to be codependent.
Narcissism - child told you're so wonderful but price to pay - pressure.  Groomed to be narcissistic.  Not good enough.  Need her.
Narcissist
Codependent
People pleasing.

Raised iwth narcissistic M - charisma entitlement.  Need to be adored.  When criticised or ignored '* to pay'
Parents - self-absorbed.  Dealing with chaos.  Moved around a lot.  New kid at school.
Scars manifest in many ways.
Didn't know who I was.
Not given things emotionally to thrive.
Body imploded.
Addictive medications.
Not really 'love'
Codependents - empty inside.  Need somebody else to fill them up.  Need somebody else to adore.
To heal, what happened to us was not about us, it was them.
Journalling is helpful.

I thought that Candace Plattor's talk was helpful.

Hope  :)

Hope67

21st November 2020
I think I ended up in an EF yesterday, or at least I felt as if my protector parts were activated and they caused me to feel quite a few uncomfortable feelings.  But I think I learned quite a lot from that experience.  I had felt very small and insignificant during the process, and felt like someone should rub out what I'd written, or edit it, and that my words/thoughts etc were no worth listening to.  So that makes me think I was in an EF with a critical protector or fire-fighter who was scared that I had accessed a vulnerable part of myself.  I don't know if that's what was going on, these are just words/thoughts that come to mind.

It impacted on me in various ways, as I ended up doing some things last night that I wouldn't have done in the light of sensible thought.  But thankfully I didn't do anything that I regret, so it was ok.  But I am mindful that maybe I could have done, and that scares me a bit.

But essentially it is ok.  I've woken today - and I'm ok.  I've been talking to my partner about things, and he talked of the fact that I can't change the past, but I can focus on the present and the future, and I found that refreshing - and hope to do that.

But I also recognise how difficult and challenging that can be, as I had previously had ruminating thoughts which were almost constant about my FOO, and although that has diminished considerably, they are still in my mind regularly - and particularly as things like Christmas advance closer, and particularly with the pandemic and all the stuff people talk about online concerning worries and concerns for safety and health.

I can't help looking at the notes I took about Narcissism and Codependency, and think that they are very difficult notes to comprehend, as basically I don't understand the concepts properly and I feel torn between all the different things said about those things. 

I think I relate more to codependency, and less to narcissim, but at the same time I do fear that part of me might be narcissistic - as I crave validation sometimes.  It's like I'm thirsty for it sometimes, and other times, I feel like I don't need it.  But I think that depends on which part of me is more dominant and affecting me more.

I think that's all I will write for now, but I am relieved that I feel more calm this morning.

Hope  :)

Tee

 :hug:I like your notes, I'm glad your dream has changed.  You help so many people here I wouldn't call you a narcissist.  I think sometimes we get caught up on labels trying to put a name to what we are or what we went through.  I think some times it can be black and white and can fall into a group very nicely that makes since for us.  We see the similarities we the causes we sees side effects so to say. We check all the boxes and can say alright I have that. But I think we all have parts that have leaned from those around us and rear the head at times to keep us safe in stressful times or or revert is back to children to what kept us safe then.  I'm not sure that makes us narcists or codependent I think that gives us c-ptsd and our brain are just that complex exhibiting different characteristics at different times to help us survive.
Just my thoughts take them for what they are worth 2 cents ;D.  Sending love support always thanks for caring.
:hug:

Hope67

Hi Tee,
Thank you  :hug:  It means a lot that you said what you said about labels, and the parts have learned things from those around us, and for me, that included seeing some narcissism in my FOO, and I've no doubt some parts have emulated that and picked up on it.  I agree with what you say about us having C-ptsd and the complexity of our reactions and exhibiting different characteristics at different times to help us survive.  That makes so much sense.  I think your thoughts are worth a lot, and are very valuable to me.  Way more than 2 cents, they are priceless in their value, so thank you.   :)

I have just been reading the poem you wrote, which touched me emotionally, and I felt that you described things so well.   :hug:

***********
22nd November 2020
Strangely as I sit to write something just now, I can't bring to mind anything coherent to say, so I'll leave it for now, and maybe come back again tomorrow - I have a lot I need to do today and I really hope that I can manage to get some of it done. 
Hope  :)

Tee

 :hug: I'm glad that my jumbled brain was able to make a coherent thought.  And I'm glad that it helped.  I hope you are successful in your list of things to get done today. :yourock: you can do it one thing and step at a time. Sending love and motivation today. :hug: :cheer: I'll be beside you cheering you on.

Not Alone

Quote from: Hope67 on November 21, 2020, 09:55:22 AM
. . .  but at the same time I do fear that part of me might be narcissistic - as I crave validation sometimes.  It's like I'm thirsty for it sometimes, and other times, I feel like I don't need it. 

Hope, you give a lot on OOTS. I have often felt your support and compassion. I'm not expert, but I think that someone who is narcissistic, doesn't give to others, and when he/she does, it is so that it reflects back on him. I think all people need validation to some degree. Little children need attunement and validation--lots of it---so I think that if we didn't receive that as children, we need more of it as adults. I don't see that as narcissistic.

Hope67

Hi Tee,
Thank you so much, your support meant a lot, and I was able to get through some things that I wanted to do, and knowing you were cheering me on, that meant a lot.  Thank you   :hug:

Hi Notalone,
Thank you so much for what you said, as it has been very reassuring to me to read that.  I agree with you that little children need attunement and validation, and that they need lots of it, and it's good to know it's ok to need more of it as adults, when we've not had it as children.  It makes sense.  Thank you  :hug:

**********
I was feeling very low today - but I managed to write something in the 'letters not to send' section, in a sort of poem format, and I really think it's helped to shift some of that really horrible low feeling a bit.  I feel better for getting that out.  I had a feeling of constriction in my throat but it's opened up since writing it down, and expressing it, so that's good.  Weirdly my stomach hurts now.

But I'm ok.
Hope  :)

Tee

 :hug: hope you are strong I hope you feel better.

Hope67

 :hug:  thank you Tee, I am feeling better.   :)
Hope  :)

sanmagic7

hey, hope,

while i've read your entries, it seems to me that you are processing a lot of different things, using a lot of brain power/energy both consciously and subconsciously (i've heard and read that houses in our dreams are symbolic of our selves - such a shift as you had about tidying and now getting help could be very telling about you and how much movement forward you're making).  no wonder you've had body sensations, and feeling low - you're working so hard.

i'm glad writing helped clear your throat.  and, i loved your notes - especially anything about how we've been groomed to make the decisions we've made, to be codependent, all of that.  someone just wrote asking if their abuse was their fault, and i do believe what you wrote about us being groomed to take on the blame for others' actions is part of that.  this stuff is insidious!

i hope you can take a little time for yourself, to just rest, relax, be a little silly - let one of your littles play or color without rhyme or reason.  just to take a break from all this, get your own energy and strength back.  it's my hope for you, but no pressure.  love and hugs, hope :hug:

Hope67

Hi SanMagic,
I appreciated what you wrote, and it helped me a lot - so thank you.  Your suggestion to take a break from the processing work, and get my own energy and strength back, and expecially to take time for myself to relax, be a little silly and let one of my littles play or colour without rhyme nor reason, that is very tempting to try to do.    :hug:

**********
27th November 2020
I had taken my CSA work-book back to the library a couple of days ago - even though I was only half-way through the second reading of it - but part of me had actioned the returning of the book, and I think that was what I needed to do - and when I saw what SanMagic said about possibly taking a break from the work of processing etc, I thought it was timely and validated that part's decision to return the book and take a break for a while.  So I feel I can take a break for a while and maybe explore something for the sake of it, rather than because I feel a should be doing it.

I'll see how it goes. 
Hope  :)