Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.

[Tee]

  any time hope 

[Hope67]

Thank you Tee 

*******
10th December 2020

I want to write myself a few notes here to remind myself of things I'd like to write about at some point, but haven't done so yet:

I'd like to update on the content of my dreams, as they've been much more realistic and the content is subtly changing, and I feel like want to capture those changes, and will hope to add that to the Dream diary part of this forum, where I've written about other dreams - hopefully I'll be able to find that...

I'd also like to reply to a query that OceanStar had asked - somewhere else in the forum, where OceanStar asked me how I was getting on with journalling about my parts - I didn't feel able to reply to that straight away, as I wondered 'How am I doing with it?' - it's such a good question, and I really want to think about it, and give a thought-through reply.  I think the problem with being able to reply - is that different parts of me think different things about the process.  I do feel as if I am an 'individual person' but that the different parts do seem to have their own thoughts and feelings about different things, hence it's quite difficult for me to get my head around stuff sometimes.

Something that Dreamriver wrote about the invisibility of abusive situations, that really resonated with me - because I also think that people who would have 'seen' my FOO from the outside would have imagined that my childhood was most likely very good, but even as I write that, I now realise that there were people around and about in my childhood who were probably very concerned about our family life, and that is probably why my FOO left the geographical area and didn't tell anyone where they moved to.  Even that was something strange, as my parents lived separately for quite some time, and I am now wondering whether they had split up, but not told me that - only to get back together again.  This reminds me that I need to try to get some documented evidence of addresses and dates, so I can piece together things for my time-line.  I feel like a detective in that respect, but I feel like it's something I want to do.

I wanted to write those things as reminders of what I'm hoping to write about, but also giving myself permission to just do whatever I can, at the time, as I realise writing things sometimes makes me feel like I have to honour it.  Maybe I won't feel like it, and that's ok too.

Hope 

[marta1234]

Hope, sending you a big warm hug
I also found what you wrote about your parts having different views of your progress. I feel that the same way.
I wanted to add that Dreamriver's post about invisibility of abuse, I really resonated with that. I'll reply on the post itself I think.

Wish you a good day  and sending you lots of healing energy

[Hope67]

Hi Marta,
Thank you so much    I appreciated knowing that you felt the same way about parts having different views of progress.  I appreciated you sending me lots of healing energy too.   

***********
11th December 2020
The past couple of days, I've ended up sleeping more in the daytime, I was so tired and felt that was what I needed to do. 
So that's what I did.
Hope 

[owl25]

I'm glad you got some rest, nicely done 

[Hope67]

Thank you Owl, I am feeling more rested.   
Hope 

[marta1234]

[Hope67]

Thank you so much Marta - I appreciate that big hug very much.   

************
15th December 2020
I'm finding the things that are happening this week in my life are difficult, and I'm getting triggered far more by different things, and I think that's because I'm more in touch with my feelings and also communicating more with my different parts, and so I am more aware of the effects of things.  That's been quite challenging for me, but I'm getting by, and I'm essentially doing ok. 

I feel like I am over-whelmed by so many things that I need to do, and by my capability to do things, it's compromised and limited.  But I am still proceeding in a vaguely forward direction.

My clumpy language just now is annoying part of me, it's like she says 'Why can't you just write in a simple way'  'Be direct, say what you mean' - but I really feel like I can't do that. 

I feel like there's lots of emotions underneath.

I really feel like I need to write about things, and get them out - but I find I haven't got the opportunity to do that at the moment.  This time of year is a challenging time. 

Glad I wrote something today - just writing something here, it usually helps me, and I feel some sense of relief within. 

Hope 

[marta1234]

Glad my hug helped! Though I'm sorry you've been overwhelmed lately.
I wanted to add that when I read what you wrote about not being "direct" and your parts criticizing that, several of my parts were nodding their heads to me, saying that I do that too. All I want to say is that I relate to this constant pull of wanting to just write but then wasting time by not being direct (I think it's from my school days, a form of perfectionism).
Sending you love and support Hope

[Hope67]

Hi Marta,
Yes, your hug definitely helped.  Thank you again    I appreciated too that your parts nodded along in agreement that they also do something similar to what my parts did.  I agree with you about the form of perfectionism, I have that as well.   I appreciate your love and support, and I reciprocate that to you.   

************
16th December 2020
I have some things today that are triggering, in that they are social situations I need to cope with.  I'm a bit anxious, but I am going to go out and try to experience each of the things, and hope it goes ok.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I found the events of today to be really challenging.  I feel like I got into significant over-load, and a younger part of me started to wail and cry, and this was in public - infront of a relative of my partner, and whilst she reacted to me in a caring way, I found the whole thing very difficult to cope with, and since then I've felt quite ashamed.

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety inside too - and feeling as if I'm unsafe.  But I know I am safe.

I've been looking online at Structural Dissociation, as I really relate to this, and didn't realise how recently the theory of dissociation was created - I think I saw something mentioning 2006.  I guess that's quite a long time ago though - as it's 2020 now...

I want to put a link here to an article I just found online, by Janina Fisher (whose book about Fragmented Selves I have found to be really good), and her article is called:

"The Treatment of Structural Dissociation in Chronically Traumatized Patients' by Janina Fisher PhD.

The link is here:
https://janinafisher.com/pdfs/structural-dissociation.pdf

I want to keep it there, so I can find it to read when I'm in a better frame of mind.  I literally feel too panicky inside to focus my attention properly.

Somehow, the events of today - and this has also happened a couple of days ago too - but I've not felt able to write anything about that, as I feel as if my describing the two events will somehow mean people will know who I am - on reading the details here, and that feels too scary.  I don't think it's likely though, but I just feel scared about it.

Now I'm writing things here, I think I'll just allow myself to freely write, and see what I write:

I've had pains in my feet and my lower legs - these have been for the past few weeks, and I think they are emotional pains, rather than having any physical reason - but of course, I couldn't be sure of that. 

***Trigger Warnings - as I am likely to mention things that might be potentially violent/upsettting.

I've been having some flashback kind of memories of things that make me wonder whether I was held down by my feet, or held down by weight on my legs, and unable to move underneath that.  I also have a memory of a hand around my throat and my neck being hurt in some way.  I feel as if it was my F, but I can't be sure of that.  But I think it was.  But even as I say that, I think 'Maybe he was stopping me from hurting myself whilst waking from a night terror' - but I don't think that's the case, I suspect he had something to do with hurting me.  I feel bad for thinking that.  But I have been having memories of other times in my life when things he had said or done hadn't made sense, and now I realise that my parents never told me any truths, and kept things secret and lied a lot.

This hurts inside as I write that - it makes my inside of my chest hurt.  I feel tears pushing their way, but I am thankfully not crying.

I have had such an emotional day - and I had a really emotional time after the last thing I faced - that I've not talked about. 

My partner has been very supportive, and he was there today, but not at the other occasion.  He told me that he thought I was handling things really well today - until the point when I broke down and cried - and I think that had come unexpectedly for him, he'd not seen it coming.

Now my entire right arm hurts - I think I am feeling pain in lots of parts of my body. 

I'm quite scared of being out of control in the coming days, and I feel ashamed now and upset at how I ended up showing my emotions in that way, and I feel vulnerable, and I think that showing my vulnerability - it's something I try not to do.

End of TW...

Now I feel different - I feel as if the emotional parts of myself have just gone and left.  So immediate, so final.  They've just gone.  It's like they went away.  So I feel nothing just now.  But I feel better.  I didn't like that feeling of vulnerability and the upset - and now it's literally gone.  It feels like being in the stormy waters, and fearing the worst, but then being able to swim free and be safer. 

I'm actually really surprised by that.  My arm still hurts though.  So I still have pain there.  Both my arms hurt.

The way my arms hurt is as if someone is holding them. 

I've just had a flashback to when I was at University and I used to get strange bruises on my arms and my wrists - but didn't know how they got there.  I used to think that I 'bruised like a peach' - as if there didn't need to be much pressure on me, and I would bruise. 

I'm going to stop writing now.  I'm glad I came here to write, and I'll wait till tomorrow to re-read what I wrote, as I don't want to evoke the scared vulnerable parts again, as I was scared of that feeling and that reaction.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

 

[marta1234]

I'm sorry you had to go through that, Hope. Breaks my heart when I read it. I hope you're feeling ok today, and as always, sending you a big safe hug for you and your parts


I wanted to add that I will also check out the structural dissociation pdf. I realize that it will help me a lot, thank you for reminding me. 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Thank you so much for those hugs 

Hi Marta,
Thank you for that safe hug and that lovely big hug, I appreciated them all 

*************
19th December 2020
I am managing to get through the different things that have been coming my way, and I am managing to cope with them so far.  I am feeling stronger in myself today, which is a good feeling, and I am recognising how different parts of myself have enabled me to cope and get through things.

I very much hope to be able to reflect on things, once I get through more of the things I need to do this coming week, and hopefully write about some of them here - to remind myself of how it was, and then I can compare with previous years - which is helpful to do in this journal.

I feel calmer today.  I am not experiencing any body pains.  I feel ok.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i know it's been a while since i've dropped in to say hi, lend you support, just be with you as you continue to fight the beast.  you're never far from my heart, tho - i want you to know that, hope.  i just haven't had enough energy to do what i want all the time.

you have been showing so much courage in the past couple of months, speaking your truths, getting some of the crapola out.  to me, the idea of seeing our parents realistically, finding the strength to look at what they did to us and how that set us up for further abuse in our lives, are some of the most difficult realities to face. as children, being completely reliant and dependent on them, their every word, every move, every gesture (or lack of all three) is what develops our core beliefs, and we spend so much of our lives carrying those around, acting and reacting according to them.

when you wrote about your F, the pain in your neck/throat/legs - the possible connections that you've begun looking at bravely, well, all i can say is well done so impressive.  i once heard that when we walk thru a door of fear, what we find on the other side is our self.  it sounds like you continue to find more and more of your 'self'.  i hope you can see what i see - a true warrior who uses her vulnerability as her shield.  our vulnerability, to my mind, is one of our biggest strengths when we allow ourselves to be one with it.

personally, i was glad that you were able to cry, at least at one point.  i believe those tears hold the poison that's been fed to us, and by letting them out - even tho it feels vulnerable, weak, out of control, too sensitive, too emotional,   - we are releasing negativity, cleansing our systems.  the more hurt we've been, the more tears we'll have.  i know i've already filled buckets from my life so far.

i think you're doing great, but i also worry that you sometimes do too much.  this is a process, and i just don't want to see you not give yourself enough down time to rest and allow healing to take place.  we don't heal when we stay in the battle all the time.  healing is part of our work, too.

sending much love and hugs filled with continued courage and time to heal.