Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.

[Hope67]

Dear SanMagic,  I always appreciate things you say, and I feel your support and care and love, thank you so much and sending you hugs too    I took on board what you said about allowing myself some down time to rest and allow healing to take place - I'm hoping to continue to consider doing that in the future, as I think you're right that I sometimes do too much.  Healing IS part of our work, too, and it's something I really would like to happen.

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21st December 2020

Realisation:  Something I realised is that I find it incredibly hard to 'play' or do things that are 'just for fun' as I think I never could just do that - I always felt as if I needed to prove myself in some way, in things I was doing, and as if things I was doing were never enough, or never 'right' in the eyes of my FOO.  Lots of judgements were felt.  I think this has stayed with me, and that I've not been able to relax very easily. 

I think this is why I can't allow myself to use the new acrylic pens I've bought - they are still in their container.  I somehow feel that if I use them, then somehow I should create something Artistic and 'good enough' - but the likelihood is that it would be an attempt at something, and that I don't need to produce anything from it.  Just play and enjoy using the pens.  But I can't allow myself to do that.  Why?  I fear something will happen, but I'm not sure what it will be.

Anyway, that's a realisation I wanted to mention, and write about a bit.

I'm trying to just do some 'free flowing' writing now - to see what I write about here - because if I over-think it, then I find I can't write anything at all.

There have been so many things over the weekend that I had to cope with - some social things - I managed to cope.  It was ok!  But I had been so anxious beforehand, and it took a lot of energy to cope and get through everything.  But I have coped, and I have got through it, and so I'm getting there.

Christmas has some unexpected things to contend with, but I know that's not unusual in this current situation with the pandemic.  I'm not sure what will happen, or how things will be, but I hope it will be ok, and that I'll manage to cope without my parts getting too upset. 

Strangely as I've been writing this, I can feel real tension in my stomach - I'm taking some moments to try to relax those muscles and release that tension in my body.

I have bought 2 books that Carolyn Spring wrote, and I hope to read them in the New Year.  I've got some magazines to read over Christmas, as I thought they would be easier to read and something relaxing.  I haven't read a magazine for a long time - something light and hopefully enjoyable. 

Hope 

[marta1234]

I found your realization very interesting, Hope and relatable. I've been having these same issues with my art.
Sending you lots of love and warm hugs  Hope you're able to relax (as much as you can) and enjoy your magazines Sending lots of support to your parts as well

[Tee]

  hope I know what you mean by having to prove yourself.  I hope you can relax and find some peace this season.  Big hug

[Hope67]

Thanks Marta & Tee, and sending hugs to you both 

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23rd December 2020

I ended up asleep this afternoon.  I felt exhausted and also felt grief inside, so sleeping was what I felt I needed to do.  Not sure how I'm feeling at the moment, but I'm glad I was able to sleep for a while.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

feeling that fear of doing something for yourself, without judging or being judged - yep, i can relate to that.  give it time, i think you'll figure it out.

i'm glad you were able to sleep when you felt tired.  well done, hope!     love and hugs

[Tee]

  sleep is good.  Hugs hope!

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic & Tee,

Thank you both 

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27th December 2020

I'm not able to say much at the moment, but I'm hoping to write more at some point, when I am able to.

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Realisation:  Something I realised is that I find it incredibly hard to 'play' or do things that are 'just for fun' as I think I never could just do that - I always felt as if I needed to prove myself in some way, in things I was doing, and as if things I was doing were never enough, or never 'right' in the eyes of my FOO.  Lots of judgements were felt.  I think this has stayed with me, and that I've not been able to relax very easily. 

I think this is why I can't allow myself to use the new acrylic pens I've bought - they are still in their container.  I somehow feel that if I use them, then somehow I should create something Artistic and 'good enough' - but the likelihood is that it would be an attempt at something, and that I don't need to produce anything from it.  Just play and enjoy using the pens.  But I can't allow myself to do that.  Why?  I fear something will happen, but I'm not sure what it will be.

Anyway, that's a realisation I wanted to mention, and write about a bit.

Hope, I think that is a significant realization. When I read your post, I could picture you scribbling with your new pens, with no attempt to draw anything discernable. If that would be freeing for you, go for it. If it would bring more angst, don't do it.

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,

Thank you so much for saying this - it has helped me a lot.  I also read what you wrote in your Journal, and I related to everything you said there about yourself and your Parts - their reluctance was something I related to.  Anyway, thank you - I think I'll try using the pens at some point, and hopefully I will be able to 'do it' in a freeing way, but I'll listen and if I feel more angst, then I can stop. Maybe later I'll try it. 

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28th December 2020

Not sure what I'll write just now, but thankful that I feel as if maybe I can write something today - my Parts had been reluctant and held me back from coming here much - although I did 'come here' - to read things sometimes, and didn't manage to write anything.  It was good to have this place to return to though, and it's a life-safer for me.  A sense of community that feels accepting.

I need to tell my parts this, as some of them hold me back from being free to express myself and speak about things that matter to me.

Anyway - I've been finding the past few days quite challenging in many ways.  I've had heavy emotions, and I've been in and out of various EF situations.  I've been finding the expectations and pressure of 'in-law family' to be quite heavy, and whilst on the surface it looks jolly, I have felt surface tensions and things bubbling underneath.  But thankfully the festive days have come to an end, and there's only the new year stuff to get through next.  Then I think that I might feel a bit more in control of my life again.  Or maybe not, but at least there won't be too many expectations.  I don't know.

Part of me feels annoyed that I've written that last paragraph, but I'm keeping it there, as I've not said anything bad.

My partner told me that I've been more distressed at night, and that it's taken him longer to calm me down - and I've not had any memory of that situation at all.  But he said that he will call me by my name next time, as he remembered that I would be calmer if he used my name.  So that was thoughtful that he considered that.

What I can remember of night-time currently is that I've been noticing that I shift between different parts when I dissociate and think about different things, and I feel immense pins and needles or tingling in my hands, feet and tongue when that happens.  It's quite consistent really - and I used to think of it as being a 'fight or flight' kind of response where blood was moving and affecting my extremities, but now I'm calmer and just shift my body, and usually it goes away. 

Reaslisation: I have found it interesting that my preoccupation that used to ruminate about my FOO and wondering how they would be doing over Christmas has shifted into more of a preoccupation with how my in-laws are.  Although, even as I write that, my concerns about my FOO re-surface and I feel guilt about the fact I'm estranged from them, and feel that it must be 'my fault'.

Plan: I hope to write more realisations for the remainder of this year, as I want to get them written down here so I can look back on my Journals in the future, and see how I'm progressing with everything.  I hope to start a new Journal here for 2021, but want to make the most of 2020 and gather realisations and consider them.

Weirdly, it feels safer to write things here - even though I know that people can read them - than it does to write anything that is in my house.  It's like I think I'll die, and then people will read what I've written in my home, and know it was me who wrote them, whereas in this online place - in 'out of the storm' - I feel safe and know that the people in this community do understand and accept complex PTSD and everything that comes with that.  I feel like they accept me.    (I feel tearful now - that has touched an emotional part of me).

Realisation:  I used to have such a big defence against thoughts of death, as if it would never happen to me, but now I feel like life is so precious and that death could happen.  But maybe that's just my older years - comparing myself in my 20's and 30's to now when I'm in my 50's.  Also all the pandemic worries and concerns - the reality of the potential of death in such circumstances.

But I do want to live.  I hold onto 'hope' that I will live the remainder of my life with greater understanding and acceptance of myself and the people in my life. 

I need to stop writing now, but I'm glad I wrote something today.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hope, your wish to live and what you write about it sounds really strong! Idk if "Well done" is the thing I should say but that's on the tip of my tongue. 

It helps me that you say you used to feel guilt around this time of year about your estrangement from FOO because that's what I've been feeling the past few days. Also trying to tell myself there is no reason to feel that, as there isn't for you either.

[Tee]

  hugs hope I am certain that you will be able to find your way.  I hope for you a blessed 2021! I hope your parts will allow you to continue to move forward.  Big hugs.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,

It helps me to know you've been feeling similar guilt feelings about estrangement from FOO, and I'm glad you're telling yourself there's no reason to feel that - and I will hope to take that on board for myself as well.  No reason to feel that.   Thanks also for the hug and for the "Well done" - I will take that.     

Earlier today I said to my partner that I thought maybe my FOO (parents) hadn't been very good at parenting, and he replied simply by saying 'They weren't very nice people' - which made me gasp a little, but also take stock that actually I don't think they were!  I agreed with him.

Hi Tee,

Thanks for your hugs    Yes, I hope my parts allow me to move forward.  You saying that, it's very helpful as it makes me think that I need to take my Self and encourage all my parts to move forward with me - like we can move along together.  That would be my hope and hopefully in 2021, that will happen.

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29th December 2020

I've started to re-read Janina Fisher's book "Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" and it must be about the third time I've read this book, but THIS time, it is actually making more sense to me!!!  I am excited by it, and I really think that it will help me to move forward with all my parts.  I just need to do some of the exercises and make them part of my life - so that my parts will feel I am reliable and they are cared for and that each and every one of them is valuable to me.  I don't mean 'valuable' - in any intrinsic value kind of way, I mean it in a way that means that they are meaningful.  Now I feel a bit silly...

But I've decided not to erase or change any words I say here.

I have a terrible pain in my stomach right now - I don't know if it's indigestion or something else.  But it is so painful. 

I'll have to go and see if I can relieve the pain in some way.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I am ok again, the pain has gone.  I am glad.

Hope 

[woodsgnome]

Hope: "I am ok again, the pain has gone."  That's so great, to be able to find light on the path once more.

[marta1234]

Sending you support and care, Hope. You've been doing so much, and I'm glad you are finally excited about the book Sending lots of warm hugs your way