Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.

[Hope67]

Hi Marta,
Thank you so much for what you said.  I found it very helpful that you mentioned films and series as a way to communicate with our parts - I feel that very strongly - that happens when I watch things, and I find that my parts tune into the physical environment - like the wall-paper, furniture, colours, and then very intent observation of the people - it is like they take it all in, at different levels.  Yet it only happens sometimes, and with some films/series - there are others where I find it almost impossible to follow the course of what is happening, as I get a fragmented and disjointed experience - but I think it's due to dissociating at certain times. 

1st September 2020
I've been focused back on Carolyn Spring's courses - and doing one about attachment, which I have found very helpful.  I don't want to say more about it yet, as I don't feel I can talk about it much - but I do feel like I'm processing and understanding things better, as a result of being able to play and re-play her information - and she explains things really well. 

I relate to so many things that she says, and it makes sense.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i've often watched tv/movies and have been moved to tears for various reasons, including what you mentioned - seeing the lack of nurturing, etc. in relationships.  even simple kindness.  i've found it cathartic to get those tears out - they seem to be part of a grieving process i hadn't tapped into yet, along with realizations and the reality of my own experience in similar situations.  i use those sources often to help me identify what could've been compared to what was, and how much i've missed during my lifetime.  it's become a good resource for me.

keep going, hope.  you'll get there.  you continue to show your strength, determination, and perseverance in working thru your traumas, and i think you're doing a great job.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I relate to a lot of what you said, and thank you for saying it    I appreciate your continued care and validation and support - sending you love and hugs too 

5th September 2020
I have been trying to motivate myself today to do some things, and am gradually managing to do a few things, so that's a good start.
I found some notes I've written, and I want to tear them up, but keep a record of them - so just copying them here:

Notes I made (which I think was whilst I was watching some of Carolyn Spring's courses), but could also be from various u-tube things I watch sometimes - so not sure what the sources of my notes are actually from - I should be better with my note-taking, but it is as it is.

Notes I've written down on paper:
Re-parenting - the act of giving yourself what you didn't receive as a child.
Physically present?
Emotionally present?
Highly distracted
Chaos and co-dependence.

Anxiety manifested as... obsessive-compulsive 'achievement' behaviour.
Channeled my anxiety
Underneath achievement behaviours is a lot of pain and unhealthy conditioning.

They were doing the best thing they could with their level of awareness.

Resistance - therapy - accepting help.

Childhood trauma - inflammatory markers.  Sensitized inflammatory pathways. Interleukin?  reactive protein C

Disorganised attachment - multiple models of attachment figure and myself
Mother - multiple people.  Links.  Multiple models of self and others.
Consistent, attuned, available = ideals
Mentalising
'Reflective function'

During sleep that we process trauma
Psychoeducation - beneficial.

Lack of consistent, attuned caregiver - Inconsistent emotional validation - shadow of powerlessness - learned helplessness submission - betrayal.

Finkelhor and Anna Salter's work.  Hastings, 1997.

Triggers are therapeutic guides.

Feelings - neutral - neither good nor bad.
Sensations - thoughts - impulse - probably feeling ...?

****

Ok, so the above doesn't seem to make much sense, written in that way, but they are key points I made at the time whilst watching some of the information, and I am finding it satisfying to tear up the written notes, and keep them here in this journal.  It feels safer for it to be here - because for some reason I have been considering what would happen to my notes if I died - who would find them, what sense they'd make of them etc. I'm not planning to die, it's just a case of the uncertainty of life, and wondering that some point it will happen.

This contrasts so much with my previous defence against the thought of death, it was like it never entered my head that it would happen.  But I guess that the pandemic has made the certainty of life (if there was any) far less certain.

I also want to note that last night I was aware of a more paranoid part of myself - which I am grateful that my partner didn't engage with, as that part did talk to him briefly in the night - but thankfully I don't think my partner engaged or took much notice, as he was tired and trying to sleep at the time.  But I know that I'd made a link in my mind with some more paranoid kind of thoughts - which in the light of day, I know are not true, there is no evidence for them. 

I also noticed this morning, whilst I was getting dressed, that my body looked incredibly large - and I felt very small, so I think I was still in an EF

I also experienced a longer EF whilst out in a social situation yesterday, and I found that people's faces looked really intense and there was incredible detail in them, and I also felt like I'd seen the people before - some of which I had seen before, but it was as if I was viewing them in a different dimension - weird to experience it - took me back to times when I was a child and viewed people's faces for the first time, and saw incredible detail in them.  Hypervigilance I guess.

I know that I was finding it difficult to contain my thoughts and feelings whilst talking to someone yesterday - it was a stressful situation, and I felt uncomfortable. 

The other thing that is making me feel quite uncomfortable at the moment is the tendency for one of my partner's relatives to talk 'about me' to him and probably others in a way that suggests she thinks I have a terrible upbringing - even though I've not told her details of how I was 'brought up'.  She's been saying things like 'how terrible'.  I feel like my voice is being taken from me in that way, and I'm not sure how to handle it, as she doesn't say it infront of me - only behind my back.  I feel like my control on my past is being taken away from me by someone who doesn't understand - and it's hard to cope with.

I'm also facing some dilemmas at the moment on how to progress with something I started last year, and which has now faced a few obstacles that mean I am thinking of dropping out - and whether that's a good decision or not, and whether I should try to assert myself with the organisers of the thing I'm thinking of dropping out of.  I feel like I've not been very assertive at all, so they won't know how I feel about the situation, and I'm trying to plan how best to sort things out.

But at least I'm considering options, and that feels positive in many ways. 

Glad to have written more today - I felt like I wanted to write - and I'm glad I have.
Hope 

[Hope67]

I have been looking at the course by Carolyn Spring about Trauma and the Body - Somatisation and Dissociation - it is very powerful in terms of evoking lots of memories and flashbacks for me, so I've been finding that my body is reacting to that.  So I'm taking a break, and having a warm bath and going to go to sleep this afternoon - that's my self-care to myself, because I feel like I need to do that. 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

I want to shout a big "yea!" to you for the positive things you are doing. 
***

So I'm taking a break, and having a warm bath and going to go to sleep this afternoon - that's my self-care to myself, because I feel like I need to do that. 

***

. . . I am finding it satisfying to tear up the written notes, and keep them here in this journal.  It feels safer for it to be here - . . .

***

But at least I'm considering options, and that feels positive in many ways. 

Glad to have written more today - I felt like I wanted to write - and I'm glad I have.

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I also have concern about people reading my journals when I die. Friends have instructions to burn them, but they are scattered throughout my room and in boxes in the basement. I have had it in my mind for some time to collect all journals, notes, etc, and put those in a box with a note on top, to be destroyed upon my death. The thought of collecting the journals and finding a place for the box is overwhelming.

Re-parenting - the act of giving yourself what you didn't receive as a child.

My therapist has told me that we want to give Little what she didn't receive growing up. I remind myself of that often. Sometimes it means allowing myself to lay on my bed and not work on my "to do" list. Sometimes when it feels like the abuse just happened, it can mean bringing physical comfort; for example, an ice pack.

Sending lots of care for you, Hope. 

[Hope67]

Dear Notalone,
Thank you so much.  I read what you wrote yesterday, and it was very comforting to see your validations of things I'd said.  Thank you also for sharing your thoughts on what you'd like to do with your journals in the event of your death, as that is helpful also to me, I could think of something similar - but I also acknowledge how such thinking would be quite overwhelming too.    to you Notalone. 

Notalone, I also appreciate the last paragraph you shared, about what you and your therapist talked about relating to giving 'little' what she didn't receive growing up, and I am also going to remind myself of that too - as it's helpful.  Thank you.   

***********
6th September 2020
I feel quite refreshed today, and as if my mind is clearer.  I feel more hopeful today.  This is a good feeling, and I want to hold onto it.
Hope 

[Hope67]

Just want to write myself a note here about my relationship with food - because something Blueberry said in her journal has caused my parts to consider this more.  Blueberry mentioned sugar and cheese, and thinking about what effects eating different things have, and I realise already I can't construct this sentence meaningfully - it's like it's going to 'jelly' - but at least I have the note, so I can return to it, and maybe write more at some point.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Realisation:  I was writing in another part of the forum - in the section about 'The Secret Garden' - I found myself writing about how much I appreciate the Secret Garden and then how embarrassed I was that I was trying to list everyone here in the forum who I find helpful and how I think of this place sometimes as being like a secret garden that is safe and secure.  I was embarrassed as I felt blended with a younger part, but what happened after, when I re-read what I wrote, was that part of me felt grief stricken, and distraught, and my throat constricted.  Tears came to my eyes, and I feel upset.

What I realise is that this relates a lot to my past, when I was constantly being moved around from school to school, and how I'd have made friends, and they had been meaningful, but then another change would happen, and I'd feel like those friendships were ripped away from me.  I wasn't allowed to keep contact with them, and I had to make new friendships.  It happened many times, and I feel grief for losing those friendships.  I realise this is something that really upsets a younger part of me. 

I wanted to write it here today, while I realise it.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I am feeling more hopeful right at this moment, and I am pleased that I've been getting more in touch with my feelings - because I didn't tend to do that before so much.  I was numb or dissociated from them in many ways, but lately - over the past few months really, I've been feeling things more, and making realisations, and it's something that I think is helpful in my recovery process. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i think it would be awful to continually be moved around as a kid.  i had a friend who moved a lot for her job, said her kids were 'resilient' when i asked how difficult it was for her kids to be uprooted, new schools, having to make new friends, etc.  she seemed very nonchalant about it, while, at the time, i was really concerned for her kids.  what you wrote validates my concern.

i think, as i continue on this forum, that losses and grieving are two of the major issues we've had to stuff and stuff and stuff throughout our lives.  we've lost moments of joy thru abuse, times of comfort from neglect, and, as you're pointing out, hope, physical and personal losses as well - friends, homes, relationships.  the gardens i worked on every year at my old house came to mind just now.  truly a great loss for me that i had never grieved.  just tucked it away w/ everything else.

wow - your insights brought up a lot for me, so thanks for sharing.  under that grief must be all sorts of pain and hurt that i haven't gotten to yet.  eventually i will . . .  eventually you will, too.

keep taking care of you, dear hope.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you    It's nice to hear your concern for the kids of your friend, because maybe she's defending against realising the impact on them, by her nonchalance.  But it could be difficult for her kids. 

I've only recently been realising the emotional impact of my moves on myself, I was dissociated from it previously - which I realise was protective at the time, but those emotions are surfacing now, and I am beginning to process things. 

Thanks for the love and hugs, and sending them also to you 
Hope 

[marta1234]

I feel like what San spoke of really hit me in the heart; so much loss that we've all had to push down and down to just get on to the next day. I'm just realizing now. Sending you much love Hope, and a gentle hug to all your parts for the work you've been doing. 
I've also moved a lot (although between different countries) and I know that I used to fantasize having a childhood friend, someone who knew me from the beginning (that I'd see in movies and hear other kids talk about). I'm sorry you had to move that much Hope, and the weight that it had on you. Sending you love 

[Blueberry]

Hope, I have been reading your Journal the last little while but when I think I'll post a response, the wherewithal seems to disappear. Well, I'm managing now a little even if I'm not making much sense. It looks as if you're making progress atm and I admire you for being able to sit with and feel your feelings atm. I'm running away from them.

Btw I think it's awful that you weren't allowed to keep in contact with friends you moved away from. Having to move to new schools, especially in years when nobody else is doing so is bad enough. But then not being allowed to continue friendships    It strikes me as cruel. I changed schools fairly frequently and moved about a bit. But I was allowed and even encouraged to write letters to my friends from some previous schools.

Sending you 

san, my parents found reasons (e.g. our increased resiliency) to validate our moving around and changing schools at odd times, i.e.. I didn't change schools when everybody else did: Year 7 and Year 10, and I didn't even start Year 1 when everybody else did, but 4 months' late. Academically that was fine actually because I had been in a school in a different country but it certainly was not the best socially. I'd always accepted moving around and so on as just the way it was, but there have been Ts of mine who have questioned my parents' decisions. Of me being uprooted at 13 yo and 15 yo. Of more attention being paid to not uprooting B1 at bad times. I think he'd disagree though, I don't think he liked being uprooted at all.

[Snowdrop]

I can imagine that moving around so much must have been very destabilising. I know that when my childhood best friend moved away when I was about 6, I felt bereft. It would have felt so much worse if I'd been the one to move away, particularly if I wasn't allowed to maintain the friendships I'd made. I can understand your younger part feeling upset.

[Hope67]

Hi Marta, Blueberry and Snowdrop,
I read what you each said yesterday, and it was emotional for me to hear your kindness and validation, and I really felt like younger parts of me felt understood and validated too.

I want to re-read what you wrote, but I can't do so right now, as I'm trying to ensure I cope with a few things I need to do this evening, and I feel sure if I start re-reading things right now, that I might get emotional.

But when I have opportunity, I will re-read, and in the meantime, thank you.   
Hope